Wedding Vendor Guide (chapter A)

Wedding Vendorguide Chapter A (series 1)
Average Marriage
Parental Advice
Son Needs Therapist
Pregnant Wife Resents Self Centered Husband
The Ladder Test
Medical Needs are Self Generated
Laws Against False Advertising
Do your Homework
Accept Yourself First, and Others Will Follow
Addressing (What to Call Whom)
Just Call Me Grandma
Please Don't Call Me Gramps
Blended Family Titles
Nameless and Placeless
Addressing Future In Laws
Miffed Mom Wants Daughter's Attention
Aromatherapy
Anti Insomnia Kit
Rest Assured
Displays of Affection
With Him but Alone
Announcements
Watch Out
Ask Mindy
What Wasn't I Told?
Watch Out
Blended Family Scenarios
Gaybar
Still in the Closet
Out and Proud
Newspaper Announcement
Watch Out
Moneysaver
Newspaper Announcement
Money Saving Tips
When Your Afraid They'll Be Less Than Delighted
Kissing Cousins
Driven Away
Family Frets About Staying Mum
Legal Questions & Answers
Wedding Announcements
Disgusted with Religion
Tips
It Worked for Me
Accessories (shoes-stockings)
Hosiery
Choose High Quality Shoes
Shopping Online for Shoes
Bright Idea
What's so Funny?
Wedding Gloves & Jewerly
Bright Idea
Gloves for the Groom & Groomsmen
Do your Homework
It Worked for Me
Ring
Appraisal
Do your Homework
Finger Swelling
Jewelry
Mishap & Disaster
Accessories to Shop For
Garters
Wedding Tip
Hankies or Bibles
Handkerchiefs
Guest Book
Question & Answer (displaying)
Delegate a Friend
Mishap & Disaster
Goblets
Ring Pillow
Last Minute Wedding Disaster
The Final Touches
SJP Silly Headdress
Selecting the Right Headpiece
Hats
$2.7 Million Dollar Hat
Hats, Checking Coats and Parcels
It Worked for Me
Don't Veil the Truth
Nuptial News
Bright Idea
Do your Homework
Best Heirloom
Mishap & Disaster
Bridal Trains
A Simulated Train
Mishap & Disaster
Wedding Wisdom
Don't Buy It! Rent It!
Etiquette for Accessing Items
Open Text Box
Tip Talk Tested
The Worst Place to Set your Handbag
The Worst Place for your Sneakers and Flip Flops
Underneath it All
Snappy Undergarments
Find the Perfect Fit (bra)
3 bras, 3 prices
Money Saving Tips
Bridal Purses
Etiquette Checklist
The Pregnant Bride
Ask the Expert
Wedding Dress
Getting Started
Thinking Ahead
By Appointment Only
What to Wear When Shopping
Watch Out
Your Dress and the Formality
Dress color
Choosing the Best Style
Ask the Experts
Questions & Answers
Pitfall
Avoid Wedding Ripoffs
Green Wedding Gown
Borrowing a Dress
Rent a Dress
Money Saving Tips
Custom
Watch Out
Restriction on Attendants
Wedding Wisdom
Choosing Attendants
Reciprocal Trade
Ask the Experts
Etiquette Question
Good Taste
The Pregnant Bridesmaid
Bright Idea
Making the Difficult Choices
First Person Disaster Story
Moody Maid of Honor
6 to 1 Ratio
Busy Bridesmaids
Regretting
Does Appearance Count
Shave your Beard Or..
When an Attendant Backs Out
Attendants Attire
Getting Started
Pretty Maids All in a Row
Ask the Experts
I'm on a Tight Budget
Tattooed Bridesmaid
Money Saving Tips
Do your Homework
Organic Attire
Do your Homework
Attire (male attendants)
Getting Started
Dressing the Groom
Money Saving Tips
Etiquette Checklist Tips
Money Tips
Lie to the Groomsmen
Asking the Experts
Rent a Tuxedo
Ask the Experts
Money Saver
Tips
Tux Shopping Tips
Buy a Man's Business Suit
Green Groomsmen
Do your Homework
Do your Homework
Dress for the Mothers'
Mothers of the Bride and Groom
Dress for the Bridal Party and Guests
Peacekeeper
What If
Ask the Experts
Money Saving Tips
Last Minute Wedding Disasters
Attendant Responsibility
Intoxicated Bridesmaid
Tradition ( Best Man)
Best Man
Honor Attendant
Dressing the Best Woman
Another Viewpoint
Mishap & Disaster
Missing the Rehearsal
Be a Best Man
Be a Groomsman
Ushers
Maid/Matron of Honor
Be a Maid/Matron of Honor
Bridesmaids
Be a Bridesmaids
Junior Bridesmaid
Flower Girl
Watch Out
Ring Bearer
Other Small Attendants
Informed Attendants
Attire Storage
Alterations
Abbreviations
Admission Cards
Addressing your Invitations
Money Saving Tips
Art Gallery
Altar
Assigned Seating
Wedding Wisdom
Wedding Wisdom
The Art of Mehnidi
Did you Know
Absentee Voting
Appreciation Party
Activities for Out of Town Guests
Your Exciting Life Starts Here
African American Traditions
The Lavish African American Tradition
Appreciate the Presents He Gives You
I Can't Stand the Clothes my Boyfriend Bought for Me
Actions Speak Louder than Words
Woman Needs Advice on Outfit
Husband Wants Wife to Ditch Bra on Weekend
Alternative Ceremony Site Options
Ancillary Tables
Accommodation Cards
Acupressure
Afternoon Tea
After Party
Alcohol Free Reception
Altar Flowers
Arches
Armotherapy
Amaranthus
Location Location Location
18 Couples Trade Wedding Vows at Historic Mansion
Do your Homework
At Home Ceremony Tips
At Home Ceremony
Do your Homework
Tips on the Anniversary Cake
Ask the Experts
Keep the Tradition
Arm Bouquets
At Home Cards
Abstentee Bride
Do your Homework
Write a Wedding Thank You Note
Aisle Posts
Aisle Runner
Aisle Carpet
Right or Left Arm?
Too Many Fathers
When the Stepfather is Chosen
Woman Questions Future with Dad
Dad's Phobia
Bride Refuses Her Dad's Offer
Acceptance Ceremony
Time Availability
3 Hour Gap
Wedding Album
Acoustics
Audio
Bright Idea
Audiologist
Hearing Loss (etiquette tips)
Total Loss
After the Honeymoon
Post Wedding Blues
Quirky Advice
My Wife's No Housekeeper
Clutterbug vs Neatfreak
Answering Machines
Answering your Telephone
Answering Service
Answering Systems
Human Contact
Azzium Gels (nails)
Fight Acne with the Right Diet
Audioletters
Alleviate Puffy Eyes
Fight Allergies
Allergic Reacting
Worst Case Scenario (flower allergies)
Allergic Reaction (false eyelashes)
Allergy Test to Avoid
Allergies
Addiction (legal question & answer)
When the Answer to a Proposal is No because of an addiction
Exercise May Affect Addictive Behaviors
What Does a Recovering Alcoholic Do at Toasting Time?
Invasion of Privacy
Meaningless Relationship=Aids 6 years later
Knowingly Infecting Others
Man Wants Prostitute as Wife
Anorexia
Anorexia Nervosa
Asthma
Roisens Rules
Athletes Feet
Situations Requiring Legal Advice
How to Save on Legal Costs
Etiquette Exerept
Etiquette Tips
Adopting a Child Through an Agency
Mother Regains Her Stolen Daughter
Family Affair
Adoptive Parents Have Love to Give
Gay Couples Can Be Adoptive Parents
Wife of Junior
Grounds of Annulment
Last Minute Wedding Disaster
What is an Annuity?
Advance Planning
Twelve Steps to Wealth
Laugh!
Legal Questions & Answers
Assisted Living
"Average" Marriage"
Kelly Cano, 32, and Carlos Cano, 35 Lancaster, California
Kelly and Carlos got married when she was 25 and he was 27---the average ages of American newlyweds.
With their three children---Madilyn, 6, Michael, 4, and Sophia, 11 months---Kelly, a stay at home mom,
and Carlos, a manufacturing associate of a biotech company, embody what many of us grew up thinking
marriage would look like.
Living the dream
"It took me three years of dating to know that I wanted to spend my life with Carlos," says Kelly. "I am
spunky, spontaneous, a bookworm, and very sociable. He was quiet, calm, and enjoyed working on his car
more than reading a novel. But at the core, I knew he wanted the same things--love, a family, a home. He
was kind, caring, and a gentleman, and he loved me and returned my love in a way I had always been
looking for. When I finally realized that Carlos was everything I wanted in a husband, I proposed!"
Give a little bit
"When you're married, you have to be a team. Carlos and I each sacrifice a lot for each other. He drives
two hours to work every day so I can stay home with the kids, and he gets home really late. We both get
exhausted and we miss each other so much. But we both respect what the other person is doing to make a
good family life."
Couple time
"When I was in the hospital recovering from my C-section after Sophia was born, we joked that I've got
to have a baby every few years so that Carlos and I can have some alone time! Being able to chat while
Sophia slept and the nurses brought us food---even if it was pathetic hospital food--was like a second
honeymoon!"
Parental Advice
To My Son
One of the benefits of being a father is being able to give advice. Based on experience and the desire to
have only the best for my sons, I offer these observations about selecting a mate for life. Leave her alone if:
She does not know whether hamburger comes from a cow or a pig.
She can get her pantyhose off in less than five seconds. It means she has had lots of practice.
She has sex with you on the first date.
Her parents call you “son” on your first meeting.
She smokes but tells you she can quit anytime she wants.
She tells you she didn’t get her high school diploma because her parents moved frequently.
When you ask her where she goes to church, she tells you her high school class once toured the Crystal
Cathedral.
You suggest a cocktail before noon, and she accepts.
She says the words “till death do us part” in marriage vows are outdated.
She tells you she has never voted in a presidential election.
She works and makes it clear that her money is her money and your money is our money.
She wants a baby soon-to cement the relationship.
Dear Ann Landers:
A while back, you printed a letter from “Dad in Anaheim,” who made a list of 12 observations to help his
sons select a mate.
I am a 32 year old divorced mother who has learned from her mistakes. I also have some observations to
offer my two daughters. I hope you’ll print them. Leave him alone if:
He feels cooking and cleaning is “woman’s work”
He stills lives at home.
He pressures you for sex.
He tells you he “has never felt this way” about anyone else.
He drinks before noon or after work on a regular basis.
He spends money on himself but has trouble paying rent and utilities.
He thinks birth control is your responsibility.
He can’t seem to hold a job.
He frequently needs to borrow money from you.
He shows disrespect for his family members or yours.
He has never asked for your opinion or advice on anything.
You have never heard him say, “I’m sorry.” Mom in Minnesota
Adult Son Needs to see Therapist
October 23, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My eldest son, "Ben" is 44 years old and still a huge concern for my husband and me.
Ben recently broke up with his fourth wife after only one year of marriage. His relationship with his three
former wives lasted about the same duration. The truth is my son has deep rooted problems stemming from
early childhood. These include exhibitionism, sexual sadism, and voyeurism. My husband and I took him
to a psychoanalyst when he was only 11 years old in an effort to unravel the causes of his behavior. After
two years of intensive therapy, Ben refused to attend any more sessions.
My son comes from a very loving and secure home. He has never wanted for anything in his life. His other
siblings show no signs of any unnatural behavior whatsoever. His last wife confided in me that she was
sick and tired of his bizarre proclivities. I don't think I can tolerate any more. Please help. Sad Mother
Dear Sad:
Ben needs professional help, but unless he is willing to admit it, there is nothing you can do for him. If four
marriages in as many years hasn't convinced him something is wrong, we doubt he will listen to anyone's
advice, but it certainly can't hurt for you to suggest he would be more capable of finding a lasting
relationship if he worked on it with the help of a good therapist.
You, however, need to separate yourself from Ben's problems. We know how hard this will be, but he is a
grown man and responsible for his own messes. Worrying will only make you miserable and stressed, and
accomplish nothing. You cannot fix this. Disengage.
Pregnant Wife Resents Self-Centered Husband
Dear Annie:
I am due to give birth to my first child any day and am seriously thinking about asking my husband to
move out after I do. "Tom" is lazy, underemployed, and self involved. We've had occasional fights about
his lack of participation, but mostly I was content. I was willing to take care of our finances and do nearly
all the house and yardwork. But not anymore.
Tom wanted us to have children, but after I got pregnant, I started noticing how little he contributed to our
relationship. I've seen how other men treat their pregnant partners, but Tom still spends the vast majority of
his paycheck on himself and pursues all his own interests, only pitching in at home when I get very upset.
The final straw came when I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. If I don't get up and
do some dishes or laundry, nothing gets done. I realize now that if Tom can't sacrifice some of his personal
time to help me when I really need it, he isn't likely to be a good father to our child, and he certainly won't
be a good example of how a husband should behave.
As much as I'd hate to kick Tom out of my life, I don't think I can handle taking care of a baby and a
husband while working full time. I might as well go it alone and at least remove the burden of Tom's care
from my plate. Honestly, he's been so uninterested in me and my pregnancy, I'd be amazed if he asked for
visitation rights.
Counseling probably won't work, as Tom only attended two of our four Lamaze classes before he got
bored and stopped going. Any advice? Better off alone in Des Moines
Dear Des Moines:
No one has bothered to teach Tom how to be a responsible hard-working husband and father--including
you. By taking on all the household duties, you have given Tom the impression that his participation is not
necessary. Please give him a chance to shape up before you throw him out. Explain how you feel and insist
that he go with you for counseling and, if necessary, parenting classes, as a condition of continuing in the
marriage. If he isn't interested, we agree that he's more burden than help.
Ask Mindy
Q: I am worried that my fiance is going to get tanked at the wedding. We both want to have fun, but I don't
want him to make a mockery of this day. I've even thought of sneaking into the groomsmen's area and
watering down their alcohol. What would you do?
A: I'd let the groom have a beer before the ceremony if he wants one----it really does take the edge off the
anxiety or excitement. But if you're really worried about it, just be up front. Assure him that there will be
plenty of time for drinking, but tell him that you don't want him to pass out on the way to the altar---or to
the honeymoon suite!
Ultimately, you can only be responsible for yourself. You can voice concerns, but he's an adult. You don't
want to start fighting right before the wedding---you want to start your marriage with compromise.
The Ladder Test
My childhood home on Orchard Street was set in a small town in the rolling hills of northern New Jersey.
It was a three story, mint-green stucco affair with forest-green shutters and a shingled roof that was in
constant need of repair.
Money was tight, and so my father did the repairs himself at night and on the weekends. However, when
my sisters and I grew into our teens, the roof served another purpose: my father used it to gauge the
character of the young men who came to call.
The first time a prospective suitor came to the house, Dad would go outside just before the “guinea pig”
arrived, propping his extension ladder against the side of the house. Laying a hammer at the foot of the
ladder, my father would then climb up and pretend to work. When the boy pulled up, Dad good naturedly
called out:
“Hey there! Dropped my hammer. Could you toss it up to me?”
Had the boy refused to get out of his car, I’m certain the date would have been over. (Fortunately, we all
had better sense than to invite someone like that home in the first place). However, if he picked up the
hammer, climbed the ladder partway, and tossed it to my father (as requested), the young man got a single
“star”. That was enough for a single date, but not enough for him to be considered a serious contender for
our affections.
If the young man climbed the ladder, handed the tool to Dad, and engaged him in a bit of lighthearted
banter, that was better: two stars. Enough for a second date. A real conversation earned a guy three starsand
the respect of my father.
One of my boyfriends, a handy young man, was so eager to please that he climbed up and proceeded to
spend the afternoon helping Dad tear shingles off the roof, leaving me to stew dateless in the kitchen. Later
Dad tried to smooth my ruffled feathers by exclaiming over the young man’s sterling character. I could
“keep this one” if I wanted to, he said. (I didn’t, but have always regretted it.) My sister’s friend John
helped my father put the finishing touches on the roof-and he later became my brother-in-law.
The roof completed, my parents sold the house and moved to another state. My younger sisters didn’t have
the benefit of “The Ladder Test”, and I can’t help but wonder if all our lives would have been easier had
Dad found another roof to fix. Flowers are sweet, and candy is dandy-but nothing says “keeper” to a girl
like a guy who’s willing to face her father armed with nothing but a hammer.
Medical Needs are Self Generated
August 9, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My adult son, "Nick" has been hospitalized more than a dozen times and treated in emergency rooms
nearly 100 times over the past 18 years. He has shot himself and stabbed himself in the liver (both
"accidental") and has had pointless exploratory surgeries and now he is in constant pain.
Several years ago, in a rare moment of introspection, Nick admitted that most of his accidents, surgeries,
and hospital visits had been unnecessary. He said he enjoyed being able to fool doctors, who he feels are
arrogant and smug. Several doctors suspected Nick was intentionally injuring himself, but because
doctors today have to be careful, they continue performing tests and treating him.
Nick is now in the hospital with esophageal ulcers due to vomiting and coughing. I have seen this before
and am sure it is self inflicted. Of course, the doctors are concerned and baffled. Nick now needs a blood
transfusion. I called the hospital and asked a nurse to tell his doctor to call me, but I haven't heard back.
Nick has no health insurance and cannot hold a job due to his chronic health problems. His wife and
children rely on friends, community assistance, and family for financial help.
If Nick knew I was attempting to contact his doctor, he would never speak to me again. I am so worried he
will one day accidentally kill himself. What can I do? A Brokenhearted Mother
Dear Mother:
It sounds as if Nick suffers from Munchausen syndrome, a type of mental illness in which a person
deliberately creates or exaggerates physical symptoms in order to get sympathy and attention. It is
extremely difficult to treat, and you are right to be concerned. Yes, you should talk to his doctor, and if he
doesn't call you back, leave a message with the information. Nick needs to see a psychotherapist, and the
entire family might benefit from counseling to learn how best to deal with this.
Q: Are there laws protecting the privacy of medical records?
A:Yes. Medical records are considered private matters subject to the same constitutional protection as
other areas of our private lives. Anyone who releases medical information without a patient's consent may
be charged with invasion of privacy, breach of contract, or betrayal of confidentiality, depending on the
circumstances of the case. Federal and state laws also protect medical records from unauthorized release.
In certain situations, however, the law requires a doctor to release specific information, even if the patient
objects. If a patient is suffering from a communicable disease or a gunshot wound, of if a child shows
signs of abuse, the law may require a doctor to notify the appropriate public health or police authorities.
Laws Against False Advertising
The advertising industry is regulated by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), and a consumer who is
harmed by dishonest advertising can report it to the FTC, but he can sue only under the laws of this state.
Although many states have modeled their false-advertising laws on FTC rulings, not all of them have
adopted precisely the same regulations. Following are some typical state laws against false advertising:
A store cannot advertise goods without intending to sell them as advertised. For example, a video shop
cannot advertise tapes at low prices when there aren't enough tapes on hand to satisfy a reasonable demand,
unless the ad clearly states that the supply is limited.
When specially advertised items run out, a store must take orders or give rain checks.
A merchant may not advertise a product at a low price and then tell his customer that the model is sold out
and try to sell him a more expensive one. This illegal practice is called bait and switch.
It is illegal to mark up the price of an item and then show a "reduction" to make it appear that the item is a
bargain.
A seller may not not misrepresent used goods as new.
A manufacturer may not misrepresent the quality, usefulness, reliability, or durability of his product.
A vocational school may not make false or misleading claims about the quality of its instruction or about
its job-placement services.
An advertisement may not falsely claim that a product is sponsored or approved by a professional group.
For example, a company cannot legally claim that their stop smoking program was approved by the
American Cancer Society unless the society had specifically approved it. It is not enough to reason that the
society would approve because it actively campaigns against smoking.
Man who sought to sue for lost pants tries again
October 23, 2008 The Blade
A former administrative law judge who unsuccessfully sued a dry cleaner for $54million over a pair of lost
pants tried to convince an appeals panel yesterday that he deserves the money because he is a fraud victim.
Roy L. Peterson argued before the District of Columbia Court of Appeals that the case is about whether the
owners of a neighborhood business misled consumers with a sign that claimed "Satisfaction Guaranteed."
Mr. Pearson said the sign was deceptive and that the burden was on owners Jin Nam Chung and Soo
Chung to explain whether the promise came with restrictions.
He lost his job when a D.C. commission voted not to reappoint him.
Do your Homework!
*** *** of ****** took my money and never sent my product. I ordered a product for my wedding which
she said would take three days. Three weeks later I still didn’t get it and it was getting closer to the
wedding. I e-mailed her, she didn’t respond, I called her and she said she didn’t receive my email because
she didn’t want to tell me that my order was shipped to the wrong person…in another country! She goes
through this long story about how that never happens and that she says she started redoing my order and
ran out of material, and that she would send what she had right then and the rest ASAP. Still never got it.
Not even the part she supposedly had already and was sending that very day. After that I was never able to
reach her by phone again, and she’s never responded to my emails or the messages left on her answering
machine. She keeps you hanging with excuses until its too late for you to file a report with your credit card
company to try and get your money back, and then she ignores you. She’s even ignored the Better Business
Bureau’s attempts to contact her. Izelda Round Rock, Texas
Addressing (What to call Whom)
Every office has its own protocol for who is called by his or her first name, and who is called by his or her
title. New employees should follow suit, after listening carefully to how people are addressed.
If your's is a "title"office, but you call your boss Charlie when meeting alone, you should still call him Mr.
Jeppeson when others are around.
If your's is an informal office, you still should wait for the other person to say, " Please call me Steve,"
before doing so, if he has been introduced to you as "Mr. Feeney".
Everyone, no matter whether the office is formal or informal, has a name. No secretary should ever be
referred to as "my girl". She is, if a possessive must be used, "Jean Verrilli, my secretary," or "Tony
Anders, my assistant".
Dear Carolyn:
Three and a half years ago I married a man who has two adult children. The grandchildren are 3,3,1, and 4
months. I feel it is disrespectful to have the children call me by my first name (which is what they are
doing), yet Mrs. is too formal. I had a rocky start with his sons so I did not want to push the issue. Things
are much better now, but I'm not sure if I should say anything or just let it go. I've talked to my husband
about how I feel but he hasn't talked to his children and he still refers to me by my first name to the
grandchildren. It is making it difficult to bond with the children because it bothers me every time they say
my name! I'd really like to be their grandma, but I don't feel like I'm accepted in that role. Just Call me
Grandma
I am with you on the disrespect--not because informality chafes, necessarily, but because I'm grateful I was
taught that kids are kids and a friends mom is Mrs. Friend's Last Name. Social ranking has its place.
Cons: Calling you "Grandma" might seem disrespecful to their two grandmothers.
And I have yet to see a person nitpick her way into someone's heart. In your rocky start and in your
emotional ambition to be promoted to Grandma, you have two issues substantial enough to reduce your
name campaign, by comparison, to a snit.
And, given your husband's lack of follow-through, you'd be in this snit alone.
And, kids have a way of conferring titles on people they love---Meme, NooNoo, what ever poo--so the last
thing you want is to fuss over something that may eventually fix itself.
And, not least: These kids "still" call you by your first name, which implies continuity, which says you
really spend time with them. Lucky you. If you can't see that's the only thing that matters in forging a bond,
that one's on you.
Please don't call me 'Gramps'
Just because you've got a grandchild doesn't mean you're ready to be called "Grandma" or "Grandpa".
Many active, age conscious Boomers are adopting other names--Nana or Mimi, for example that sound
younger and suit them.
Dear Ann Landers:
With the ever-increasing number of blended families, some of your readers may have the same problem
I've been experiencing: how to address new relatives other than by their first name.
I have invented some words that could be incorporated into the language. They may take a little getting
used to, but after a while, they will come naturally. This is what I propose:
Stepson: ston
Stepdaughter: staughter
Stepfather: stather or stad
Stepmother:stother or stom
Stepgrandfather:stampa
Stepgrandmother:stamma
Stepbrother:strother (or stro if you are close)
Stepsister: stister or stis
Stepcousin: stousin (or stuz if you are close)
Stepaunt: staunt
Stepuncle: stuncle
What do you think about this, Ann? Once you get the hang of it, it could be terrific. Ray C., Tulsa
Dear Ann Landers:
When I was first married, I used to clear my throat to get the attention of my in-laws. I didn't want to call
them Mom and Dad, or Mother and Father, and I wouldn't have dared to call them by their first names.
When I did use "Mom" and "Dad", I was very uncomfortable, even though I liked them both a great deal.
But they are not my parents, and I kept searching (without success) for a name that would identify them
properly and show love as well.
Now, we have a son-in-law who calls my husband and me by our first names and another son-in-law who
calls us "Mr. and Mrs." We are not happy with either. The first is too chummy, and the second is too
formal.
Every in-law we have talked to feels as we do except a few people who don't mind being called by their
first names. Do you have a solution to this age-old dilemma? Nameless and Placeless
Dear N. and P.:
In the absence of an ideal salutation (which I am unable to produce), I suggest that each family make up
their own. In my own dear family, all four sons-in-law call my father "Mr. A.B." (the initials of his first
and middle name). It was the perfect solution.
What to Call the Future In-Laws: Etiquette Exerept
You should continue to call each other's parents exactly what you have been calling them up to the moment
of your engagement. If you have called them Mr. and Mrs., just continue to do so until they suggest
otherwise. If they want you to call them "Mom" and "Dad", it's fine to do so if you feel comfortable.
Most married couples refer to their in-laws by their first names. If, after you are married, your in-laws have
not suggested a less formal address, you may then ask them what they would like you to call them.
Miffed Mother Wants Daughter's Attention
August 18, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I had always dreamed of planning my daughter's wedding. I didn't want to upset her budding relationship
with her future mother in law, but then the two of them planned it all ---even shopping for her wedding
gown. How do I tell her how much it hurts to hear her call her mother in law "Mom"? The woman is NOT
her mother. I am.
I could put up with this when the in laws lived far away, but now my daughter lives in their town. When
she had her first child, we moved closer so we could help. My own medical problems made it difficult to
care for an infant full time, but I offered to take the children when necessary so the parents wouldn't miss
work. Did they ever take me up on it? No. But of course, her mother in law can do it all. The woman is 15
years older than I am and has just as many medical problems. I said I'd take the kids so the mother in law
could have a day off, but "Mom" refused and said she could handle it.
I got fed up with being treated as useless and moved two hours away. If it weren't for the grandchildren, I
would forget I even have a daughter. Any suggestions? Hurting Mother
Dear Hurting:
It was gracious of you to step back and allow your daughter to bond with her mother in law, which,
apparently, she has. And now you resent it. Moving away in a fit of pique was a bit childish. You need to
stop seeing this as a competition for your daughter's love. Instead, form a new relationship with her. Don't
be the baby sitter. Be a friend. Meet her once a week or once a month for lunch at a nice restaurant. Talk
about the interesting things going on in your life and hers. See a play or concert together. Be someone she
wants to spend time with, instead of a bitter woman who makes her feel guilty.
Aromatherapy www.naha.org
A-ro-ma-ther-a-py-The use of oils extracted from plants to alleviate physical and psychological
disorders, usually through massage or inhalation.
This is another ideal way to deal with stress. Aromatherapy is the art and science of using essential oils, the
aromatic extracts of plants and flowers for health and well-being. While the term aromatherapy is a fairly
new term and been used for a relatively short period of time, the practice of using aromatic plants and their
extracts for spiritual, physical and psychological well-being dates back to our earliest history. It is a holistic
practice that incorporates mind, body, pleasure and healing.
The Egyptians, as well as the Greeks, used plant oils in their embalming process, as well as in daily
aromatic bath and massage for health and happiness.
The use of many parts of plants, (leaves, flower petals, bark, and roots) is used to produce the essential oils
that are used in treatments.
The founding science of aromatherapy began in 1937 when a French chemist severely burned his hand. He
plunged his hand into a container of lavender oil which returned his hand to its normal state. The new
science was termed Aromatherapie.
Anti-Insomnia Kit www.vilift.com
When you wake up at 3 a.m., it helps to prepare relaxing activities ahead of time, says Dr. Ash. Put these in
the next room:
A simple sewing or crafts project, especially knitting or needlepoint
A journal or notebook, with pen
Crossword puzzles and a pencil
Magazines or a book that is pleasant but not a page turner
Soft, new-age type music and headphones.
Why These Help: "The back and forth movement of your eyes as you knit, sew, read or write helps trigger
neuro-controls for sleep," says Dr. Ash. The sound of soft music is relaxing. "Go back to bed the minute
you feel drowsy, not before. You want to teach your brain that the bedroom is a calm, comfortable
environment for rest."
Rest Assured
May is Better Sleep Month! Here, a few nuggets to help you slip more smoothly into the land of Nod:
Bothered by Back Pain? Sleeping on soft surfaces that conform to the body (like foam mattress toppers)
can reduce pain and promote more restful zzz's say Danish researchers.
If You've Been Achooing the Night Away, check your pillows. By the time they've spent 18 months on
your bed, pillows are teeming with allergy-causing dust mites and fungi, reports a British study.
Hot Flashes May be Sapping Your Sleep, according to experts at the University of Arizona. For a restful
night, wear lightweight, loose-fitting PJs and keep your bedroom temp cool.
Displays of Affection
Lovemaking is a personal matter that does not belong in public. Displays of affection or attraction are often
embarrassing to others, are not appropriate in the presence of children, and belong in a private setting.
Holding hands, affectionate greetings accompanied by a kiss on the cheek, or a quick hug are perfectly
acceptable in public. Passion is not.
Q:My husband and I have been together for eight years. One day, out of the blue, he told me he wanted us
to separate because I'm not affectionate enough. When we went out in public, he needed us to hold hands;
every time he'd come home, I was supposed to kiss him; whenever we hung up the phone, he had to hear "I
love you." He also said he wanted more sex (about every other day). At first I begged him to stay, so he
gave me a chance. But now I cringe whenever he touches me. He calls me at work to talk about nothing.
When I'm home, he has to be in the same room. I feel smothered and am starting to regret wanting him
back. I do love him, but he's worse than my kids in terms of neediness. The thought of losing him was
scary because I felt I needed a man around and I wanted to be married---but lately, I don't want to bother
anymore. It seems to me I shouldn't have to try so hard.
Dr. Phil: It's possible that you're resentful because you feel overwhelming pressure to be affectionate on
your husband's terms. Alternatively----and this is the subject you need to examine---you may not have the
kinds of feelings that are the foundation of a marriage.
Two people who are in love typically want to touch base during the day and have physical contact in public
or private. In my opinion, you're resisting appropriate levels of intimacy.
Only you can determine what the problem is, but it seems to me there's enough confusion here that you're
probably not ready to end the relationship without doing some more work. I don't think you should stay out
of fear, but I also don't think you should quit until you've thought through some questions:
Why did I marry this man in the first place? Obviously, I was attracted to him at one point. What drew me
to him, and what dreams did he fulfill in me?
Has something shifted since then? Have I changed? has he changed, or have we changed as a couple?
What's missing? Are these things fixable?
Does he know with certainty what my wants and needs are? Have I been clear about what I require from
him?
What can I do to give this relationship a chance to breathe?
After thinking carefully about where you are, you might then consider going to counseling before making a
decision about whether it's time to bail.
American Association for Marrige and Family Therapy
1133 15th Street NW, Suite 300
Washington DC 20005
202-452-0109
(For a list of certified therapists in your area)
Ask Laskas
I have a problem with PDA (public display of affection). My problem is, I don't get any. I would love to
hold hands with my husband or kiss him out in the open for all to see. But he's not wired that way. Even at
our wedding, we barely touched. I have raised the subject, but he ignores me. What do I do? PDA please
Dear PDA:
You barely touched at the wedding and now he ignores you? Sweetheart, you'd best check whether
affection is a mutual part of your marriage, public or private. While you're at it, ask yourself this: Why do I
need the world to witness my husband's affection?
Dear Annie:
I'm 60 years old and my boyfriend, "Mervin," is 68. We have such wonderful chemistry and can talk on the
phone for hours and never run out of interesting topics. Sex is perfect.
The problem is, Mervin was raised without affection and has trouble being demonstrative. I have multiple
sclerosis and need his support, not only emotionally, but physically ----especially when walking.
I sometimes trip and he refuses to hold my hand. Even if I didn't have MS, I would expect to walk along
hand in hand with my boyfriend. He says it is "sissy".
I feel neglected and could never go through life this way. Can he change? With Him but Alone
Dear With Him:
Someone who would rather let your trip on the sidewalk than hold your hand is putting his needs above
yours. If Mervin truly cares for you, he will make an effort to work on his inability to show affection.
Otherwise, you must decide if he's worth it as is because, unfortunately, things are not going to get any
easier.
Announcements
You could have knocked me over with a feather when my two older daughters, both in their 50s,
announced they were marrying their long time boyfriends. "Well no one can accuse them of having a
shotgun wedding, " I joked when I shared the good news with their younger sister.
"You got that right," Lori agreed. "More like a stun gun wedding." Dorothy Amato
Watch Out!
When it comes to ex-boyfriends and girlfriends (or ex-husbands and wives) attending the wedding, be
sensible, not sentimental or vengeful. Exes who are friends belong at your wedding, as long as both you
and your fiance feel comfortable about it. If you want your ex to see you looking gorgeous in your gown
and kick himself for dumping you, send him a picture.
What to do if a friend.....
Tells you she's going to marry the creep she's been dating
You might say: "I want you to know that I love you. If this guy makes you happy, then I'm happy for you.
But if he ever doesn't make you happy, we'll get rid of him together."
Samantha Von Sperling Etiquette Advisor
Don't say he's a creep. Say, "Have you thought about what it's going to be like to be married to a man who
doesn't want to work?" It's her choice---and it might work out. He may still be a creep, but he's the creep
she loves. Rose Murdock Etiquette Advisor
If she is your friend, does she not already know that you think her fiance is a creep? Tim Gunn
Another Viewpoint
The Ex-Spouse Asks: Why Wasn't I Told?
Q: I am very hurt and perplexed. I heard about my ex-wife's remarriage the same way the general
population did---in a newspaper announcement. While we didn't have children together, we divorced on
good terms. Why couldn't my ex-wife have made a simple phone call to me in advance as a courtesy?
A:It certainly would have been thoughtful if she had advised you. Even if there are no children, It is a
discourtesy to let an ex-spouse hear this news from anyone other than the former husband or wife. When
there are children from the first marriage, it is particularly important to let an ex-spouse know about the
impending nuptials. The ex should be told early on, at (or close to ) the time the children are informed.
This courtesy allows an ex to better deal with the news and help the children deal with it.
Ask Mindy
Q: My fiancee is inviting not one but three ex-boyfriends to the wedding. I think it's not only awkward, but
disrespectful to me. She says she values her past relationships and that I have nothing to feel threatened
about. What gives?
A: It could be that she's looking for closure by inviting her exes and having them witness her union to
another man. It could be that she thinks of them as friends and wants to share the experience with them. No
matter: If it bothers you, then it should be brought up and discussed. You don't want the day after your
wedding to be tainted with resentment over whether she took a spin with one of them on the dance floor. It
shouldn't be so hard for her to disinvite them--such a decision would be easy enough for anyone to
understand.
Hey Carolyn!
A co-worker is sooo happy with her new fiancé. After meeting him, my “gaydar” went off. I didn’t say
anything to anyone. Another co-worker came up to me and asked if I had met HIM. Turns out that
everyone who has met this guy has independently come to the conclusion that Mr. Wonderful is gay, or at
least bisexual. Question is, do we say anything to our co-worker of our suspicions, or do we let nature take
its course? Sacramento
Suspecting, suspecting strongly and suspecting strongly enmasse do not constitute knowledge. A good
rule, especially with co-workers: When you know nothing, say nothing. And ixnay on the ossip-gay please.
Our 50 Funniest (True!) Stories
When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten
years are the hardest," she said. "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Ten years," she replied.
Tonya Winter
Dear Annie:
I am in my mid 50's and have known since childhood that I am gay, but I have always lived as a straight
man. I met my wife in graduate school. I liked her as a friend and, after many years, married her. I was
lonely and couldn't see myself living openly as my real self. We have two children.
Four months ago, I met a younger guy who is very much in the closet except with me. Our friendship
electrifies me. There is nothing sexual between us and I don't intend to initiate anything, but if he wanted
more, I don't know what I'd do. I couldn't stand to lose him. I have been faithful to my wife, even though
our sex life has been marginal at best. She accepts my friend and has even had him over for dinner, but my
children do not. It's as if they know.
I want so much to tell my wife. I know it would clear up many questions I'm sure she has. But I fear what
she might do to me--a nasty divorce and a financial wipeout. Do I have anything to gain by telling her, or
should I just refuse to state what might already be obvious? Still in the Closet
Dear Closet:
Here's what you have to gain: a loving relationship and satisfying sex life with someone who appreciates
the real you, and the self-respect that comes from being honest and doing the right thing. Your wife also
deserves to know the truth and, if she she wants it, a relationship with someone who is sexually attracted to
her.
She and your children can learn to forgive you for the deception if you handle this decently and lovingly. If
you decide to come clean, you can get support through PFLAG (pflag.org) 1726 M St. N.W. Suite 400
Washington D.C. 20036
Dear Annie:
This is in response to "Still in the Closet," the 50 something gay man who is married and now has met a
nice young man.
I am 59 years old and gay. I followed through with what my parents wanted and got married. But I got
tired of the hypocrisy and the double life.
Annie, had I known the hell I would be going through, I would have come out 20 years earlier. At the age
of 47, it was harder for my mother to accept, especially since I had married and produced two children. I
believe it would have been easier for her if she'd never had the impression that I was straight. After 17
years, I left my wife and children. Tell "Still" to square himself away with his family before he thinks of
fooling around.
Out and Proud
Dear Out and Proud:
We agree and hope he has the courage to be honest with himself and his family.
Announcement
To announce your engagement in the paper, call and ask what information they would like you to include.
If you and your fiancé are from different towns, send the announcement to both papers. Divorced parents
who would both like to announce the engagement can include their names separate. Such an announcement
would read: “Mr. George Smith and Mrs. or Ms.Martha Smith (or Mrs. Robert Jones, or Mrs. or Ms.
Martha Jones, if she has remarried) announces the engagement of their daughter, Sarah, to John Quinn, son
of Mr. and Ms. Paul Quinn of San Jose, California.”
In the second paragraph you may mention where the bride and groom went to school, any honors they
received there, and the positions they now hold. If you’ve already set a date for the wedding, you can add
the time and place at the end of the announcement. You may want to include your picture or a picture of
both yourself and your fiancé. Be sure to attach a caption to the picture (don’t write on the back) with
pertinent information.
Although engagements are generally announced by the bride’s parents, the parents of the groom, especially
if they are participating in the wedding plans, may want to co-announce the event. If you and your fiancé
are planning your own wedding, you may announce your engagement jointly.
Some newspapers, mainly those in the larger cities, will print your engagement announcement or your
wedding announcement, but not both.
Watch Out!
You must include the phone/fax numbers for every person listed in the announcement. Submissions that
come in without contact numbers are often not even considered, so don't forget those digits. And type the
information---or at least print it very, very neatly.
Moneysaver
Some wedding photographers throw in a free picture for announcements as part of the deal---as a trial. Be
sure to ask about it.
Newspaper Announcement www.50states.com
Engagement announcements are submitted to local newspapers, who may publish them if they choose to do
so. In some communities, almost any announcement that is submitted is published; in large city dailies,
such as The New York Times, only a select number of engagements are announced in the editorial pages of
the paper.
Call the newspaper to which you want to submit the announcement and ask them to mail you the
submission forms. If they do not have any prepared forms, discuss the required format for an
announcement.
Engagement announcements usually describe the bride and groom’s education, their current employment,
their parent’s social position and current employment, and may even describe several generations in the
family lineage.
If you prepare the announcement, try to duplicate the format of the announcements the newspaper usually
publishes. The announcement should be neatly typed, double spaced, on 81/2 by 11 inch white paper. Type
your name, address, and a telephone number where you can be reached during the day at the top of each
page. Include an identification line at the top of each page: McCloud engagement (for example).
Money Saving Tips
Submit your announcement and picture to newspapers that do not charge for publication in their
announcement column.
If your town newspaper charges by the word, practice writing your announcement in the fewest words
possible. One bride saved fifteen dollars just by revising and condensing.
If your town newspaper charges a flat fee for the announcement itself, get your money’s worth by writing a
long entry filled with details as an even better memento.
If you would like to put your announcement in several newspapers and all charge printing fees, choose
only the most important ones. These may be papers in your hometown, the groom’s hometown, and those
of both sets of parents.
When you’re Afraid They’ll be Less Than Delighted
This is a time of congratulations and delight if your parents know and like your fiancé and have been
eagerly awaiting the news. If you can’t predict your parents’ reaction accurately, or if you know that their
reaction will be stony, you may wonder how you can best approach the lion’s den.
One couple took the parent’s of the bride-to-be by surprise. Nancy’s fiancé believed in old-fashioned
diplomacy and, with Nancy present, asked her parents for their blessing. The nicest thing Nancy’s mother
found to say-lips trembling and voice quavering-was that she was bitterly disappointed. Nancy’s father
chimed in with similar congratulations of ill will. The engaged couple countered with speeches concerning
their love and respect for one another, making it clear they knew what was best. Their serious,
nondefensive tone indicated they were not to be dissuaded. Nancy’s parents began to accept the marriage
as inevitable and were forced to look at the forthcoming event with something less than their original
consternation.
A united front can work the miracle you can’t manage on our own. Your parents, like Nancy’s, will
probably be impressed that your future spouse has enough love for you and enough courage to stand up to
them. A couple’s forthright declaration of their love and concern for each other’s happiness under such
adversary conditions will at least demonstrate to willful parents that you mean business and will not be
thwarted easily. They may not be pleased with our choice at the outset, but console yourself with the
knowledge that you have managed to convince them you are an adult, free to make your own decisions.
Dear Annie:
I have found the man of my dreams. We've been seeing each other for the last three years and believe we
are true soul mates. We want more than anything to get married. The problem is our family---family in the
singular.
You see, we are first cousins, at least legally. We actually are not blood related because I was adopted
when I was 4 months old. Because of the legal connection, though, our family views this as incest.
We grew up more than 600 miles apart and only met twice before attending the same college. We have
both finished school now and have great jobs. We feel ready to take the next step in our relationship and
want to get married.
Our family has threatened not to show up for the wedding.The thought is unbearable for both of us. Can
you please advise us? Kissing Cousins
Dear Cousins:
Marriage between first cousins is illegal in 25 states, which means it could be perfectly fine where you are.
Some states permit first-cousin unions if there is no increased chance of producing children with genetic
abnormalities, and that is certainly the case here, since you are not blood related. Do some reseach and find
out what's permitted in your state.
Then present this information to your family. If they still refuse to accept the union, you might dig a little
deeper and find out if there is another reason.
She Just Wants to be One of the Family
Dear Annie:
I am a 25 year old single mother. I’ve never been married, and the situation I’m in right now does not make
me look forward to walking down the aisle.
I love “Gary” with all of my heart. We have dated for three years, and he eventually wants to marry, but his
family is not so welcoming. I was the reason Gary moved out of his mother’s home, and I am the reason he
does not spend as much time with them as he used to.
Mind you Annie, I do not stop him from seeing or calling them. I would never do that. His family,
however, blames me. They start a lot of arguments. Last week, they lied to him about something I had said
in order to make him angry with me. Fortunately, he didn’t believe them, but it really upset me that they
would stoop to that level.
Gary says he will always put me first, no matter what, but I worry. I want a future with a man whose
family welcomes me and treats me as one of their own. I don’t see that happening here. How should I
handle this? I’m afraid that our life together will be over before it begins. Driven Away
Dear Driven:
The potential in laws sound difficult and unpleasant, but the important thing is Gary’s attitude and support.
If you believe that he will put you first, you have nothing to worry about. However, it wouldn’t hurt to turn
on the charm and try to warm up the relatives. Be friendly and let them know how important it is to you
that Gary stay close to his family. It will help.
Dear Annie:
Boy, did you two miss the mark with your response to "Unwanted Daughter in Law." Mommy in law, who
wore black to the wedding, is a bully, and her baby boy, the hubby in question, is a pantywaist. That bride
doesn't need to be "unfailingly kind and helpful"to this boorish cow. That will only embolden the old
crone. She ought to tell that wimp of a husband that either he stands up for her or she's out of there.
Before my wife of 21 years and I were to be married in her home church (Catholic), my mother (Lutheran)
made a veiled threat that she might not be able to keep from making comments about it at our wedding. I
told her if she couldn't keep her big mouth shut for one day, she was no longer welcome to attend. I then
hung up. My mother was the essence of graciousness that day. She just wanted to control things, and I
stood up for my wife. Being nice to bullies is not the answer. A Guy with a Spine
Dear Guy:
If you want to tell YOUR mother how to behave, that's fine. She loves you. But for your wife to have done
what you did would have been a major disaster and possibly poisoned the relationship forever. Newlyweds
need diplomacy with the in-laws--and a spouse like you who will stick up for them.
Family Frets About Staying Mum
July 1, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
A few months ago, our 31 year old son married a 27 year old woman with two young children. They have
known each other for two years. Our daughter in law had both children out of wedlock, each by a different
father. At first, we were very concerned about this, but we have welcomed her and her children into our
family.
My husband and I decided not to tell my 90 year old father about the children's parentage. Dad is of a
generation that frowns on living together before marriage, premarital sex, etc. He has a history of abusive
behavior, and we know he would berate our son, his wife, and the children if he knew the history.
The children now are curious about their new great grandfather and want to send him pictures. Our son
asked what he should do. His wife was not aware of the deception. We advised that he tell her the truth,
which he did, and they are in the process of deciding what to tell the children.
We all feel pretty sick about this situation. My daughter in law has never met my father, so I'm not sure she
can appreciate the type of person he is and how abusive he can be. I want to explain why we handled it this
way. Do you have any advice for resolving this family crisis? Confused Mom
Dear Confused:
Give your daughter in law as much information as you can about your father's opinions and anger issues.
Tell her he is not likely to be the warm and fuzzy grandpa the kids expect. If she still wants to risk being
completely honest, that is up to her and her husband, and they will deal with the fallout. If Grandpa berates
you about your daughter in law, ignore him. There is no harm, however, in withholding some information
from a 90 year old man who is likely to be apoplectic at the news.Send a picture if you wish, but don't
elaborate.
Dear Annie:
Last month, my nephew, who is a rabbi, sent me an e-mail announcing that his 19-year-old daughter is
getting married, and he asked for the addresses of my children. I gladly obliged.
Yesterday, an invitation came to my house addressed to my daughter-not her husband. My son-in-law is
not Jewish, and therefore, my daughter was invited alone. Furthermore, she has been married for 10 years
and does not live at my house.
How archaic and intolerant can people be? Needless to say, I will not be attending, even though I am the
only aunt left on that side of the family, and incidentally, I am my nephew’s godmother as well. What is
your opinion? Disgusted with Religion
Dear Disgusted:
Someone who is deeply observant would not recognize a marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew.
However, Jewish law certainly allows you to invite a non-Jew to a wedding or any other event, and in fact,
requires that people treat one another with respect, and not intentionally insult them or cause hurt feelings.
Your nephew’s attitude does not reflect his religion, only his personal need to let you know he still
disapproves of your daughter’s marriage. You were right to decline, but we hope you will not penalize the
newlyweds for Dad’s unkind gesture.
Q: Are some kinds of marriages illegal?
A: Yes. Every state has restrictions on who can marry whom. No lawful marriage can exist between
persons of the same sex or if one of the prospective spouses is already married to someone else. Relatives
who are prohibited from marrying each other are brother and sister, parent and child, grandparent and
grandchild, aunt and nephew, and uncle and niece. States differ on whether first cousins can marry. Any
blood relationship more distant than this is generally acceptable.
Many states also restrict marriages between people who are related by marriage; unions between
stepparents and stepchildren are the most frequently prohibited. Other states have completely eliminated
restrictions for people related by marriage.
Q:How soon can I remarry after I am divorced?
A: You may not remarry until the court issues the final divorce decree ending your current marriage. In
addition, some states also have a waiting period following the decree--ranging from one to six months---
before you can remarry.
Q:I just discovered that my husband’s divorce from his first wife was never made final by the court. Are
we legally married? Are our children legitimate?
A:You are not legally married. Until his divorce is final, your husband remains married to his first wife. He
could be found guilty of bigamy and punished according to the laws of your state. Although your marriage
is invalid, your children are considered legitimate.
Question for Peggy
Wedding Announcements
Q:When do I send out wedding announcements?
A:It's a good idea to have your wedding announcements addressed and stamped before the wedding, either
by you or someone helping you. They should go into the mail soon after your wedding day---traditionally
announcements are mailed the day after the wedding. Ask a friend or relative to mail them if you are
planning a long honeymoon.
Q:Who receives wedding announcements?
A: Printed or handwritten wedding announcements sent through the mail can serve a useful purpose.
These are generally sent to those friends and family who were left off the guest list because the celebration
was too small to accommodate them, or to acquaintances or business associates who, while not particularly
close to the family, might still wish to hear news of the marriage.
Tips
Your families should be the first to hear the news of your engagement.
If the couple wishes, their engagement may be announced formally, at an engagement party and/or via a
newspaper announcement. No announcement should ever be made of an engagement in which either
member is still legally married to someone else--no matter how close the divorce or annulment may be.
"It Worked for Me!"
"We live in Manhattan, my folks are in upstate New York, and my husband's family is in California. So we
asked the telephone operator to set up a three-way conference call and we gave them the news
simultaneously. Not only was it a great way to make sure both moms and dads felt equally important, it
also helped break the ice between the in-laws. They were both so happy and kept congratulating not just
us, but each other." Stacy 27, New York
Accessories
Wedding Shoes and Stockings
Your stockings should be a sheer beige, champagne, ivory or white, depending on the color of your shoes
and wedding gown. There are wonderful bridal hose available some with appliqués or exquisite lace
designs.
Don’t forget this important touch; you wouldn’t want to be embarrassed when it’s time to take off the
garter.
A pump style shoe is best in a silk or satin, and can be dyed to match your dress. For an added touch you
may want to cover shoes with matching lace. Make sure they are comfortable and that the heel is not too
high. Be prepared for hours of standing.
Some brides choose to wear ballet slippers, depending on their height and the groom’s. They can
purchased at some bridal salons, dance stores, or through mail order. A special touch is to cover them with
lace, baby pearls, or appliquéd roses.
The bride's shoes are usually of white satin (if the gown is satin) or peau de soie. She should be sure that
they are comfortable because not only does she walk up the aisle in them, but also she has to stand in them
at the reception. Pumps are more appropriate than open sandals.
Hosiery
Generally makes shoes more comfortable and puts legs in their best light, but if you're wearing a sandal or
an open toed shoe, skip it. Ditto if you're wearing mules--backless shoes and hose were never meant to be
worn together.
With a wedding ensemble, you want hose to be simple. There's no need for extra adornment. Look for a
pair that blends seamlessly with your outfit, a sheer nude or a sheer with a hint of pink or ivory. Sheen can
look lovely, but know that it adds weight to your legs.
Give your hosiery a trial run with the dress. If there is any tulle or netting next to your legs, it will shred
your hosiery in minutes. If that's the case, get an extra slip or petticoat to protect the hose and your legs
from the scratchy material.
If you choose traditional pantyhose, make sure the waistband doesn't create a visible line. Also check to see
that no seams down the center of the panty are showing through. Thigh highs and hose worn with garters
can be a very sexy look, as long as they don't show through the dress or through a slit in the skirt.
And buy yourself peace of mind by buying an extra pair of two of hosiery to take with you on your
wedding day in case of a run or snag.
Dear Miss Manners:
What on earth are "peptone high heels?" I have never heard the term.
Gentle Reader:
Some time ago, Miss Manners expressed equal amazement at being told about an item of jewelry called a
"love altar." Numerous Gentle Readers came forward to tell her that what was meant was something well
known to her as a lavaliere.
So in the spirit of deciphering garbled terms, she will now venture to guess that peptone high heels are
what used to be called open toed shoes but have lately been given the coyer designation "peep toe" shoes.
Choose High-Quality Shoes
You don't have to spend a fortune to buy well-made shoes that fit comfortably---you just need to know
what to look for.
Ensuring Fit
Ask a salesperson to measure both your feet, as right and left foot sizes often differ slightly.
Try on shoes with socks of appropriate thickness---bring nylons, dress socks or athletic socks, depending
on the type of shoe you're thinking of buying.
Press on the shoe to locate your longest toe. You should feel at most a thumb's width between your longest
toe and the end of the shoe.
Walk several paces with the shoes on and feel how they fit around your heels, insteps, balls and toes.
Make sure the shoe doesn't scrape against your anklebone.
Keep in mind that shoes should feel comfortable from the start; don't rely too much on "breaking them in"
over time, despite what the salesperson may say.
Ensuring Quality
Examine the sole to make sure it is firmly attached to the shoe. Keep in mind that some soles are cemented
to the upper shoe and others are stitched. Either type is acceptable, and some shoes ( mainly men's shoes
and athletic shoes) will be both cemented and stitched.
Check the heel. High-quality dress shoes have leather heels, sometimes with a layer of rubber or nylon on
the back edge of the heel. Heels on high-heeled shoes for women are usually made of plastic and covered
with leather. The higher the price, the higher quality the plastic.
Inspect the shoe's interior. Leather interiors absorb foot moisture best. Good-quality shoes are fully lined
from front to back.
Consider the shoe material. Shoes with an oiled, natural finish are durable, while patent--and polished
leather shoes resist dirt. Suede shoes stain easily and need to be sprayed with a protectant.
Examine buckles and any adornments on the shoe. They should be securely attached and reinforced with
even, smooth double stitching.
Tips
When deciding on shoe size, consider the shoe materials's ability to stretch. For example, calf-skin
stretches more than do manufactured materials.
Shop for shoes in the late afternoon rather than in the morning. Your feet may swell slightly over the
course of the day.
Determining where the shoe is made can help you assess quality: Italian materials, design and assembly,
for example, often indicate a shoe of high quality.
Warning
You should not find bits of glue anywhere on the shoe. This is especially true for athletic shoes.
Tip
If your gown has lace at hem or is made of a gossamer fabric, beware of shoes adorned with jewels and
rhinestones. They may look dazzling, but there's a chance the stones will snag on the inside of the gown
and tear it.
What's So Funny?
It was a beautiful wedding. The dresses, the candles, the flowers--especially the flowers. They were
wonderful. The candle glow and smell of roses heightened the intensity of the ceremony. "And do you,
Peggy, take this man...." the pastor began. Yes of course I do. He's sweet and gorgeous and...."I do, I said.
"And do you, Dickey, take this woman, Peggy...." Yes, of course he does. "Please kneel. Father, we ask
your special blessing on this husband and this wife," the pastor continued. Wait, is someone giggling?
"Bless their union...." Who is giggling? It's his mother! Why is she laughing? What does she know that I
don't?
"And all of us gathered here promise to offer support..." Now his mother's laughing out loud. And so is
everyone else. Wait! May I ask a question before we continue? "I now introduce Mr. and Mrs....," the
pastor concluded, although he seemed a little confused, too. They're still laughing. But the music swelled
and this man I was no longer sure of whisked me out of the church. "Wow!" I said with a catch in my
throat.
"They all seemed to enjoy the service." I turned to Dickey, fishing for an explanation. Dickey had a look of
suspicion on his face as he leaned against the wall. He lifted one shoe and then the other. "My little sister!
I'm going to get her!" he groaned, shaking his head. Then he showed me the bottom of his shoes. Written
in big red letters were the words "HELP ME!" Peggy Purser Freeman
Bright Idea
A pre-wedding slip prevention trick: Scuff up the bottom of your shoes with sandpaper or wear your
shoes outside (just be careful not to get them dirty). Have your fiance do this, too, if he's also got new
shoes. Duct tape also works, but looks rather unattractive should guests get a glimpse of the bottom of
shoes (they probably will).
Wedding Gloves and Jewelry
Gloves are optional depending on the degree of formality and the style of your wedding gown. These are
the types of gloves available:
Long Gloves: These should be worn in a formal wedding when the sleeves on your dress are short.
Short Gloves: These should be worn with a less formal gown or a three-quarter length sleeve.
Make sure the glove is open for the ring finger. Your engagement ring can be worn under the glove on the
right hand and transferred after the ceremony.
If she chooses to wear short, loose gloves she merely pulls one glove off at the altar so that her ring can be
put on. But if she wears elbow-length or longer gloves, the underseam of the wedding finger of the glove
may be ripped open, and she need only to pull the tip off to have the ring put on. I find this unattractive,
and wasteful, and prefer that no gloves be worn at all.
If other jewelry is to be worn, it is best to keep it simple. You may want to wear a single pendant or strand
of pearls if the neckline is open. You may wear pearl or diamond earrings. These add a nice touch if your
ears show. Do not wear watches or heavy bracelets.
If you don’t have this type of jewelry, it can be your something borrowed, rather than something you
purchased.
Bright Idea
On your wedding day, put on your dress before putting on your accessories, to prevent fabric snags.
Gloves for Groom and Groomsmen
The groom at a formal wedding may decide to have his men wear gloves (gray for cutaways, white for
tailcoats). The men should remove the glove on the right hand, of course, when shaking hands, and both
gloves must be removed for eating and drinking. The groom and the best man would also remove their
right gloves at the point in the wedding service when the best man hands the groom the wedding ring to
place on the bride's finger.
The glove should be tucked in a pocket when not in use. The groom can always hand his right glove to his
best man when he is placing the ring on the bride's finger. (Otherwise the right might be dropped in the
transfer).
Do your Homework!
Ordered shoes for my fiancée, when they sent confirmation almost 2 weeks later, it was wrong. Called
them up and it took almost 2 MONTHS! to get it corrected.
Talked to ***** and explained I was trying for almost 2 months to get my order changed to the correct
size. She told me I was out of luck because of the way the order went in.
I told her that there was some correspondence that I had with someone else. She said they had no record of
me calling or sending emails! What! They said I had to send them $10.00 to reship the shoes to the
CORRECT address that they also botched up, for shoes that were 1 ½ sizes too big on my fiancée's feet!
These people suck! All they are interested in is sacking your wallet and not giving a damn about their
customers. They are lucky I live in N.J….These *&%#@ should be sued! Charles Rutherford, New
Jersey
Shopping Online for Shoes
You might be able to find your dream shoes online. There are many great websites offering a wide
selection of styles, prices, and sizes. Internet retailers often have less restrictive return policies than bricks
and mortars shoe stores, and some even offer free return shipping.
Assuming there's a friendly return policy, order every pair you think might work---in more than one size if
necessary. Don't hesitate to contact the customer service department to get guidance on sizing. (Some
brides have been known to trace their feet onto paper and fax them over to customer service)! When you
receive the shoes, make sure to try them on with your gown before making a decision, even if it means
paying an extra visit to the bridal salon.
"It Worked for Me!"
"I bought a pair of dressy patent leather shoes for our wedding. They felt great when I wore them on a
carpeted floor. Still my fiancee, Meg, suggested I break them in a few days before the wedding, just in
case. I thought it was silly, but when I put them on and walked on a wood floor, I noticed that they
squeaked and the soles were very slippery. Luckily, I was able to take them to a shoemaker and have them
fixed---and avoid an embarrassing walk or fall down the aisle!" Darryl, 34 Massachusetts
Ring
The bride chooses and buys the groom’s wedding ring. This is something they should do together; he
should choose a wedding ring within her financial means that reflects his taste.
American Society of Appraisers
555 Herndon Parkway, Suite 125
Herndon, VA 20170
800-ASA-VALU
222.appraisers.org/asa
Appraisal www.local.com
As soon as your boyfriend slips the rock on your finger, you should get it insured. Don't worry; having an
engagement ring insured does not require a call to Lloyd's of London or anything like that. Instead, you can
add a rider to your homeowner's insurance to cover the value of the ring----especially if it's more than
$5,000.
How do you know how much your ring is worth? According to most insurance companies that issue
homeowner's insurance the receipt for the ring isn't enough, says Mark Bass a certified financial planner at
Pennington, Bass & Associates in Lubbock, Texas. "I would encourage you to get an appraisal from the
place where you purchased the ring," he says," and then get another appraisal from an independent jeweler.
This way, you'll have an estimated range of value".
The reason having an appraisal is so important is in case of loss.Your insurance company will reimburse
you only for the amount your ring is worth, which is not necessarily what your fiance paid for it."I'd rather
have an appraisal and a disagreement with my insurance company about how much the ring is worth," says
Bass," than not have any appraisal at all and not get any money for the lost ring."
Another time an appraisal is important is when the engagement ring is handed down, as so many are,
because there is probably no receipt. "When there's no receipt, you want an appraisal certifying the value of
the ring," says Bass. "Remember: an insurance company won't insure the sentimental value of the ring, but
it will insure the amount that is stated on the appraisal."
Do your Homework!
I recently found out my diamond engagement ring was a fake. I went to 3 jewelers to verify this.
****whom works as an appraiser in house for **** in *****, he appraises the fakes and gets away with it.
He must get a bonus for this at the end of the year. Don’t let this happen to you. He counts on you never
going to an independent appraiser to get it checked out.
If you did you would catch him in the act. I trusted this man and I am sorry today. If you try to talk to
****about it he just says you never came back to pay for the genuine diamond.
Make sure you ask for a certified grading report. Now I have no diamond and I am out $5,000.
Unfortunately I also had insurance on the ring and put a claim in with my insurance company, and they
told me that because the jeweler was deceptive and the loss occurred before the insurance was put on it, it
is not covered under the policy provisions. Buyer Beware!!! Susan Media, Pennsylvania
Finger Swelling
Women and men who live in warm climates or work with their hands may find that their fingers swell,
which can be a problem when trying on wedding rings. Gary Gordon, owner of Samuel Gordon
Jewelers in Oklahoma City, offers these ring buying tips.
If you normally experience finger swelling during your menstrual cycle, let your jeweler know so that he or
she can size your ring one six-teenth of a size bigger to accommodate for the regular swelling.
Hands can be a lot like feet and become more swollen at the end of the end of the day. If you find that your
fingers get puffy at day's end, try to go ring shopping in the morning when they will be less so.
If you or your fiance discover finger swelling after you've purchased and started wearing your rings, please
do not hesitate to return to your jeweler to have him or her resize your rings.
Jewelry
The traditional jewelry is classic and neutral colored, such as a pearl necklace or a pearl and diamond
lavaliere. Of course, wearing a piece of heirloom jewelry or jewelry with special meaning ( a gift from the
bridegroom, perhaps) is a loving gesture, even if it is composed of colored stones.
Mishaps & Disasters
While the photographer was taking a picture of our rings, we suddenly realized that my wedding band
didn’t match my engagement ring. What made it worse was that we moved out of state immediately after
the wedding, so I had to exchange it by mail.
Wedding Accessories to Shop For
Garters
What about a pretty lacy garter? This could be your something blue. There are some beautiful, hand
detailed garters available, so pretty you will hate to toss it away. Buy one to keep and one to toss.
Etiquette Tip
The groom removes the bride’s garter and tosses it over one shoulder to the bachelors at the reception; in
some regions, the bride may toss the garter. The man who captures it is destined to be the next one wed.
Hankies or Bibles
A nice touch of sentiment may be to carry an antique lace hanky or a family prayer book. This is something
old. It could be something your mother carried down the aisle.
Handkerchiefs
In years past, a bridal handkerchief was passed down through generations and often was made from a
family member's wedding gown. Actually, having a hankie at your disposal is a good idea. You can tuck it
into the sleeve of your gown, assuming you're wearing long sleeves. Or you can place the hankie in your
Bible, if you'll be carrying one during the service.
You can use a hankie to do the following:
Dab your eyes if you get emotional during the service
Wipe lipstick off your and your husband's cheeks if heavily lipsticked guests kiss you.
Wipe your brow if you get sweaty dancing at the reception.
Guest Book
Don’t forget, when shopping, to get a guest book- fun to look through in years to come. You may want to
gather the same friends for a reaffirmation or 25th wedding anniversary. There is a wide variety of styles
and colors in guest books. You may want to add your own touches of lace, or accent one with ribbon in
your wedding color. Some specialty shops personalize guest books by embroidering your monogram on the
front in your wedding color. If you’re handy, make your own. Pick a solid color fabric, have the
monogram, embroidered in a wedding color, placed in the center or at one corner, then trim with the same
color ribbon
No one will have a guest book like yours!
Q: What is the proper way to display a guest book for guests to sign at my wedding reception?
A: While it is not obligatory to have a guest book at the reception, as a memento of the occasion and a
record of all present it's a very nice touch. Place the book on a table near the reception entrance or at the
end of the receiving line.
Delegate a friend, a member of the family, or an attendant to stand by the book and remind each guest to
sign. Occasionally a guest book is placed instead at the entrance to the ceremony, and one of the ushers ask
guests to sign it before entering the sanctuary. This is done when there are more guests attending the
ceremony than the reception, such as the times an officiant extends to church members an open invitation
to the nupitals. If a member of the family or a close friend is supervising the guest book, be sure to present
him or her with a boutonniere, corsage, or nosegay to show your appreciation.
Mishaps & Disasters
We forgot to take the guest book to the reception.
Goblets
It’s nice to have special goblets or personalized toasting glasses. They are something you’ll have for years,
and maybe want to use on each anniversary to celebrate. There is a variety of styles and prices, from
expensive silver goblets to less expensive toasting glasses. You will surely find something you like within
your budget.
Ring Pillow
If you are having a ring bearer, you will want to find just the right pillow for him or her to carry. That
shouldn’t be a problem; they can be found at many bridal salons or specialty shops that make pillows, or
can be purchased through mail order companies. There are a number of styles, colors and shapes to choose
from: round, square, rectangular, or heart shaped, all equally beautiful. If you’re talented, you may want to
make your own and personalize it with your names or the date of the wedding.
Last Minute Wedding Disaster
As the procession was about to start in the back of the church, the bride noticed her athletic three year old
nephew ring bearer was without his pillow (which had her wedding ring sewn into it). It had been given to
him fifteen minutes before, and he had managed to lose it somewhere between the house, the car, and the
church.
The bride lost none of her composure. "Geoffrey will still walk up the aisle in his proper place without the
pillow," she said, noting his face was a thunderstorm about to break. "It doesn't matter, Geoffrey." Then
she commanded one of her bridesmaids to take off her own wedding ring at the altar and to give it at once
to the best man to use in the ceremony. The groom looked non plussed when he tried to get the ring on the
bride's finger and found it was too small to pass her knuckle. "It's okay," the bride whispered. "I'll tell you
later." Afterward, at the reception, she asked her nephew what he thought had happened to the ring pillow.
His older sister, aged eight, answered for him. "Oh, he threw it out the window of the car." It was the only
hitch in an otherwise perfect wedding, and as the jeweler later made a new engraved wedding ring for the
bride----gratis.
The Final Touches
Here are some added final touches to consider:
A small matching clutch bag for the reception
A shawl in warmer climates for cool evenings
A warm wrap, either velvet or fake-fur for the winter climates
Headpieces
Selecting the Right Headpiece
The headpiece is the finishing touch to your bridal ensemble. You will want to choose the perfect piece to
flatter your face and your wedding gown.
Choose a headpiece to compliment your gown. Your headpiece should match your dress in color, and
coordinate in style and decoration. An elaborately detailed gown calls for a more ornate headpiece, while a
simpler or less formal dress calls for a less elaborate headpiece. Your veil length should coordinate with
the length of your gown; the shorter the dress, the shorter the veil. Wear a chapel or cathedral length veil
with a train, a ballet or fingertip with an ankle-length dress, and a blusher with a short dress.
Find a headpiece that will flatter your face. Try various styles until you find the perfect look. If your face is
round and full, you need to add height with a tiara, pill box or a pouf added to the back of a headpiece.
When your face is long and narrow, you need to add width; consider a wide-brimmed hat.
Consider your hairstyle when selecting your headpiece. The length and style of your hair will have some
effect on the type of headpiece that looks best. If your hair is long and full consider wearing it back or up
and away from your face.
Make sure the headpiece fits properly. You don’t want a headpiece that’s too tight and will be
uncomfortable. Then again, you don’t want one that’s too loose. Try the headpiece on, wear it for a while,
turn your hear, bend over, and practice walking. Make sure you can move easily, that it feels comfortable
and doesn’t feel like it might slip off at any moment.
Wearing the headpiece at the reception. If you’re planning to wear your headpiece to the reception,
consider having the salon make the veil removable, with snaps or Velcro, to provide easier movement. Or
change to a smaller headpiece, such as a bow, banana clip, or comb decorated with fresh or fabric flowers,
pearls and ribbons. Make sure your hair style will work well with both headpieces, if you choose to wear
something different for the reception.
SJP's Silly Headdress
Don't worry: Hot Stuff won't reveal any Sex and the City spoilers here----just beware of the wedding
sequence in which Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) flips the bird. (That is, she pairs a Vivienne
Westwood gown with headpiece consisting of a feathered friend). "That was a vintage bird from the
1930s," Parker tells Us. "I walked into the wardrobe room during my first fitting, picked it up and said,
"What is this?" It was striking!" She says the day she and the costume designers paired the cloth bird with
her wedding dress, " we just all gagged and said, "That's the headpiece!" Then again, if anyone can make it
work, it's Carrie. says Parker, "Her outrageous fashion sense is what distinguishes her."
As a Rare Bird
The world's priciest hat isn't made of mink or money. It does entail 12 marquise diamonds, three extra long
pheasant feathers, and dozens of handmade metallic florets, all stitiched onto a rare platinum fabric by
couture milliner Louis Mariette. Influenced by the exotic birds of the Seychelles islands, the designer
created his "hat of love," valued at $2.7 million, for Harrods; it now makes an entrance at private parties
and commanded its own first-class airline seat.
Hats
I recently attended a wedding where the bride wore what looked like an English riding hat, which was
secured on her head at an awkward angle. Even though the hat itself was gorgeous, I found it distracting.
Whenever I looked at her, all I saw was hat. Also, because of the angle at which she wore the hat, I kept
waiting for it to fall off her head.
You don't want your guests to be like me and focus on one particular element of your ensemble---
especially if your choose to wear a hat or have your bridesmaids wear them. A hat should look natural, and
it should be comfortable. I can't imagine how many pins were holding that hat on that bride's head.
One way to make sure a hat looks natural is to have it complement your features. A full, round face is
never enhanced by a round looking hat. Anytime you repeat a shape, you emphasize it. Similarly, if you
have a long, narrow face, you'll want to avoid a narrow hat and go with one that has a fuller brim.
The same is true of your hat's proportion to your body, a hat should fit your figure as well as your face. If
you have bigger hips, a wide brimmed hat will help balance you out better than a small brimmed hat or a
pillbox. Likewise, just as a petite bride would get lost under a huge veil, she would do the same under a
large hat. However, a larger woman can more easily wear a larger hat and have it look natural on her.
Etiquette Tip
Hats, Checking Coats and Parcels
Where coat checkrooms exist, men are always expected to check their coats and any accessories. Women
generally check their coats as well, although they may keep them if they tend to get chilled easily. Some
checkrooms do not accept fur coats because they don't want to be responsible for them. In this case, a
woman would wear her coat until she is seated and then throw the shoulders of the coat back over her
chair. A man never wears a hat indoors. A woman may keep her hat on in a restaurant. Unless a folder of
papers is required for discussion during the meal, it is best to check all parcels, umbrellas, etc., since there
is nowhere to put them conveniently at the table. A woman keeps her handbag in her lap or places it on the
floor at her feet, never on the table.
Long gone are the days when the well-dressed man always wore a felt fedora in cool months and a straw
boater in the summer, necessitating an entire page of "hat etiquette". More men today are bare headed than
are behatted, although the preponderance of baseball and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" hats today still
recommend a few words about hats. They should always be removed indoors unless religious custom
dictates that they be kept in place. Indoors means out of the elements, whether a house, a store, or an
elevator, unless the elevator is crowded. If this is the case, it is better for a man to leave his hat on, since
the amount of elbow room required for him to remove it and the resultant problem of where to hold it so it
does not get squashed is just too cumbersome. These same suggestions apply to young boys and include
school buildings and, most particularly, classrooms within schools. However, small boys in fast food
restaurants may keep their hats on. As there is no place to put hats they would soon be lost if left on a chair
or booth. As a rule, hats of any sort on men and boys are outdoor, not indoor apparel.
Women don't wear hats with evening clothes. Women who wear daytime hats may keep them on outdoors
or in, except in places like theatres and auditoriums where the hat blocks the view of those seated behind
them. In these situations, it is thoughtful to remove one's hat and check it or hold it for the duration of the
event or performance.
After ringing my aunt's doorbell, I was surprised when she greeted me wearing a hat. "Are you just
going out?" I asked. "No dear," she replied."I always put my hat on when someone comes to the door.
Then, if it's someone I don't want to see, I can say I'm just popping out". Lucy Grace
"It Worked for Me!"
"My hair is really short and baby-fine, and no matter what headpiece I tried on, I looked silly in it. So my
hairstylist came up with a lovely idea. We used small rhinestone clips at the sides of my head and attached
a piece of lace as a veil to just skim my neck. It looked so pretty and I didn't feel uncomfortable."
Gabrielle
Nuptial News
According to Bride's Magazine, the average cost for a bride's headpiece or veil is $144.
Don’t Veil the Truth
You have the following choices in veil lengths
Fingertip veil. Just brushes the shoulders and frames the face.
Elbow-length veil. Brushes the elbows
Chapel-length veil. Measures three yards long (nine feet)
Cathedral-length veil. Measures four yards long (12 feet)
Blusher veil. Short veil worn over the face that often falls below the neckline.
Mantilla Scarflike veil. Drapes over the head and shoulders.
Sweep veil. Veil that sweeps the ground.
Pouf. Rises up from the bride's head at least six inches and is usually worn with a longer veil in back.
Fly-Away. Shoulder length veil.
Ballet/Waltz. Extends to knee length.
Royal. A veil three or more feet long from the waist, matching the length of a cathedral train.
Birdcage. Stiff, wide-mesh veil pinned to the crown of the head, covering the face and ears to just below
the chin.
You don’t have to wear a veil at all. It depends on the formality of the wedding and your personal
preference. Some brides opt for flowers in their hair or decorative hair ornaments. Others wear a veil for
the ceremony and then remove the veiling for the reception, leaving the headpiece on.
The face veil is rather old-fashioned and is usually omitted, although it may be required in some churches.
The long lace veil falling down the back from a mantilla or the veil of tulle reaching to the waist at the
back is far more popular.
If the bride does choose to wear a veil over her face coming up the aisle and during the ceremony, it is
always a short, separate piece about a yard square. Mounted on a foundation, it need merely be put on a
bride's head in front of her headdress. It is taken off by the maid of honor when she gives the bride's
bouquet back to the bride at the conclusion of the ceremony, or if it will not destroy the headdress, it may
simply be thrown back over the head.
Heirloom veils of lace are very beautiful, but they limit the bride's choice of gown. They are no longer
white, and the dress must be of ivory or ecru to match. If ivory is becoming to the bride and she is happy
with the color, that is fine, but she should never be made to feel that she had to wear her grandmother's
veil, if it means she cannot have the white marquisette gown she had always dreamed of.
Bright Idea
You may want to remove your veil after the ceremony, especially if it's particularly full around your face.
You won't have to worry about swatting it away during your reception, and you won't have a bunch of
pictures of yourself out on the dance floor, drinking champagne, or hugging your guests with fabric
covering your face.
Do your Homework!
In January of 2004, I came across ****and found the exact veil that I wanted for my wedding. I searched
the Internet to see if I could get the same thing cheaper anywhere else and found that I could not. I then
proceeded to order my veil and paid via pay pal. The site said that my veil would arrive within 6-8 weeks.
The beginning of March came and I became concerned. I emailed ****, and received an email back saying
that the item had been shipped and they would be willing to send me either a refund or replacement. They
seemed very cooperative, so I emailed back and told them that since my wedding was not for another year I
would take a replacement. This email was never responded to, I assumed they received it and were working
on completing my order.
Another month and a half passed and I emailed them again for the status of my order. This was not
responded to. I kept emailing them every month and a half or so and still received no response from this
so-called company.
Unfortunately, by this time, I realized that my product was not going to be delivered, and I was unable to
dispute the cost through either pay pal or the credit card company.
I have attempted to track down a physical location for this company and have been unsuccessful in finding
either a physical address or a telephone number. MichelleCleveland, Ohio
Best Heirloom
When Weasie Gaines, 37, of LaGrange, Kentucky, married true love Nick Russ last September, she
couldn't have cared less about the wedding dress, she says. "But the veil--oh, I love this veil!" The meshbacked,
nine foot long lace adornment, set aloft by a gust of wind here, has been in her family for about
200 years and was worn by her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother: All her life, she says, "I've
dreamed of wearing this veil."
Mishaps & Disasters
My cousin’s wedding veil was accidentally set on fire by someone’s lighted cigarette. They put it out
quickly but her veil was ruined, and she was a bit shook up.
Bridal Trains
Trains are either sewn onto the dress or come detachable for ease of movement at the reception. Also,
many sewn-on trains can be "bustled" at the back for an attractive look and more mobility, postceremony.
Some of the most popular trains for floor-length dresses:
Sweep train. Train draping from the waistline to six inches on the floor.
Court train. Train that extends three feet from the waistline.
Chapel train. Train that extends five feet from the waistline.
Watteau train. Train that drapes from the shoulders.
Cathedral train. Train that extends three yards from the waistline; more often associated with formal
weddings.
Etiquette Fine Points
A Simulated Train
If the bride's gown has a long train, she will need a simulated train for the rehearsal. She can create one by
pinning a sheet or a length of fabric to her outfit so that she can practice walking with it. This also gives
her maid of honor an opportunity to practice keeping the train in place during the ceremony and the
recessional.
Mishaps & Disasters
No one checked to see if the bride’s train was completely in the car. It dragged along the ground the entire
five mile ride to the church, and was ruined before the day even started.
The bride tripped on her wedding train.
Something Old, Something New
Whether you choose to dress at home or at the wedding facility, be sure to include in the bag of tricks
you’re taking with you the items in the verse: “Something old, something new, something borrowed,
something blue, and a lucky penny in your shoe.”
“Something old” is used to show a sense of continuity. You can use a family heirloom or carry the family
Bible or Prayer Book. I wore my grandmother’s onyx and diamond ring on my wedding day and carried a
handkerchief that belonged to my great grandmother.
“Something new” equates to hope for an optimistic future. Most brides consider their wedding gown to fit
the bill.
“Something borrowed” refers to the superstition that happiness wears off on others. So if you borrow
something from someone who is happy or from a happily married friend, you’ll have a happy future too.
For “something blue”, brides include a blue item of some kind to bolster the favorite old line, “Those who
dress in blue have lovers true”. Blue has long been considered the color of fidelity, purity, and love. Brides
in Israel wear blue ribbons to denote purity and fidelity. Blue also can be associated with the Virgin Mary.
Many brides choose to wear a blue garter.
In England, “a penny in your shoe” is a sixpence; in Canada, it’s a quarter. No matter what the coin, the
idea is to ensure a fortuitous married life.
Wedding Wisdom
"Some friends of ours got married recently, and we decided to give them a gift that took advantage of the
'old, new, borrowed, and blue' tradition. We made them four mixed tapes, each tapping into one of the four
traditions. The tape of old music included songs by Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. The tape of new
music was contemporary music. The tape of borrowed music included versions of songs in which
musicians sampled other people's music. And on the tape of blue music, the musicians were singing the
blues. These were great fun to make, and I know our friends are enjoying them quite a bit." Paige
Don't Buy It! Rent It!
Whether you want a jaw-dropping bag to seal a job interview or a sexy gown for a party, you can save big
by renting items online. And you won't just be cutting costs, you'll be buying peace of mind: Rentals let
you test a big-ticket purchase--like a sofa--before you buy. Here's how to find the best Web sites for
renting.
The site borrowedbling.com charges a monthly membership fee starting at $29.95, which lets you rent up
to two items at a time. bagborroworsteal.com stocks a range of baubles, including designer precious and
semiprecious pieces in sterling, gold, and white gold. Weekly jewelry rentals start at $8 for, say, Kenneth
Jay Lane triple-drop silver and crystal earrings ( plus the monthly membership fee of $5 to $9.95). Other
designers include Chanel, Gucci, and Vera Wang.
Snag a bag at the fashion-service Web site bagborroworsteal.com. Unlike some other rental sites, this
friend of a fashionistas lets you pay a $5 to $9.95 monthly membership fee. Then you're charged for
renting particular items at one of four increasingly expensive levels. Even on less-costly levels you can
find pretty great stuff, such as a sleek, coveted Kate Spade patent leather tote. Selling for $595 at
Nordstrom, it recently rented for $13 a week or $40 a month on bagborroworsteal.com.
Damage Control
Before renting online, be sure to read the site's damage and theft policies. onenightaffair.com, for
instance, adds a $5 damage waiver fee up front to cover normal wear and tear. ("That means dirt on the
hem or a little cake spillage," says site owner Jeff Gates, " not sending a gown back in two pieces"). If the
garment is lost or irreparable damaged, you'll have to pay the full retail price minus rental fee. So consider
the insurance some sites offer. For example, for 10 percent more than your rental fee,
fashionfurniture.com covers food and beverage stains (but not pet damage or bedbugs).
Dear Annie:
Over the weekend, my family had a "friendly" discussion about the proper etiquette for accessing items
that are generally personal.
What is OK when it comes to checking a person's Caller ID log, looking inside someone's purse, going
through pictures on a digital camera or cell phone, etc.? Arguments ranged from snoopy, boorish,
disrespectful behavior to no big deal. What is acceptable? Boston Investigator
Dear Boston:
Looking inside someone's purse, wallet or tote bag is strictly off-limits. Checking their Caller ID log is
rude, but people will do it because it's visible to anyone who walks by (very slowly, of course). And while
many people don't mind, no one should assume it's OK to view pictures on a digital camera or cell phone
unless invited to do so. But again, if these items are left out in the open and unattended, you can be sure
some busybody will take the opportunity to be nosy. Cell phones and PDAs, in particular, contain personal
information that should not be accessed by others. If you want such items to remain private, keep them
where they are not easily perused.
Dear Annie:
I've been married to "Beth" for 18 months. We have our ups and downs, but it's a solid marriage.
Beth is close friends with "Chuck", a man she dated back in high school. He's a good guy whom I trust and
respect, but sometimes I'm a bit uncomfortable with their friendship and how close they are.
To make matters worse, about a week ago I came across Beth's cell phone and the text inbox was open. I
noticed a few notes from Chuck, saying he would do anything for her. He addressed her as "Babe". I
wanted to be sure I wasn't misreading the context of these messages, so I delved deeper. Her messages to
him had had the same tone. In one, she texted about being naked in the bathtub, and in another, she
mentioned a sex dream she had about him.
When I questioned Beth, she shrugged it off and said nothing was going on between them. I do trust them
both, but I feel these messages are inappropriate and neither one should be flirting this way, am I way off
base? Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt:
Beth lost our sympathy when she sent text messages about having sex dreams and being naked in the tub.
This type of flirting isn't harmless because it deliberately gives the impression that she's interested in more
than friendship. She may not intend to cheat, but it is disrespectful to you and your marriage to make the
ex-boyfriend (or anyone else) think she is looking around. Tell her to knock it off.
Tip Talk Tested
No more dumping out your purse to find your keys. My new favorite item is the Purseket Purse
Organizer, a flexible fabric panel with six pockets that can hold your glasses, cell phone, lipstick, keys,
checkbook and more. When you change bags, just roll it up and place it inside the new purse--it adapts to
any space. In pink dot or black check. $19.95; containerstore.com
Location, Location, Location
Store owners aren't the only ones concerned with finding the perfect spot in which to situate their stuff.
Researchers in a wide variety of fields know that how you organize your environment---from where you
stand in fitness class to the place you choose to store your meds---has a surprising effect on everything
from your weight to your chances of staying well. In other words, when it comes to how you feel, it's not
just what you do, it's where you do it. Here, surprisingly bad locales for your health--and the best places to.
The Worst Place to Set your Handbag>> THE KITCHEN COUNTER
Your fancy handbag is a major tote for microbes: Gerba and his team's swabs showed up to 10,000 bacteria
per square inch on purse bottoms--and a third of the bags tested positive for fecal bacteria! A woman's
carryall gets parked in some nasty spots: on the floor of the bus, beneath the restaurant table--even on the
floor of a public bathroom. Put your bag in a drawer or on a chair, Gerba says--anywhere except where
food is prepared or eaten.
The Worst Place for Your Sneakers and Flip-Flops >>IN THE BEDROOM CLOSET
Walking through your house in shoes that you wear outside is a great way to track in allergens and
contaminants. A 1999 study found that lawn chemicals were tracked inside the house for a full week after
application, concentrated along the traffic route from the entryway. Shoes also carry in pollen and other
allergens. Reduce exposure by slipping off rough and tumble shoes by the door; store them in a basket or
under an entryway bench. If your pumps stay off the lawn, they can make the trip to the bedroom---
otherwise, carry them.
Underneath It All
What goes underneath your gown is just as important as all your other accessories. The type of bra and slip
you choose to wear with your gown should be well thought out. Most bridal shops carry these
undergarments. First, you want a bra that is comfortable and that gives you the support you need with your
particular gown. The slip helps give you the proper shape, whether your gown is a sheath or a southern
belle-style gown. If your gown is a slim sheath, you might decide not to wear a slip. Make sure, however,
that you cannot see panty lines through your gown-you should show smile lines, but not panty lines!
Super Shapewear (to fit your body and budget)
Bodice Beautiful
With its silky soft feel and spagetti straps, Fantastic Firmers Shaping Adjustable Cami (Assets, $20) is the
perfect choice for wearing under an evening dress or tank top. The flattering cut looked great on all our
volunteers.
Underwear as Outerwear
The Hide & Sleek Lace Trim V-Neck Cami (Spanx $46) is so pretty, our testers said they'd wear it with a
blazer for a smooth, slimmed shape and a fashion statement.
Top Bottoms
Whittling Winner: The Sensational Shaper (Assets $20) trimmed a full inch off our testers' waists and hips,
and its comfy fit got raves. Another plus: no "muffin top" of flesh at the waist.
The Fabulous Footless leggings (Assets $10 ) not only cinched the waist and hips nearly an inch, but rose
to just below the waist--lower than most pants' waistline.
The wet-suit like material of Shape Fx's Ultimate-Control Bike Shorts ($49) showed no seams under
skirts and didn't squeeze buttocks together to cause the "uni-butt"look.
Our friend's young daughter doesn't know Victoria's Secret from Pet Smart but does know a
winning formula when she sees it. Passing a lingerie store window that touted a big sale, she pointed
to the mannequins.
"Look," she shouted to her mother, "the sale worked. The store sold everything but the underwear.
Jeff E. Simpson
A Question for Peggy
Snappy Undergarments
Q:I am investing in a traditional wedding gown, white with beaded trim and lots of lace. It's occurred to
me that I could ruin the whole effect simply by wearing inappropriate undergarments that are out of
proportion with the dress. What do I need to be looking for?
A: Number one, you don't want to be uncomfortable on your wedding day. But that doesn't mean that you
should just plop on your favorite sports bra and panties and go. Many wedding dresses need to be
complemented with underwear of like proportions. You can find bras and bustiers made specifically for
wedding gowns at bridal shops. Make sure any new braissiere is comfortable by wearing it for a day or two
before the big day. Also, try out beforehand any other undergarments you don't normally wear, such as a
garter belt or corset.
Bra (Find the Perfect Fit) www.herroom.com
Use a measuring tape to measure around your bare rib cage, just beneath your naked breasts. Add either 4
or 5 inches to this number to bring it up to an even-numbered measurement. This number indicates the
band size most appropriate for your figure.
Measure the widest part of your bust, sliding the tape around the middle of your back. Hold the tape as
level as possible to ensure accuracy.
Note the difference between the two measurements. Use the following as a guide, and try on a range of
sizes above and below your measurement: If your bust measurement is up to 1/2 inch larger than your band
size, then your cup size is an AA. A measurement of 1/2 inch to 1 inch more than the band size indicates an
A cup, 1 to 2 inches indicates a B cup, 2 to 3 inches indicates a C cup, 3 to 4 inches indicates a D cup, and
4 to 5 inches indicates a DD or E cup.
Select a range of bras according to your band and cup size.
Try on a bra. Place your hands through the straps and bend over to allow your breast to fall into the cups.
The cups should contain your breasts--unless you're trying to demibra or an enhancing bra--and should
center your nipple in the fullest part.
Close the bra using the middle hook. Look for a band that fits snugly but doesn't cut into your rib cage. If
it's too tight, try adjusting the hook closure before proceeding to a larger size.
Adjust the straps so the band fits comfortably under the breasts and around the rib cage. If the bra seems to
slip forward, if you find yourself pulling up on the straps, or if it feels as if your breasts are falling out of
the bottom of the cups, the band size is too big.
Check the fabric or bridge between your breasts. This should lie flat on the breastbone. If it sticks up or
stabs your breastbone uncomfortably, try a larger cup size. If it puckers, try a smaller size.
Move up a cup size if your breasts bulge from the bra. Move down a size if you notice wrinkles in the cup
material.
Tips
Remember that all bras are not made equal. Experiment to find the brand or style that best suits your figure.
Wash bras by hand, or in the delicate cycle of a washing mashine in a mesh bag. Avoid shrinkage and
prolong life by hanging bras to air-dry instead of machine-drying them.
3 bras, 3 prices: Which is the best deal?
Gilligan & O'Malley padded demi, $11
Bra-vo! It has better cup molding than the Victoria's Secret bra; the underwire is flexible and well padded,
so it won't pinch or poke. This bra (sold at Target) also held up better after washing. All three panelists
found it comfortable, with a good fit.
Fit Frustrations
Problem: The wires in my bra are always digging in. How do I prevent this?
Solution: Try a wire free style or a different size and go to the oprah.com website to get tips on getting the
proper fit. Also, try different Playtex bras to get the one that right for you!
Problem: My bra straps keep falling off my shoulders, causing me to constantly adjust the straps. How can
I stop this?
Solution: If you have small shoulders of if your straps just tend to slide off your shoulders, tighten the
slide adjustment on your bra strap. Also, try a style that features nonslip straps or styles that have the
straps set closer together in the back---known as a "U" or "V" back. Check out Playtex styles with Stop
the Slip straps.
Problem: I had a bra fitting and was told that I am between an A cup and a B cup. The A cup is too small,
but the B cup is too large. Help!
Solution: Look for brands that feature half sizes or "nearly" sizes, like Playtex THANK GOODNESS IT
FITS or HALF SIZES TOO. These styles offer half cup sizes that are in between regular cup sizes to
provide you with the perfect fit.
Problem: My bra fits differently each time I wear it. What could be causing this and how do I fix it?
Solution: A gain or loss of 5 pounds will make your bra fit differently. Also, make sure that your bra has
not been put through the dryer. Finally, if you're wearing your bra on the last hook adjustment, it's time to
go shopping. Enjoy!
Money Saving Tips
Make your own bridal purse. It can be done easily with a draw string.
Make your own garter. Cover elastic with satin fabric and trim with lace.
Make or borrow a ring pillow.
Borrow or rent a cake knife and serving set.
Borrow toasting glasses or purchase them through the mail.
Borrow a cake top or decorate with fresh flowers.
Bridal Purses
The only bag that you could conceive of carrying on your wedding day is a gift sack. That would be
appropriate at your reception only, and then only if you come from a family or an ethnic background in
which that is acceptable. Otherwise you have no need for a purse. If you will need a makeup touchup, you
can ask one of your bridesmaids to hold your lipstick, compact powder, and such. That's one of the ways
attendants are there to help you.
Etiquette Checklist
Buy all lingerie before the first fitting.
Choose the right petticoat.
Make sure your petticoat is short enough.
Have your bra fitted professionally.
Buy an extra set of hosiery for yourself and for each bridesmaid.
Shop for shoes late in the day.
The Pregnant Bride
A bride who is in her early preganancy can wear a simple, loose fitting, long white dress that does not
shout her happy, blessed state to the guests at her wedding. A bride who is nine months pregnant but
nevertheless marries in a large ceremony, dressed in a long dress with a train, looks---in the opinion of
many----ludicrous. It is in better taste for this bride to wear a long white maternity dress with a short veil,
but without the fuss of a full-length veil and cathedral train. Restraint and good taste are important in any
religious service.
No Way!
The bridal bump
We're not suggesting that you need to be a virgin to wear white at your wedding, but a white maternity
gown takes the chastity speculation out of the equation altogether. Sister stores Motherhood Maternity, A
Pea in a Pod, and Mimi Maternity are now offering wedding dresses for their shoppers who are "marrying
and carrying". Shotgun sold separately.
Attire-Bride
Bridal Gown
Ask the Expert
Q:What’s the average price of a wedding gown and veil?
A:The average price of a gown is about $800 and $100 for a veil. That said, designer gowns can cost
anywhere from $2,000 to $10,000, while discount labels sell wedding gowns for under $500.
Q: I’m a size 18, and I’m worried about finding a flattering wedding gown. I saw one gown that I fell in
love with, but the designer doesn’t make dresses in my size. Am I doomed?
A: No, not at all! While it’s true that not all designers make plus-size gowns, more of them are now
creating gorgeous fashions for those of us who aren’t a size 4.
If you still can’t find the right gown, consider having a seamstress make one you love in your size.
Wedding Dress
One of the bride’s most enjoyable tasks and major preoccupations is to choose the clothes she’ll wear for
her wedding. If she has the money, she also may choose a trousseau, but many brides today, especially
those who work, need only fill in with a couple of outfits for their new life.
Getting Started: How Far in Advance?
Most brides are surprised when they learn how far in advance they must place an order for their gown. In
general, most bridal gowns are not bought off the rack. You try on sample dresses and then “ special order”
the gown in your size. It’s the special order nature of bridal apparel that takes so long the average dress
takes ten to 14 weeks to arrive ( yes, that’s three months). And ordering is just the beginning. When you
add in time for shopping, alterations and other necessities, you quickly realize it’s best to order your dress
five to nine months before the wedding.
Shopping
Ordering
Alterations
Portrait
Safety Zone for Mistakes
Thinking Ahead
You should order your gown at least six months before the wedding. It doesn’t take six months for your
gown to arrive at the shop, but with delays in shipping, manufacturing problems, and alterations, it’s best
to be on the safe side. If you don’t have six months’ lead time, make sure you mention that to the shop.
Several bridal gown companies specialize in short order times.
By Appointment Only
Make sure you check with the bridal shops to see if you need to make an appointment before you visit.
This
makes you appear more serious about buying, and if they know you’re coming, they can give you the time
and attention you deserve. If the shop doesn’t accept appointments, ask for the best time to shop.
Saturdays, for example, are often very busy days for bridal shops; try to shop on another day of the week.
Etiquette Tips: What to wear and bring when shopping for your gown.
A strapless bra or bustier
White control top panty hose
White slip (a petticoat should be bought with the dress or have one made ).
Shoes the same heel height you will be wearing on your wedding day.
The hairstyle you plan to wear on your wedding day.
Watch Out!
Check for the name of the manufacturer on your dress tag to ensure that you are getting a quality garment.
If the salon you go to tears the tags out of its dresses (this is illegal, but it happens), ask your salesperson
for the name of the manufacturer. If she refuses to tell you, you may want to buy your dress elsewhere.
Signs of Quality
Before making a decision based purely on the look of a gown, you should also evaluate its quality. Use the
following checklist to determine if a particular dress is well made.
Seams are neat and even and lie flat.
Embellishments are sewn on, not glued. Beads, sequins, and pearls are sewn on individually, not in strands.
Crystals are clear all the way through. (Rhinestones have a dark backing and can appear black in photos.)
The dress is properly lined, so that a scratchy crinoline isn't touching bare skin.
Zippers are hidden and glide smoothly.
The inside of the dress looks completely finished, with no raw seams.
Fabric is matte or lustrous, but not shiny.
With a structured gown, the corset should be built in and boned; if it's strapless, the boning should run the
length of the bodice.
A ballgown hem should be lined with horsehair so it appears to be rolled under instead of stitched---this
gives body and structure to the skirt.
Buttons are operable, not just sewn on top of a zipper. Buttonholes are cleanly finished; at the high end,
they're hand bound to create a frame around the opening.
The dress feels great when you put it on.
Your wedding dress will depend upon the degree of formality and the time of day.
For a formal wedding, the bride wears a long and often elaborate dress with a traditional veil and
headpiece. Her dress usually has a train.
At a semiformal wedding, the bride wears a long dress, although it may be less elaborate (and less
expensive) than the dress for a formal wedding. It usually does not have a train, but it may. She wears a
veil if she chooses to do so.
At an informal wedding the bride wears a pretty dress or suit in a shade of white or a color that flatters
her.
Depending upon the bride’s coloring, her “white” dress may be white, off-white, ivory, or a very pale
pastel. The material varies with the season, but may be satin, taffeta, moiré, velvet (winter only), or (in
summer) organza, batiste, pique, or cotton. Year-round fabrics include silk, peau de soie, lace, and chiffon.
For many years, it was considered scandalous for a second (or third) time bride to wear a white dress, let
alone a white wedding dress. Today’s brides, being the independent women that they are, usually please
themselves, and more than a few walk down the aisle a second time in a traditional white wedding dress
and veil. If you want to do this, particularly if you did not have the dress of your dreams at your first
wedding or if you groom wants to see you in a traditional wedding dress and veil, then I think you may do
so even though you have been married before.
As far as I am concerned, women were denied the right to celebrate a second wedding only as punishment
for having been divorced, and these are just the kind of pointless etiquette rules I would like to see ignored.
After all, no one is hurt if a woman opts to wear a white wedding dress when she has been married before,
and besides, more than a small element of hypocrisy exists in many first-time brides wearing the traditional
white dress that represents virginal purity. I think every bride, no matter how many times she has been
married, should wear the dress of her dreams.
For the remarrying bride who does want to go the traditional route, try to choose a white, off-white, or
pastel dress and a hat that is becoming but not overtly bridish.
Older brides, women who reach forty or so and have never been married, and women who have been
widowed, do usually forego the traditional wedding dress and veil simply because it is a costume most
suited to younger women. Even so, this is not a hard and fast rule, and the bride has great leeway today in
choosing what she will wear on her wedding day.
Choosing the Best Style for You
Once you’ve determined the price and formality of the gown, you will want to find one to flatter your
figure. Don’t worry! There will be a perfect dress for your figure
If you’re Short (less than five feet four inches). A high neckline with an empire waist, a short sleeved or
sleeveless dress, with long gloves, will make you look taller. The veil should not be longer than floor or
chapel length.
If you’re Tall (over five feet nine inches). A drop waist with a wide belt and trim or ruffles that wraps
around the dress will take away the all legs look. Off the shoulder, low necklines with billowy sleeves are
also good. Hats or dramatic veiling are striking and will not over power you..
If You’re Average Height and Weight (five to five eight). You’re lucky and can get away with almost
anything you’d like. You may want to select something which makes you look either shorter or taller
depending on the groom’s height.
If you’re Slender. You’re the one everyone envies. You can add a few pounds by selecting a heavier
fabric such as velvet, satin or moiré. Choose a blousier bodice with a gathered waist and narrow sleeves.
If you’re Heavy. You will want to aim for a slimmer effect with a high waistline or an A-line dress with
vertical lines. Stay away from lacy ruffles, clingy fabrics and puffed sleeves.
If you’re Large Busted. A V-shape or high neckline with a keyhole yoke is usually most flattering. Avoid
empire or cinched waists, they accentuate larger breasts.
If You Have Wide Hips. This common problem can be disguised with a flared skirt or A-line dress. The
wide bottom may be balanced by a broad collar, puffed sleeves or a hat.
Ask the Experts
Q:I just picked up my wedding gown, and after I tried it on, I found I really don’t like it after all. What can
I do?
A:In most cases, once you’ve ordered a wedding gown, you’re stuck. That’s because most wedding gowns
are sold as special orders only. In other words, the shop orders a particular dress in your exact size from the
gown manufacturer. While every store is different, you can expect to pay a deposit of one-third or one-half,
or even the entire amount of the dress.
If you refuse the dress, then you lose your deposit. Try talking with the store manager. She may be willing
to restock the dress and allow you to select something else. (Of course, if the dress is damaged or the
wrong size or color, the fault lies with the store.)
Pitfall!
"I ordered a gown from a bridal shop four months ago and was notified yesterday that the shop forgot to
place my order! I could not believe it! Now they will not give me my refund, instead suggesting I buy a
gown out of their stock. What should I do?"
Contact your attorney. When a shop fails to place an order, they are breaking a valid contract and should
give you a refund. A pitch to buy a sample gown is terrible. Unfortunately, we have heard of several cases
in which bridal shops just forgot to place the order. They simply shrug their shoulders and say, “we’re
sorry”.
Protect yourself by dealing with a reputable shop. When you place an order, get a promised delivery date.
A few weeks after the purchase, call the bridal shop to confirm the shipping date (they receive this from the
manufacturer). The more communication you have with your shop the more likely you will get your gown.
Tips to Avoid Wedding Rip-offs
Order your gown from a reputable salon, one you know will be there, and have your gown for your
wedding date.
Have the style number, dress size and color ordered written on the receipt, along with the deposit amount
and promised delivery date.
Order your gown in plenty of time, to allow any possible mistakes to be rectified before that all important
day.
A couple of weeks after the gown is ordered, call to verify that the order has been placed with the
manufacturer, and confirm a delivery date.
Stay in touch with the salon periodically. Some salons have been known to close their doors after taking
deposits from brides. They may not have ordered the dress or did not make any arrangements for the bride
to take delivery of her gown. You don’t need a last minute surprise like that!
To find a reputable salon get recommendations from friends or names from bridal magazines.
Be careful of hotel sales: Never pay the full price for a gown unless you are leaving with it in hand.
With discontinued or sample sale gowns, check them carefully for irreparable damage or stains.
When ordering a gown, be sure you are measured properly with a cloth tape, and then ask to see the
manufacturer’s size charts and order the size according to your largest measurement. This will help
minimize costly, unnecessary alterations.
Remember it’s better to order the dress a little larger than too small. And don’t order a dress two sizes
smaller than you wear, based on the idea of losing 20 pounds. If you don’t lose it, you’re in real trouble.
Pay the smallest deposit you can, and put your deposit on a credit card. If you have a problem, you can
dispute the charges, and often have the disputed charges taken off your bill.
Make sure your contract or receipt includes a cancellation clause, stating the deposit will be refunded if the
gown ordered does not arrive in good condition by the desired date.
If the gown does not arrive on time as ordered, and your deposit was not refunded, consider taking the
salon to small claims court.
Report any fraudulent dealings to the Better Business Bureau, in hopes of preventing the same thing from
happening to another bride.
Be cautious when ordering your dress at a discount over the phone, or by mail. Some of the problems that
can arise are: not getting the style, color or size dress ordered; getting a knock off or cheaper version of the
dress you saw in the picture; running a greater chance of not getting your dress on time. Since you will be
dealing with these problems long distance, and you’ve already paid them all the money in advance, it is not
as easy to get problems resolved.
You will also have to make your own arrangements for alterations and pressing. Weigh the cost savings,
and the advantages and disadvantages of ordering from a discounter with whom you have no relationship,
versus a full service salon which will handle any problems at their expense. Don’t forget about shipping
charges and long distance calls. The charges can add up, especially if there should be a problem.
The Green Wedding Gown www.thegreenbrideguide.com www.greenweddings.net
The choices you make in clothes for this day may not seem to have much of an impact on the environment.
Actually, they do. The manufacturer of clothing is a many-level process. You can choose beautiful clothes
in a way that will not contribute to air pollution, water pollution or soil degradation, or will reduce those
effects significantly.
If the traditional, full-length wedding gown is something you cannot do without, there are greener
alternatives.
Borrow or rent a gown.
The heirloom wedding gown. If it is a delicate vintage cotton fabric, see if the cleaners can simply launder
and press it gently.
Purchase a secondhand gown from a consignment shot, antique shop, or thrift shop.
Have a gown made with washable fabric, or make it yourself, if you or a family member are accomplished
at sewing.
Instead of a wear it only once veil, consider wearing your hair “up”, with flowers or a hat you will wear
again.
Purchase a dress that can be worn again, and made of fabric that can be laundered at home.
Purchase a secondhand outfit that you can wear again that might not otherwise be considered for a
wedding.
Make (or have made) a wear again dress.
Borrowing a Dress
Often a friend or a relative is delighted to lend her wedding dress, particularly to someone she knows will
take good care of it. There is no reason not to accept an offer of a loaned gown, as long as you indeed take
extraordinarily good care of it and return it freshly cleaned and in perfect condition. If you do borrow a
gown, you should show your appreciation with the loveliest gift you can give---preferably something for
your friend's home, or a personal gift for her.
Don't rule out your mother's decades old wedding dress just because it's not quite your style. Provided
your mother gives the okay, you can have it altered for substantially less than a new gown of that quality
would cost. For example, Maureen took her mother's gown to a seamstress who changed the long sleeves
to short for her July wedding, and softened the pointed darts that were in fashion in the fifties (when her
mother was married). Some brides even borrow a gown from a sibling or friend, especially those with
limited time to plan.
Renting a Dress Gown Rentals 800-995-2338 or 816-761-8686
Many areas now have bridal and evening rental stores where a bride may rent her dress, just as the groom
and ushers rent their costumes. If the dress is fresh, becoming and in perfect condition, this can be a
practical and satisfactory alternative to buying an expensive, one-time dress.
Rent and Return: If you're short on time or can't afford the designer dress you love, you may want to rent
a dress. A dress by a top designer that retails for several thousand dollars might cost you only a few
hundred, and won't have to pay any hefty cleaning and storing fees afterward. Most gowns rent for less
than $800, and some go for as little as $200. If you're wondering about fit, rented dresses can be altered.
Money Saving Tips
There may be some beautiful gowns packed away in your family’s attics. Ask your mother, aunts,
grandmothers, sisters, and cousins for suggestions.
Buy a gown off the rack in a department store. Especially if you are planning to wear a tea length dress,
and are not particularly attached to wearing white.
Buy a second hand dress through a resale shop or newspaper advertisement. Think of all the beautiful
gowns that were only worn once! National Association of Resale and Thrift Shops http://www.narts.org
800-544-0751
Rent a gown. Check local outlets for details.
Buy the sample gown in the shop, the ones used to show different styles.
Ask about discounted lines. Fashion and fabrics change each year, and many are sold at a great discount at
the end of the season. A manufacturer will sometimes stop producing a beautiful dress because it’s no
longer profitable to make.
Some shops mark down their entire lines after the season. Make sure the fabric is suitable for the time of
year you are marrying.
Do not order the gown before you have a date set for the wedding. If you order a summer gown and your
wedding, it turns out, will have to be held in the winter, you will lose money when you have to cancel your
gown and reorder another.
Never order a dress you have not seen. You could get stuck with something that doesn’t match a sketch or
description. In addition, you might not get your money back. (Some catalog gowns do have clear return
policies).
Custom
The custom of having attendants began when men captured their brides. The groom would enlist the aid of
his friends to help with the abduction. The bride was surrounded by maids to protect and comfort her. The
best man would serve as a decoy, to distract the bride’s protectors while the groom and his other friends
swooped in. After the kidnapping, the best man served as negotiator to re-establish relations between the
families.
Watch Out!
Whomever you choose to be in your wedding party, make sure that it's a decision you feel comfortable
with---not one forced on you by others. But do try to be diplomatic----ill will that develops during wedding
planning may last well into the future.
Restrictions on Attendants
You may be limited in the number of attendants you choose not because of family alliances but because of
restrictions your ceremony site puts on you. "That's why you should do your site selection before choosing
your bridal party," says Joyce Scardina Becker, owner of Events of Distinction, a San Francisco company
that specializes in corporate events and meetings, private parties, and weddings.
Wedding Wisdom
"We each chose one attendant and involved other friends in other ways (as greeters, candlelighters,
readers, and so forth). This allowed us to cut costs on flowers for attendants and attendant wear---and made
the planning infinitely easier---while including all our friends in our wedding." Nancy
Choosing Attendants
The number and kind of wedding attendants you choose will depend on how large and formal your
wedding is going to be, and how many siblings and friends you wish to honor. The larger the wedding,
the greater the need for ushers, and the greater the number of ushers, the more likely you are to choose
bridal attendants and pair off with them.
The bride generally chooses at least one sister and one sister of the groom, if there is one (the ones who are
closest to her in age or to whom she is personally close), to be in the wedding party. If the wedding is
very large, she may include more sisters and cousins. She then chooses the remainder of her attendants
from among her close confidantes.
The groom chooses his attendants in the same way, asking at least one brother with whom he is close and
one brother of the bride, if there is one. The rest of his honor attendants can be drawn from his pool of
friends.
An invitation to be in a wedding party is an honor, one that cannot easily be declined. Even someone in
mourning is expected to participate in a wedding, unless the death is so recent that attending so happy an
occasion is obviously out of the question. Because an invitation to be in a wedding party cannot be turned
down, a bride and groom should not ask anyone for whom the honor will pose any kind of hardship.
Wedding attendants are expected to pay their way to the wedding and to pay the bill for their clothes.
In the past, brides and grooms have tended to choose people their own age as attendants, and pregnant
women were excluded. Happily, these rules have broken down. If your best friend is twenty years older
than you or your sister is pregnant (provided she still wants to participate) there is no reason that she
cannot be in the wedding party. This is a personal decision for you and your prospective attendant to
make.
Among the possibilities for honor attendants in a wedding are the following: best man, maid/matron of
honor (or both, if the wedding is very large), bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer, and ushers.
Dear Annie:
My daughter has two cousins, "Carly" and "Joelle." She was always closer to Joelle, so when it came time
to plan her wedding, she opted to have her two best friends stand up for her instead of either cousin. She
didn't want to hurt Carly's feelings.
Three days before the wedding, one of the bridesmaids became very ill and could not attend. My daughter
was desperate to fill the role and asked Joelle, who was happy to oblige. With all the last minute chaos, it
totally slipped my mind to mention this to Carly's mother, who also happens to be my dearest friend.
Well, when Carly and her mother saw Joelle walk down the aisle, that was it. They made a fuss during the
dinner, Carly got drunk and cried, and then told the other guests what a monster my daughter was. Two
days later, her mother called me to say she wants nothing to do with any of us ever again.
It's been two years since we've spoken and I miss her terribly. She was like a sister to me. Were we wrong
to ask Joelle to be a bridesmaid? Carly's mother has moved to another city and my pride won't let me call
her. If I mean that much to her, why hasn't she tried to call me? What should I do? Heartbroken in
Montreal
Dear Montreal:
These petty arguments have a way of taking on a life of their own. Brides are entitled to select whomever
they wish as bridesmaids. Carly acted boorishly, Mom no doubt felt it necessary to take her daughter's side,
and everything escalatd from there. A gracious cousin would have let it go, and a sensible mother would
have stayed out of it. If you want her back in your life, you should make the first move. Call and say you're
sorry Carly's feelings were hurt, tell her you miss her, and ask if you can start over. We hope she's missed
you, too.
Ask Laskas
Q: My ex-husband and the woman he had an affair with are getting married. He has asked our 23 year old
daughter to stand up for the "other woman" during the ceremony. My daughter isn't even sure she'll be able
to sit through the ceremony, much less stand at the altar on the bride's side. Isn't his request inappropriate
under the circumstances? Bitter
A: Dear Bitter: It seems unreasonable to me. But then, I'm as immaerial to this discussion as you are. The
fact is, your daughter's struggles are between her and her dad. Your challenge as her mother is to
encourage her to talk all this over with her father, not you.
And then support your daughter no matter what she decides. Added difficulty: Be careful not to infect her
with your bitterness.
Reciprocal Trade
Aside from what we tell each other-the good news and the bad-and how we comfort one another, what else
are friends for? Charlotte once described it this way: You do for each other. You trade off. “Use” might
even be the operative word here. “Use” means to take advantage of something, somebody can tell give or
do for you. Like you use your Minox, your typewriter, your Cuisinart and don’t think you are “mistreating”
them, you use your friends. With your few best ones you extend unlimited credit-and you don’t keep track.
Reciprocity is the key. For your few closest friends you move your ass.
Ask the Experts
Q:My fiancé and I are about to announce our engagement to his family. I’m worried that his three sisters
will want to be in the wedding party, and I’m not sure that I want to include them. What should I say if
they ask?
A:The best solution is to agree beforehand not to discuss any actual wedding plans. Again, when asked
about specifics simply say, “We haven’t decided on anything yet. For now, we just want to share our good
news.”
Etiquette Question
Q:A friend has hinted around at being your maid of honor-yet you do not intend to ask her. How do you
break the news without ruining the friendship?
A:Share your feelings in a way that does not spark a major fight like “I just don’t feel close to you
anymore”
Tell her it’s a difficult decision and that you value her friendship. Thoughtfully explain why so and so is a
more logical candidate. Maybe she introduced you to your fiancé or helped you through a partically
difficult time.
Dear Miss Manners:
My granddaughter is being married and among her bridesmaids will be a lady who will be nine months
pregnant, walking along with the other bridesmaids. My opinion is that she would be out of place among
them. Would it be in good taste? I am eighty-three years old, and my children believe I’m old-fashioned?
Dear Gentle Reader:
Indeed, pregnancy was once considered to be in poor taste and signs of it best concealed. This was a
tremendous inconvenience to ladies who got pregnant anyway and is a fashion that Miss Manners is
delighted to see gone.
Presuming there is no question of physical difficulty for the lady in question; she should properly take her
place as a bridesmaid by virtue of being one of the bride’s friends. Her own family situation is irrelevant to
the occasion.
The Pregnant Bridesmaid
A very pregnant bridesmaid can't find a dress to fit, in the first place; in the second place, guests will be
distracted from the bride--wondering when the baby is due, whether it's a boy or a girl, if the baby is
kicking inside right now, and so forth. A good friend of the bride who will be very far along in her
pregnancy on the wedding date should, in my opinion, take it upon herself not to accept the bridesmaid
role. The bride in turn can include her friend in all of her wedding events, consider the friend a member of
the wedding party even if she doesn't march down the aisle with the others, and have her stand with the
bridal party in the group wedding picture. In this way, anyone looking at the picture will realize that the
"pregnant one" is an honorary attendant who would have been dressed as a member of the wedding party if
her blessed event had not been so imminent.
Bright Ideas
How do you accommodate the special dress needs of a pregnant bridesmaid? Some designers make
pregnancy dresses that coordinate with their other styles. Or choose a dress with an A-line or empire
silhouette. Or this might be a good time to go the "everyone just wear something black" route. Whatever
you do, have her hold off on her fitting for as long as possible.
A Question for Peggy
Making Difficult Choices
Q:I have several close friends and family members, but we have decided on a small wedding and can select
only a few attendants. That means we're leaving someone out. How do you suggest we tactfully explain
our choices to these dear friends?
A:It is perfectly fine to be direct in explaining to relatives or friends why you have chosen others to be in
your wedding party. Choosing siblings or even parents over friends needs no explanation; a choice among
friends might. You may have known the person you chose longer than the other friend, for example; say
so. Be forthcoming, but convey anything you say in a kind and loving manner. Explain your desire for a
smaller wedding. You can even flip a coin with friends and family in attendance to give everyone a fair
shake.
First Person Disaster Story www.bridesmaid101.com
I asked my college roommate to be my maid of honor. She went shopping with me for my dress, but she
wasn’t helpful because she liked them all. When we looked for her dress, she couldn’t decide on anything
so I had to choose for her. Finally, after dropping hints about the bridal shower and seeing her puzzled
face, I got really mad. Then I realized she didn’t know what was expected of her, and I apologized. I got
some books about weddings, and we both read them. It felt like old times at school. She co hosted my
shower and did all these sweet things that made it special. At the wedding, she was the only one who knew
how to put us in the right order for the receiving line! Kerry H., Elkhart Indian
Q:My maid of honor has been acting moody lately and I think it’s because she’s envious that I’m getting
married and she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Should I sign her up for match.com?
A:Dealing with a moody friend is no picnic, especially when you’re floating around on cloud nine, but
give the girl a break. Your best move now is to have a nonconfrontational chat. Be kind but direct. Start off
with something like: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been in a funk recently. Do you want to talk about it?” It’s
possible that what she needs most right now is some reassurance that you’re still going to be in her life post
wedding. As for signing her up for match.com, better not. That’s something she’s got to do for herself.
You could, however, seat her next to your fiancé’s single cousin (who happens to be a dead ringer for
Patrick Dempsey) at the reception. That’s bound to be a major mood enhancer.
Q:I want to have just a maid of honor; he plans to ask six of his college buddies. I think the ceremony will
look unbalanced and strange. Am I right?
A:It’s perfectly fine to have an uneven bridal party, but a 6:1 male-female ratio is a bit extreme. The basic
formula of one usher for every 50 guests means that unless you’ve invited several hundred people, six
groomsmen will seem like overkill.
Consider this compromise: Ask him to choose his oldest friend as the best man, which will even things
out at the altar, then assign duties to the other five guys that don’t require them to stand by his side during
the ceremony. They can greet people at the door, unroll the aisle runner, or give a reading. Afterward, the
guys can act as party facilitators and encourage the crowd to shake their booties at the reception. His
friends can wear boutonnieres and tuxedos, as groomsmen do. Just make sure they can dance, lest you end
up with the world’s best dressed mosh pit.
Q:All the bridesmaids I picked are too busy to help with the wedding. Can I fire them and start over again?
A:In a word: no. Like you, I was simply shocked when I realized that my wedding wasn’t my friends’ sole
concern. There I was, working my manicured fingers to the bone, trying to pull together this colossal event,
while my buddies were caught up in their own jobs, home renovations, and (gasp) other weddings. It’s not
that they didn’t want to be there for me, but they had personal lives and priorities, too. Assuming that your
to do list is realistic, break it down into tasks and ask each girl if there’s a specific job she’ll be able to help
out with. You can do it over a drink one evening, nobody’s too busy for a margarita.
Dear Annie:
I am getting married in August. I asked my brother's wife, “ Marge” to stand up in the wedding, and now I
am regretting the decision. Marge is less than enthusiastic about the event, has made wise cracks about
being a bridesmaid, and does not feel she should have to pay for her gown. When I confront her, she back
pedals, swears she really wants to do this and reassures me that it’s all right. I don’t think so.
I’m becoming depressed over Marge’s attitude, and the thought of her participating makes me queasy. How
do I gently release her from this task without bringing down the wrath of my family? I want my wedding
party to include only those people who are truly happy for me. A Bride to Be in Alaska
Dear Alaska:
Have a heart to heart with Marge. Let her know, gently, that weddings are stressful and her attitude is
putting a damper on your plans. Ask if she can summon up a bit of happiness for you. Understand that if
you drop Marge from the wedding party, you will not be able to avoid hurt feelings.
But if you are determined not to have her walk down the aisle, tell her, “ I see that this is difficult for you,
so I’m releasing you from your obligation to be a bridesmaid. I would not want you to do anything that
makes you uncomfortable.
The Bridesmaid Asks: Does Appearance Count?
Q: I have been asked by my good friend to be one of her bridesmaids. Admittedly I am overweight, but my
mother thinks that unless I decide to lose some weight, I should decline.
A: It goes without saying that friends' looks are not the criterion for their selection for the wedding party.
A good friend's large size should play no part in any decision to ask her to be an attendant. The same is true
if a friend is pregnant, disabled, short, tall, or not a physical match with the rest of the wedding party.
Unless you personally feel uncomfortable taking on the role, you may accept with love and happiness.
Your friend has extended a warm welcome to you to be part of her celebration; that should do nothing but
make you feel comfortable, confident, and honored to be sharing her special day.
For brides who have friends or relatives decline because they aren't comfortable in the role of attendant, be
sensitive and understanding. As long as they know that being overweight or pregnant or whatever doesn't
make a difference to you, you must respect their decision to decline. If they think that accepting will make
them feel miserable, let them be.
Dear Miss Manners:
At the time of my wedding, my fiancée/wife unfortunately decided to enforce her standards of aesthetics
and insisted that one of my closest friends shave off a beard of dubious aesthetic value as a condition to be
an usher.
I was unsuccessful in dissuading her from this course and, on the theory that a wedding day is the bride’s
day, I reluctantly backed her against my better judgment. My friend understandably chose to withdraw
from the wedding party rather than be dictated to. I never was comfortable with the decision and regretted
that I could see no middle course. What should/could I have done to avoid the damage to my friendship
without alienating my bride?
A second instance involved a social gathering at which some fairly heated opinions were exchanged. My
wife took, to my mind, a somewhat outlandish opinion and, when she seemed unable to persuade others,
she turned to me for support-insisting on my unqualified support, although I did not agree with her. I tried
to soft- pedal the disagreement with innocuous attempts-“Well, that’s certainly an interesting viewpoint,”
or “You can certainly look at it that way,” but it was to no avail. During the ride home, I was roundly
criticized for my failure to rally unconditionally to her side.
I have to emphasize that my personal view was that her opinion was-ah-not in the mainstream of
conventional thought. How could I better have handled this dilemma between intellectual honesty and
personal commitment? I tried, I really did, but both situations blew up in my face despite my best efforts to
avoid this.
Gentle Reader:
Miss Manners seems to avoid these problems by stamping out that appalling belief, to which even you
subscribed out of kindness, that a wedding is “the bride’s day”, during which she is permitted to act as a
tyrant.
It is, as you have discovered, an extremely bad precedent. Miss Manners can hardly think of anyone for
whom consideration for the feelings of others is as crucial as someone who is getting married. It would be
nice if your gentle attempts to avoid making stands that displease your wife resulted in her appreciation for
your character and her desire to reciprocate. Unfortunately, such does not appear to have been the case.
Having been backed into dictating to your friend on a matter that concerns him alone-wedding attendants
are supposed to be chosen for their friendship, not their beauty, and this wasn’t even her wedding attendant
but yours-the lady now believes that she can dictate your opinions. Miss Manners is afraid that you will
have to disabuse her of this error if you are to have any hope of having a pleasant married life.
Marital loyalty is a wonderful thing, and Miss Manners does not wish to minimize the manifold
opportunities to practice it. But professing opinions of which you disapprove is not such an instance. This
is not just because it would violate your moral obligations to state your opinions honestly. Actually,
marriage sometimes requires doing just that-for example, saying, and “I thought you did great”or “You
look wonderful. But marriage, as it involves two people with separate brains, does not require professing a
unified intellectual stance (and hers, at that, with no consideration given to the possibility of its
occasionally being yours).
A Question for Peggy
When an Attendant Backs Out
Q: One of my attendants had to back out of my wedding because of her job. I'm getting married in less
than three weeks; should I try to find a replacement?
A: It used to be that an attendant could back out of a wedding commitment only in the event of ill health or
a death in the family. Today the press of careers is as urgent for women as it is for men, and a critical
business trip or other work-related issue can force either an usher or a bridesmaid to back out altogether. If
this happens early in your planning and before you have announced the names of all your attendants, you
may easily ask someone else. It is generally incorrect, however, to ask someone else to fill in at the last
minute, although there are exceptions, such as asking a close friend who would be honored to fill in.
Dear Deanna!
My best friend wants me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I want to decline because her future husband
is cheating. He's been seeing someone else the whole time he's dated my friend.
I don't want to tell her because it would break her heart but I don't want her to marry him either. Do I need
to go through with the wedding to make her happy or risk the friendship by telling her? Shannon
Dear Shannon:
You're a lousy friend because you should be able to tell your best friend anything. You would be guilty as
the future husband if you know he's cheating but won't tell it.
They're going before God with adultery on the plate and you can prevent this by being mature and doing
the right thing. Pray for strength and words of wisdom as you get the facts. Tell your friend about the
situation and you'll be able to sleep better at night.
Attendants Attire
The bride and groom choose the outfits of their wedding attendants. They should choose something suited
to the formality (or lack of it) of the occasion and to the looks of their attendants. In a very small wedding,
a bride may tell her one attendant simply to go buy a pretty dress of her choosing, but in weddings with
more than one attendant, the clothes are usually coordinated and selected by the bride. The bride should try
to select some style that is flattering to all her attendants. The attendants pay for their dresses and any
accessories, such as gloves, hats and shoes, so needless to say, the considerate bride keeps price in mind as
she shops, and if her parents can afford to do so, they may pay for the bridesmaids’ outfits.
The bridesmaids dress identically, except they may wear different shades of a color. The maid of honor
usually, but not always, is distinguished from the others by wearing a different color or different dress,
and/or carrying different flowers.
The dresses should compliment the bridal gown, that is, they should be of similar material and design. An
all-white wedding can be stunning, but it does detract, in the eyes of some, from the bride.
The bride should send color swatches to her bridesmaids as soon as possible so they can order shoes dyed
to match. She may suggest jewelry she would like her attendants to wear, and she may even give, as
bridesmaids’ presents, lockets or earrings that she wants them to wear on the wedding day.
Getting Started: How Far in Advance?
Most bridesmaids’ gowns take two to four months to special order. If you are getting married in popular
summer months, give yourself a little more time. In general, once you have selected the bridal gown,
begin the search for bridesmaids’ apparel. What if you don’t have four months? Most of the major
bridesmaids makers offer, “rush service” a limited selection of styles available in about six to eight weeks.
Pretty Maids All in a Row
Shopping for your bridesmaids’ dresses should be a pleasant experience. Let me offer these words or
wisdom to help guide you:
Shop only with your maid of honor and your mother or another close friend.
Take into account the physical sizes of your maids so that the style you pick works for all of the girls.
Try to choose something the girls can wear another time. Manufacturers are making this task easier on
brides these days by offering dresses that have separate tops and skirts and a variety of different styles that
can be worn for other occasions.
Use your best judgment and try to choose something with a reasonable price tag.
A trend now is having the bride choose the fabric and ask each bridesmaid to choose a pattern that is
complimentary to her and have their dresses made. While you still have the same fabric, each maid gets to
wear a dress that compliments her figure.
Ask the Experts
Q:I showed my maid of honor the gown I chose for my attendants, and when she saw the price tag, she
told me she couldn’t be in my wedding party. Shouldn’t she buy the gown no matter how much it costs?
A: Not necessarily. If your friend can’t afford the gown and you have your heart set on it, offer to partially
pay for it or give the dress to her as a gift. If you can’t afford it either, consider selecting something less
expensive.
Another Viewpoint
The Bridesmaid Asks: What If I'm on a Tight Budget?
Q: I have been asked by a dear friend to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. The problem is, I am
on a strict budget and I am sure she will select extravagant dresses for us to wear. Can I hint that I have a
limited income to spend on a dress and shoes? Or should I simply turn her down and tell her why?
A: Tell her truthfully that you cannot realistically afford an expensive dress and that even though you
would love to be a bridesmaid, it is simply out of the question economically. That way you give her the
choice of finding someone else or selecting a less expensive dress. If you are really close, the bride may
decide that her wedding would not be complete without you and offer discreetly to buy the dress for you
herself.
Dear Miss Manners:
I am a bridesmaid and the bride let us pick out our own dresses, as long as they were velvet and not
strapless. Wheeee, I found this elegant off-the-shoulder dress.
I have a tattoo on my right shoulder that shows. I don’t know if I should cover it with special makeup (the
bride’s sister thinks I should) or leave it alone. The tattoo is now a part of me and they should accept me
the way I am. I am a middle-class woman, well groomed, clean, not the biker type.
The bride really doesn’t care if I cover it or not, but I feel as if she’s not telling me her real feelings about
the matter from not wanting to hurt my feelings. She’s a really good friend. I feel if everyone at this
wedding is so offended by my tattoo and not more interested in the wedding day, then they have a
problem.
Gentle Reader:
Okay, what’s the tattoo look like? Never mind. Unless it is positively nauseating or obscene, Miss Manners
is going to surprise you by defending it. Wheee! (as you would say).
It is silly enough that bridesmaids are required to wear the same dress, without their subjecting their bodies
or hair to criticism. The notion that the bride can make them restyle their hair or change their weight in the
hopes of standardizing them into a matching set is as insulting as it is silly. This bride has done nothing of
the kind. She has been faultlessly polite, and yet you are goading her to tell you her true feeling. Miss
Manners feels that if you are not more interested in your friend’s wedding than in her opinion of your
tattoo, it is you who has a problem.
Tattoo Coverage
If you've decided not to flaunt that skull and crossbones tattoo on your left shoulder in your Great Aunt
Mattie's face, a little makeup artistry is all it takes to cover that thing up.
You'll need two shades of cream foundation or concealer: one that's a shade lighter than your body skin---
to neutralize the ink---and one that matches your skin tone. Apply the lighter shade directly to the tattoo
with a brush. Cover it with the darker shade and blend well. top with a layer of powder.
Money Saving Tips
While some brides like to purchase their bridesmaids’ gowns as a gift for them, you would do well to allow
them to buy their own dresses. Most expect that they will have to anyway.
Look at the bridesmaid’s gowns shown in magazines to get a feel for the current styles and colors, and call
the printed toll-free numbers of the stores listed in the advertisements for the price range.
Shop at outlets, perhaps when you’re hunting through the Gunne Sax outlet for your own gown. Again,
researchers found dresses at 50 percent to 60 percent off.
If you have only one or two bridesmaids, you might find complementary gowns in an antique shop for a
fraction of what salons charge for the “heirloom look”.
Look in department stores for your maids’ gown. Prices there, as mentioned before, are likely to be much
lower than those in the bridal shops. Also, look in smaller dress shops for better prices and perhaps better
service.
Encourage your maids to choose a style of dress they will be able to wear again to formal dinners, dances,
and the like. A hundred-dollar dress is a better deal when it is used ten times.
Keep in mind that simpler dresses are often less expensive than detailed, sexy ones. Aside from the price,
the maids should not look provocative on your wedding day.
Do your Homework!
*******is the most ridiculous company that I have ever come in contact with. It all started when my sister
in law decided to order her bridesmaid dresses from them. There are seven bridesmaids total.
When I went in to get measured for my dress, I sat for almost two hours waiting for someone to help me. I
figured that they were busy, so I just let it go. Finally, I got the measurements taken, but when the girl told
me what size she was ordering, I was very surprised. It seemed too big for me. When I asked her about it,
she told me that they had to measure it to fit the largest part of my body, but that it could be taken in when
it got there for only $25. I did not argue with her because she seemed to know what she was talking about.
Fast forward to a week and half before the wedding. I get my dress in, more than a week after it was
promised. The dress is strapless, and when I put it on, it fell straight to the floor because it was so big. I
know that dress sizes differ a little from pant sizes, but this dress was five sizes bigger than my pant size.
There could not be THAT much difference in size. Literally, not one part of this dress fit my body at all.
My sister in law, the bride was nearly in tears when she saw it because neither one of us were sure that the
amount of alterations the dress needed could be done in time for the wedding. I took the dress back to ***
to get the alterations done. When I came out of the dressing room, two of the employees that were in the
lounge area made a remark about how huge the dress was on me and that I better not let go of it or it would
fall off.
The woman in charge of alterations, ***came over and began sticking pins in all over. After I changed
back into my clothes, I went over to prepay for the alterations. When ****showed me the ticket, I was in
utter disbelief. She told me that she was taking $20 off the price because she did not like to charge
bridesmaids much, so the total cost would only be $85. ONLY $85! I pretty much did not know what to
say. I left without paying and told her that I would be back the next day. Only $85 is a far cry from the $25
I was told when my measurements were taken.
I called my sister-in-law as soon as I left to ask her about the other girls in the bridal party. She told me that
one of the girls had already had their dress done and that it cost her $30. I was STUNNED. She told me
that when one of the girls went in to get fitted, they told her they were going to order a particular size but
when the dress came in, it was two sizes smaller than what was on her ticket and the smaller dress fit
perfectly. She said that they ordered another girl’s dress 8 sizes bigger than her pant size and that she was
having similar problems.
Needless to say, my sister-in-law called to speak to ***. She said that ***got a huge attitude about the
whole situation and told her that the reason the alterations were so expensive on my dress is because my
whole dress had to be “basically redone”. When my sister-in-law asked to speak to the manager, she was
told very rudely that the manager was not available. My sister-in-law knows one of the girls that works in
the spa area, so she called her to find out what we should do. The girl told my sister-in-law pointedly not to
make a fuss about it until after I had my dress because she knew of an incident when something similar
happened and ****had put a large gash in a bridal gown that cost $500 to fix.
So basically, I’m going to end up spending more than half of what the original cost of the dress itself was
just to have it altered to fit. At this point, it is much too late in the game to find someone else to do the
work. I’m going today, and I’m going to try and make some kind of compromise, but if they won’t budge,
there really isn’t much I can do about it.
Be Warned. Stay far, far away from this deceptive place. Don’t ruin one of the most special days of your
life by dealing with *********.Samantha Wildwood, Florida
Organic Attire www.thegreenbrideguide.com www.greenweddings.net
Attendants’ outfits should be definitely something washable that they can wear again, especially if they are
paying for them. Renting attendants’ formal wear is also a good option.
If you have a flower girl or ring bearer, ask their parents if the children already have clothes that are
appropriate for a wedding.
The flower girl may have a dress in colors that will match the bridal attendants’ dresses. The ring bearer
may already have a suit and tie.
For the bride and groom who want dressy wedding clothing or organically grown, natural fibers, there are
two routes to go: purchase the fabric and have it made or make it yourself; or find a designer who uses
organic or recycled fiber fabrics.
Do your Homework!
We purchased all of our wedding stuff from ****and in the end they treated us like dirt. We spent almost
$2,000.00 there and it is supposed to be for me the time of my life. We will never go there again and to
think the owner’s son was the one who treated us the worse.
They ordered all of the bridesmaid’s dresses wrong and it even cost me more to get them fixed. I guess
they are too rich and don’t need our money so we went to ****and told them what had happened, they
apologized for ***and even gave us a discount for our troubles with *****.
Please all I want is for other shoppers to know what they are dealing with and to never go to *****.
Anthony Bangor, Maine
Attire Male Attendants-Bridegroom
International Formalwear Association 312-644-6610 ext. 338
Getting Started: How Far in Advance?
This varies greatly from area to area. In small towns, or for less popular months, you can shop one to two
months before the wedding. However, you may need to reserve your tuxedos three to four months before
the wedding in larger cities or for popular summer wedding months. If you have out of town groomsmen,
you may want to leave extra time to get their measurements in.
Dressing the Groom
The groom should be dressed and ready to go at least an hour before the ceremony. The groom usually
spends the hour or so before he is to leave for the ceremony with his best man.
The groom and his best man should arrive at the ceremony site at least fifteen minutes before the hour of
the ceremony. Once there, the best man drops the groom off in a private room, such as the vestry or
officiant's study, and returns to the sanctuary to retrieve his and the groom's boutonnieres from the head
usher. After returning to the groom, he helps him pin on his boutonniere on the left side with the stem
down. The best man waits with the groom until the signal comes that the ceremony is about to begin.
Money Saving Tips
Ask recently married friends if they’d recommend the tuxedo rental shop they used for their wedding. This
way, you’ll have an idea of the business’s reliability and quality.
Always compare prices at tuxedo rental agencies around town.
Ask if the groom gets his tuxedo free with your groomsmen’s order or if, when the groom will be wearing
a military uniform, the free tux can go to your father.
Remember that proper fit of the garment can be more important than price.
Choose a shop that has a reputation for quality care and professional service.
Etiquette Checklist Tips
Specify these points in a signed and countersigned contract or bill of sale:
Size, style, and color of outfits; number of suits ordered.
Specific accessories covered in suit-rental fees (gold studs,striped ascots, etc).
Additional accessories (black matte-leather lace-up shoes).
Date outfits will be ready for pickup.
Total cost, deposit paid, and payment schedule.
Additional charges (fitting, cleaning, late return fees).
What the store will do if the formalwear is fit incorrectly, soiled, or ripped when tried on after pickup.
Refund and cancellation policies.
A Question for Peggy
Returning Rentals
Q: Who is responsible for returning rental attire after the wedding?
A: You can designate the best man, parents, or someone else who is reliable to see to the return of the
tuxes and any other rentals that have been used.
Money Tips
Make sure you get a signed copy of the contract or order receipt to verify your order in case of a mix-up.
Record the style number, style name, sizes, deposit amount, check number, delivery date, and the name of
the clerk who took your tuxedo order.
Shoes can be rented at a group discount rate at the tuxedo rental shop.
The men can wear their own dark shoes if the dark suits will be their wedding day wardrobe.
Lie to the groomsmen. We got this tip from one frustrated groom who found his groomsmen
procrastinated getting measured for their tuxedos. The tardy groomsmen got measured just days before
the wedding, frustrating everyone from the engaged couple to the tux shop. So, he recommended that
other grooms lie about when the measurements have to be in.
For example, tell them they must get measured six weeks before the wedding even though the real deadline
is just one month before. That way the procrastinator’s won’t upset the schedule if they are slightly late.
Ask the Experts
Q:Our ushers live in several different states. How should we rent tuxedos?
A:If you’ve got groomsmen traveling in from other locations, the easiest thing is to select a tux style in
your own hometown. Then ask the rental agent if they have measurement forms you can send to your
ushers. Many national tuxedo chains allow groomsmen to visit a local shop and be measured. Once the
measurements are taken in their local store, the information will be faxed to the store in your hometown,
where the order will ultimately be filled. It’s a great method and solves the problem of people showing up
with different tux styles or lugging their tuxes on airplanes or trains. If you can’t find such a service at one
of your local tuxedo providers, ask your out of town ushers to go to a tailor in their hometown and be
measured. It may cost a few dollars, but this is the only way to get accurate measurements.
Rent a Tuxedo
Check the phone book for tuxedo rental shops in your area. When renting for wedding attendants, look for
stores with multiple locations or stores that will fit a tux based on measurements--this helps ensure a
consistent look.
Visit your chosen store four to eight weeks prior to the event to have your measurements taken. Good
sales associates measure around your chest (both including and excluding the width of your arms); your
naked waist at belt height; your hip girth, including your seat; your neck circumference; and your sleeve
length from the center of your back.
Consider cuts that complement your build and accommodate the formality of the occasion. In contrast to
the rule for business suits, double-breasted tux jackets and those with wider lapels look great on a broad
chested, heavier-set man. A cropped jacket will elongate the height of a shorter man.
Prepare to pay between $100 and $150, excluding tax, for a rental that includes pants, jacket, shirt, tie,
cummerbund, shirt buttons, cufflinks, socks and shoes. Prices vary depending on the cut and make of the
tux and on whether you want a vest, a special neck tie, or fancier cufflinks and buttons. You usually leave
a deposit when you have your measurements taken, and pay the balance before leaving with tux in hand.
Schedule a final fitting one week before the event. The rental price includes alterations--you may need a
lift in the sleeve or a tuck in the waist to be dancing through the wee hours comfortably and in style.
Pay attention when the sales associate explains how to get dressed in a tux. You may find you're all thumbs
with the special buttons, cufflinks, cummerbund and tie if you do not understand how to put them
together.
Plan to return your tuxedo the day after your event, although some stores may give you a few additional
days. You are seldom required to dry-clean the rental, but damages and excessively late returns will add to
your final bill.
Tips
Rent from establishments that offer in-store inventory. Should you have any last-minute changes or
additional needs, they can offer you an alternative.
A white bowtie and cummerbund paired with a coat and tails is the most formal choice, but a black bow tie
and cummerbund are acceptable at any formal event.
Warnings
If you're coordinating tuxedo rentals as the best man, don't expect your groomsmen to remember all the
dates and details about their rentals. It's a good idea to confirm that they've hit all the deadlines for
measurement submission and have made appointments for fittings.
If the store you're using doesn't have multiple locations, encourage out of town members of your wedding
party to have measurements taken professionally at a tuxedo-rental store or tailor shop near them, then
send the figures on to the store providing all the tuxes. Self-measurements can be very inaccurate.
Tux Shopping Tips
In the old days, tux shopping was rather simple: if you planning a formal evening wedding, you wore a
single breasted tux. Daytime or less formal affairs called for cutaways, strollers or morning coats. Now,
that’s all been thrown out the window-guys are wearing all sorts of tuxes during all times of the day. So,
perhaps the best advice is to get a tux that best matches your body. Here are some ideas, given different
body types:
Short, stocky guys. Jackets with slim shawl collars are a good bet. You don’t need any of those broad
shoulder Euro style tuxes; that would be overkill. Instead jackets with natural shoulder lines are best. For
pants, avoid styles that have too much break on the foot (which creates a sloppy look); instead, try reverse
double pleated trousers.
Short, slender guys. Skip the double-breasted styles and look at single breast jackets, with a low button
and wide lapels.
Tall, slender guys. These folks have it easy, just about everything works. Double breasted tuxes with
those Euro-style broad shoulders are fine, as are those hip three button styles that close high on the chest.
Trousers can have more breaks at the foot.
Tall, stocky guys. Jacket length is a tough one here; try styles with shawl collars. Consider a jacket with a
bit of room to allow for movement.
Other tips: Vests are popular alternative to cummerbunds these days. Be sure to ask whether the vest is a
full back or half back (full looks better if you take off your jacket during the reception). Fit is an
important look for a tux rental shop that knows how to measure properly (it’s more than just jacket size;
shops should also take your inseam and waist measurements). And insist on a fitting BEFORE the
wedding to avoid any day of surprises. Finally, pay attention to the fabric. 100% wool tuxes are best, but
there are differences among wools. Have a tux retailer show you the difference between a tropical wool
fabric and other options.
Teddy’s Tip
It’s a good idea to carry collar extenders in your emergency kit in case the shirt is too tight around the
neck. This little contraption can add an inch or so to make your life-and breathing- a little easier.
Buy a Man's Business Suit
Choose a jacket style. The two button single-breasted jacket is a popular style, but three or four button
jackets are also available. Keep in mind that fashions change for men's clothing, just as they do for
women's. Only thin men should wear formal double-breasted jackets, which add bulk to the figure. These
should be kept buttoned at all times, as the jacket hangs awkwardly otherwise.
Select a fabric color and pattern. If you opt for a patterned fabric, check to see that patterns line up at
shoulder and lapel seams.
Choose a suit fabric. High-quality worsted wool is the most seasonally versatile. Cotton and linen are good
for summer wear. Avoid blends that are made with too much polyester, as they don't breathe well and may
look cheap.
Crumple the fabric to make sure it bounces back instead of wrinkling, unless you've chosen a fabric that's
meant to wrinkle, such as linen.
Select a pants style. Pleats make pants dressy and provide room for movement, while flat-front pants are
slimming. Cuffed legs are formal, add weight to the suit and can make the leg seem shorter, uncuffed pants
elongate the leg and are more informal.
Test the jacket for fit. Make sure the collar lies flat against the back of you neck and shows a 1/4 inch rim
of shirt collar. Shoulders should be lightly padded and neither too boxy nor too sloped. Sleeves should
reveal 1/4 to 1/2 inch of shirt cuff and fall 5 inches above the tip of your thumb.
Button the jacket and sit down to verify that it is comfortable and doesn't bunch up.
Make sure the pants sit on the waist, not hips, and drape over and break slightly at the tops of your shoes.
Check that your socks aren't visible when you walk.
Tips
Tall men should emphasize horizontal lines and avoid pinscripes. Double-breasted suits often flatter
tall,thin men. Short men should consider single-breasted, shorter jackets in pinstripes or dark solids.
Heavier men should also opt for pinstripes and avoid double-breasted suits.
When you buy a suit off the rack, you may have to take whichever pants come with the jacket. If this is the
case, the jacket style, which is more noticeable, should take precedence over the pants style. Keep in mind
that cuffs can be added to or removed from most pairs of pants.
Buying a jacket and pants separately will give you more style choices, and is a good approach if you need a
special fit (if you have a large chest and a small waist, for example). It may be difficult to match the
garments, though.
Green Groomsmen www.begreennow.com
The dry cleaning problem exists for men’s dress clothing also. Here are options for grooms and
groomsmen/ushers.
Rent a tuxedo or suit. This is the usual approach to menswear in weddings. It involves dry-cleaning.
Wear clothing you will wear again (or have worn before), or a color that does not show soil easily.
If you’re the careful, considerate type not likely to spill food or drink on it, borrow a tuxedo from a friend
or relative.
Purchase a second hand suit, tuxedo or tails from a consignment store, antique shop or thrift store.
Have a suit or outfit made with washable fabric.
Do your Homework!
Both my son’s were part of a wedding party in July 2005. We had paid for the rental of 2 tuxedos which
came to $255.00
On their first fitting everything was OK. They were required to get refitted 3 days prior to the wedding, in
case any adjustments had to be made. 3 days prior to the wedding they both went in for a fitting and the
outcome was:
Sleeves were 4 inches to short and the jacket was 4 inches to big for both outfits.
They re-fitted them again and told us to return the following day, we did and again the exact same outfit
was not even touched. The measurements were again too short and too long. So again they were re-fitted
and told to come back the next day, this is 1 day before the wedding. So we did.
The following day when we arrived the outfits again did not fit; they seemed as if they had not even been
touched. They apologized, and claimed this had never happened before. Now it is 9 p.m. at night and they
were required to be suited before 8am the next morning. They wanted to measure it 1 more time and have
the outfit picked up the following day.
Needless to say it was NOT TOUCHED AGAIN. They told me to take it up with the manager on Monday.
At that time it was too late. They attended the wedding without the shirt and jacket that I had rented. I went
out and purchased 2 other shirts and made due with the jackets.
When I spoke with the manager the following Monday all he said was the best he could do was refund me
$30.00 for the gas spent. WHAT WOULD YOU DO!!! Nelson Mississauga, Ontario
Do your Homework!
I am writing this to make sure what happened to us does not happen to anyone else. ***ruined our wedding
by giving us wrong colored, stained, and wrong sized clothing.
I had a groomsmen who flew in from overseas, who picked up his tux from the *** store and received a
pink tie. When he told them that it should be champagne colored, they told him no-it should be pink and
they gave him the pink tie. When he told me I called the store and argued with them until I turned blue.
They refused to fix the problem-I could not believe it! Another groom needed the sleeves on his coat
shortened because they covered most of his hands. He went back the next day (day of the wedding), as
instructed, and discovered that the alterations had not only NOT been made, but there were visible marks
on the sleeves where they were supposed to shortened .
My dad received size 9 shoes when he wears size 14, which they thankfully fixed, but that meant another
trip. Another groomsmen’s pants were extremely wrinkled and had food on one pant leg they didn’t look
like they attempted to clean. They tried to give me a stained tie and a coat one size too small, fixed both (
but had to go back the day of the wedding).
I could not believe the level of un professionalism. I’ve called twice and left messages with the manager,
he still has not returned my calls. They have no “headcorters” or contact information on their website.
There is no way to contact a supervisor; the store manager is just covering his rear.
Whatever you do, do not use ****. They don’t care about their customers and did a shabby job at all three
locations we used. Jon Canton, Michigan
Etiquette Tip
Dress for the Mothers'
Each mother should dress in a style, which is most natural and comfortable for her. One may be
comfortable in a cocktail dress with a hat and gloves. The other may prefer a long dress, especially if the
wedding is outdoors or at home. Such diversification is perfectly acceptable. There is no need for both
mothers to dress in a similar fashion, unless they have similar tastes. At Meredith and Ted’s wedding,
Meredith’s mother wore a beige pants suit and Ted’s mother had on a long Indian silk dress. Garlands of
daisies in their hair identified them as the mothers.
Mothers of the Bride and Groom
The dresses of the mothers of the bride and groom should be dignified, yet stylish. They should flatter each
mother’s figure. The two mothers should choose dresses that compliment each other, as well as those
worn by the bridesmaids.
Dress for Bridal Party and Guests (Mothers and Stepmothers of Couple)
Most Formal Daytime Long or short dresses; hat , veil , or hair ornament optional; gloves optional.
Most Formal Evening Usually long evening or dinner dress, dressy short cocktail permissible; head
coverings optional; veil or hair ornament if long dress; small hat, if short dress, gloves optional
Semiformal Daytime Long or street-length dresses; gloves, head covering optional
Semiformal Evening Same as semiformal daytime
Most Formal Evening Short afternoon or cocktail dresses
Informal Evening Same length dress as bride
Dear Annie:
I am a 56 year old father, married 35 plus years, and am trying to resolve a dispute. No one knows I am
writing. My 31 year old daughter is marrying for the second time in July. She didn’t have a big wedding
the first time, so she is doing it now, and she has selected purple and pink as her color scheme.
My daughter says her mother cannot wear a pink dress because it is not proper etiquette, and they have had
some very heated discussions over it. Our female friends disagree, saying my wife should definitely wear
either purple or pink. I don’t really care because I am legally colorblind.
Please help me settle this. It’s a long, hot time until July. Peacekeeper
Dear Peacekeeper:
There is no reason Mom cannot match the flowers and napkins, but according to Peggy Post, the mother of
the bride should not wear the same color dress as the bride or the bridesmaids. Instead, she should select
something that coordinates nicely. We hope that ends the argument.
Ask the Experts
Q:My mother in law wants to wear an off-white dress to my wedding. I think that’s really crass. What
should I do?
A:If your mother-in-law’s choice of an off-white dress bothers you let her know-but tread gently. While
this is your big day, it is also a big day for her. Send someone from your wedding party to talk to her
about it-for example, your maid of honor. She simply may not realize your concern and may be more than
happy to get her dress in another color. If she resists getting a new dress, let it roll off your back. On your
wedding day, no one will be looking at your mother in law because all eyes will be on you.
Attire Mothers'
Money Saving Tips
Dressing the Mothers of the Bride and Groom
Look through magazines with your mother so both of you can discuss what kinds of dresses will be
appropriate, which colors you prefer.
Remember the mothers’ dresses should adhere to the formality of your wedding. In essence, the mothers of
the bride and groom are an extended part of the bridal party, so wardrobe rules apply to them as well.
The mothers’ gown should be somewhat conservative in order not to outdo the bride’s, so you’re also
avoiding the extra expense of a flashier style.
Avoid bridal salons for the mothers’ dresses.
Speaking of sales, shop for the mothers’ gowns after major holidays.
Consider shopping for the mother of the bride’s and the mother of the groom’s dresses in an outlet store for
a considerable discount.
Flip through formalwear catalogs.
Encourage both your mother and his mother to make their own gowns, if they are both inclined to do so.
Buy a very simple gown in a department or discount store and add a jeweled neckline or fancy trim.
Check into formal dress rentals for both mothers, a much less expensive alternative to buying.
If the groom’s mother lives far away from you or your mother; send her a swatch and a picture of the gown
your mother has chosen so she can then make her selection. The mother of the bride chooses her dress first
as an honor, and the mother of the groom should wear a similar but not identical style and a similar color.
Order the mothers’ shoes with yours and your bridesmaids’ for an even better group discount rate, if
available.
To save them money; encourage your mother and his mother to wear their own jewelry and to forgo
headpieces or hats.
Last Minute Wedding Disasters
Hundreds of best men or grooms have forgotten or lost the bride's wedding ring (One groom's little brother
"lost" the ring right before the ceremony in the family's oversized aquarium---where it was swallowed by
one of twenty huge fish). In each case, a friend in the wedding party or in the congregation lent her
wedding ring for the ceremony......
What If....
The ring gets lost. First never entrust a child with the real ring. Leave that to the best man, and give the
ring bearer a faux ring. If the ring simply vanishes, ask to borrow a ring from one of your guests.
What If....
A bridesmaid shows up late for hair and makeup or not at all. Don't expend mental energy worrying
about her just concentrate on getting yourself ready on time. The wedding will go on, with or without the
bridesmaid.
Attendant Responsibility www.weddings.about.com
Ushers'/Best Man's Expenses
Rental of wedding attire
Transportation to and from location of wedding
A contribution to a gift from all the groom's attendants to the groom
An individual gift to the couple
A bachelor dinner, if given by the groom's attendants
Bridesmaids'/Honor Attendant's Expenses
Purchase of apparel and all accessories
Transportation to and from the city or town where the wedding takes place
A contribution to a gift from all the bridesmaids to the bride
An individual gift to the couple
A shower and/or luncheon for the bride
Worst Case Scenario-How to deal with an intoxicated bridesmaid
Remove her shoes
Have all the bridesmaids line up in pairs.
Help her down the aisle.
Ask the musicians to play the processional music at a slower tempo.
Position the intoxicated bridesmaid close to the door.
Behind the Tradition
The Best Man
The tradition of having a best man at a wedding is thought to have originated with the Germanic Goths of
northern Europe in A.D. 200. If there was a shortage of women to marry in his own community, the
bridegroom would have to find a bride in a neighboring village---and that would often mean taking her by
force. So he would be accompanied by his strongest or best friend, who helped him capture and carry off
a bride.
Best Man
Usually the groom’s brother (occasionally his father) or a very good friend, this is the attendant with the
most responsibilities. A good best man assumes the groom will not be able to handle anything on his
wedding day and takes responsibility for holding the bride’s ring (and producing it at the right time),
holding any travel tickets needed for the honeymoon, handling the groom’s car, acting as head usher,
paying the clergyperson and anyone else who should get a check that day, and generally masterminding
the whole show from the groom’s side. He stands next to the groom during the ceremony.
Q: My closest friend is a man (for the bride) or a woman (for the groom). Would it be inappropriate to
have him or her fill the position of matron of honor or best man?
A: Rules for selecting the wedding party have relaxed considerably and it's not unusual for the bride to
have a " man of honor" or the groom to have a "best woman"
A Question for Peggy
Dressing the Best Woman
Q:My fiance has asked a female friend to be his honor attendant. That's fine with me, except that neither of
us is sure what comprises the proper wedding attire for a "best woman." Should she wear what the other
groomsmen are wearing"?
A:When the groom's honor attendant is a woman, she may wear a dress in the color family of the bride's
attendants, but more often she wears a dress in black or gray or whatever main color the men are wearing.
She should not wear a tuxedo, nor should she dress like the groomsmen. In addition, male attendants do
not carry bouquets. So the "best woman" should instead wear a corsage using the same flowers in the
boutonnieres worn by the groomsmen.
Another Viewpoint
Q:As the best man, it's my responsibility to deliver the ceremony fees. What is the proper way to make
these payments?
A:Fees for the officiant, the organist, the soloist, and use of a church or other house of worship are not tips
but should be delivered as you would tips. Each fee is sealed in an envelope, addressed to the person, and
given with your thanks---and the thanks of the groom---included.
Mishap & Disaster
We paid for our own wedding and the groom forgot the checkbook. Since he lived an hour away from the
reception site, and it snowed heavily that day, the best man spent a good part of the day going back to the
groom’s apartment to retrieve it. We asked the caterer if they could wait, but they insisted they had to have
a check that night.
Q:My fiancés best man is flying in the night before our wedding and can’t make the rehearsal. How will he
know what to do?
A:First of all, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Airline delays are the norm these days, and
there’s a chance he won’t even make it to your wedding. Cross your fingers, but have your fiancé ask an
usher to stand in for the best man at your rehearsal and explain to him that if the best man doesn’t arrive,
he’s it! If the best man does arrive, your officiate and the stand in usher will fill him in on the details.
Be a Best Man
Being chosen as best man is an honor and a responsibility. Here’s how to fill the role.
Arrive on time or early to every event connected with the wedding.
Plan a bachelor party that suits the groom’s personality.
Oversee the usher’s tuxedo rentals and fittings-make sure the tuxedos are picked up and ready the day
before the event, as well as returned on time after the wedding.
Hold the bride’s ring until it is needed, unless a ring bearer is present.
Be sure the groom has the marriage license. You are an official witness and may sign it.
Remind the groom to be ready with his suitcases for the honeymoon, tickets and anything else he may
forget.
Help the groom get dressed before the wedding.
Get the groom to the wedding with plenty of time to spare.
Make the first toast to the bride and groom at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception.
Read any congratulatory Mailgrams at the reception.
Dance with the bride and attendants during the reception.
Unless the couple plans to drive away on their own, arrange for a ride, or drive them from the ceremony
their hotel or the airport.
Order Champagne for the newlyweds’ hotel room.
Tips
Save the roasts for the bachelor party and make a more formal toast at the wedding.
Remember that the other ushers as well as the groom will be affected by your attitude, so be enthusiastic
and have fun.
Be a Groomsman
It’s a rare groom who can carry the wedding load single-handedly. That’s where groomsmen come in: to
help him cope with formalities and jitters and to make sure he gets to the altar.
Let the groom know that you are honored to be one of his groomsmen, and assure him that you will fulfill
your role with dignity-without sacrificing the fun.
Attend as many prenuptial events as you can-and give the groom one less thing to worry about by being
punctual.
Help the best man throw a bachelor party for the groom.
Rent your own tuxedo and shoes, per instructions from the groom.
Arrive 45 minutes early at the wedding site to go over the seating plan and to help the groom take care of
any last-minute preparations.
Serve as an usher by escorting guests from their cars and leading them to their seats as specified by the
seating plan. (For every group of guests that arrives, seat the oldest woman first.) You may also have to
direct guests to parking facilities and restrooms and give directions to the reception site.
Perform ceremonial duties such as escorting the bridesmaids down the aisle and, most important, standing
at the altar with the groom.
Dance with the bridesmaids during the first dance (after the newlyweds and their parents) you may be the
ones to jump start the party.
Toast the couple at the reception after the best man does so.
Bedeck the bride and groom’s getaway vehicle with flowers, signs, streamers and balloons.
Tips
Stay flexible and on your toes. You may be called upon to handle unexpected circumstances.
Respect the groom's wishes if you throw a bachelor party. Be inventive, but stay within the boundaries of
reason. He may have made some promises to his bride to be regarding his "last night of freedom".
Perform your duties with dignity during the ceremony.
Make the experience fun---humor is a good tonic for nerves---but be sure to keep the antics to a minimum,
especially on the wedding day. What seems hilarious when you are plotting with fellow groomsmen can
turn into a fiasco and result in hurt feelings.
Ushers
Ushers seat the guests at the start of the ceremony-and unseat them at the end. They also dance with any
unattached women during the reception. Like the bridesmaids, they offer their services in the weeks and
months before the wedding in any way they may be needed.
Maid/Matron of Honor
The bride usually asks the sister closest to her in age or the sister to whom she is closest personally to be
her maid or matron of honor. The term “maid of honor” is reserved for an unmarried woman, while
“matron of honor” is used for a married woman.
A bride also may ask a good friend to be her honor attendant. Usually a bride has only one honor attendant,
but there is no reason the duties could not be shared if the bride so desires. The maid or matron of honor
assists the bride during the wedding ceremony. She takes her bouquet at the appropriate moment, lifts her
veil, and holds the groom’s ring until it is needed.
The maid or matron of honor usually is distinguished in some way in her dress. She may wear a dress of
slightly different style from the bridesmaids; more often she wears the same dress in a different shade or
color.
She also may carry a slightly different bouquet. Or there may be no distinctions in her dress, according to
the bride’s preference.
Be a Maid/Matron of Honor
As one of the bride’s closest friends or relatives, you’ll have a major part in the wedding festivities.
Ask the mother of the bride if you can help in any way aside from performing your ceremonial
duties.Consider offering housing to out of town guests if you live near the place where the wedding is
being held.
Offer your support as the bride plans (and perhaps obsesses over) every wedding detail-from floral
arrangements to dinner menus.
Orchestrate a shower and/or bachelorette party. Help the bride keep track of gifts she receives at these
gatherings.
Help the bride get dressed before the wedding.
Tend to the flower girl and ring bearer if there is no one else available to direct them.
Serve as one of the official witnesses to the wedding, if asked.
Hold the bride’s bouquet and the groom’s ring during the ceremony. Help the bride with her veil or train if
necessary.
Act as liaison between the bride and the bridesmaids during the reception.
Give a toast at both the rehearsal dinner and the reception-usually after the best man.
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Bridesmaids
The bridesmaids have no direct responsibilities other than to look their loveliest and be attentive to the
bride. A good bridesmaid (and friend) will offer to run any errands or help out in any way during the last
hectic weeks before the wedding and may offer to give the bride a shower or hold a small dinner in her
honor sometime before the wedding.
Although married four times my friend Judy had never been in a bridal party. So she was thrilled when
asked to be a maid of honor. "Finally," I told her. "We used to say, " Poor Judy, always a bride, never a
bridesmaid." Judy Allen
Be a Bridesmaid
Let the bride know you feel privileged to be chosen as a bridesmaid. She will appreciate your enthusiasm.
Offer to help the bride and maid of honor with any tasks they’ll be facing prior to the big day. This could
include housing out of town guests.
Coordinate a shower-or assist the maid of honor in doing so-to be held from the couple or the bride.
Keep in mind that your bridesmaid dress is part of the big picture-if you are not crazy about the material or
design, keep it to yourself. It is your responsibility to pay for the dress, shoes and lingerie.
Attend as many prenuptial events as you can-and give the bride one less thing to worry about by being
punctual.
Contribute to the bridesmaids' gift to the bride, in addition to your own.
Pack an emergency kit for the bride for the wedding day: bobby pins, safety pins, hair spray, hair dryer--
anything she may forget to bring and can't live without.
Be ready to fill in doing odd jobs, such as serving as an impromptu seamstress if the need should arise.
Jump--start the party--dance with the groomsmen and bring other guests onto the floor.
Mingle and help everyone feel comfortable.
Toast the newlyweds at the reception, alone or with another bridesmaid.
Tips
Be sensitive to the bride's wishes, if and when you throw a bachelorette party. Remember, it is your friend's
wedding and you'll want to respect her desires.
Budget your expenses for the months to come. The costs for parties, meals and clothes may add up to more
than you expect.
Junior Bridesmaid
This is an honor accorded a young sister, cousin, or friend between the ages of eleven and fourteen or
fifteen. Prepubescent is the operative word in choosing a junior bridesmaid. Girls of this tender age
generally adore weddings and are especially thrilled to be honored with a role in one. If she is old enough,
the junior bridesmaid can dress exactly like all the other bridesmaids; if she is still a girl (as opposed to a
young woman), then she can wear a slightly younger-looking dress in the same color and general style as
the bridesmaids.
Flower Girl
A girl under the age of six or seven can serve as flower girl, provided she is capable of performing under
pressure. The flower girl has no real responsibilities, but she does walk in the processional and recessional
(or more likely, joins her mother and father in a front pew at the end of the ceremony so she doesn’t get
lost in the crush at the back of the church).
A lovely, quaint touch is to have the flower girl strew flowers or rose petals as she moves down the aisle.
Sometimes, a dress that coordinates with the bridesmaids’ dresses can be found, and most bridal shops sell
flower girl dresses. A flower girl can also wear any pretty dresses that fit in well with what the rest of the
wedding party is wearing. I think flower girls look their loveliest when they are dressed as little girls
rather than as miniature adults. In addition to wearing a dress that is appropriate to her age, this means
wearing tights or white anklets and black or white patent maryjanes for dress shoes. If the bridesmaids
wear sophisticated hats, the flower girl might wear just a few flowers in her hair or perhaps a garland of
flowers; otherwise, her head covering might be a scaled-down version of theirs.
Watch Out!
Children are adorable, but they are far from dependable. If you invite kids to be part of your wedding,
accept that you can't control what they do (talk, cry, fidget, steal the show) or do not do (toss petals, walk
down the aisle on cue, sit still). A good rule of thumb: No kids younger than three should walk down the
aisle.
Ring Bearer
A boy of six or seven can be enlisted as ring bearer, subject to the same limitations that were discussed for
flower girls. If he carries the rings, they must be firmly attached to a pillow, and more often than not these
days, he does not carry the rings but simply walks in the processional, perhaps paired with the flower girl.
Usually the ring bearer and trainbearer are little boys. If this is the case, dress them the same as or similar
to, the groom or his attendants. If not identical, then keep in the same color scheme. Depending on the
formality, and the size of the boy, he can wear a tuxedo, light or dark suit.
Other Small Attendants
Train bearers, as the name implies, hold the bride's train. They, too, must be very little boys and dressed in
white. Unless they have rehearsed their part thoroughly, the train trailing smoothly by itself is really safer
than a train in the hands of small children whose behavior is apt to be uncertain. Pages, too, are small
boys who walk in the procession, but do nothing else.
A boy who is too big to be a ring bearer and too young to be a junior usher can be made responsible for
running the ribbons along the ends of the pews. When there are two boys one takes the right side of the
aisle, the other one the left, and they stand beside the front pews during the ceremony.
Remember, when planning your wedding party, that no matter how charming and cute they are, the
presence of too many children is distracting. Even when they are well behaved ( and sometimes they are
not!) they may steal the show from the bride.
Informed Attendants www.weddings.about.com
Once you have affirmative answers from all your attendants, you should keep them informed of your
ongoing plans. Details can be shared by telephone, letter, or e-mail. Keeping your attendants informed
helps everyone stay organized and allows them to become more familiar with the rest of the wedding
party---an especially nice touch if they’ve never met. The information could include the following:
List of names, addresses, and phone numbers of the wedding party.
Dates and times of parties and showers they will be invited to (they are not obligated to come, but it is nice
for them to know when the events are occurring).
Rehearsal time and place
Rehearsal dinner arrangements
Where they will stay
What their wardrobe needs might be---from wedding attire to clothes for other activities (such as shorts for
a picnic).
Reminders to bridesmaids and ushers to break in their new shoes.
Any plans for breakfast, lunch, or tea before the wedding.
Where they will dress.
The time and place for any prewedding photos
Transportation arrangements to the ceremony and reception.
Attire Storage
Sewtique ( for gown and bridal accessory restoration)
800-332-9122 sewtique@aol.com Fax: 860-445-1448
You will want to take as much care with your wedding clothing after the event as you did before. Here are
some practical ways to store your wedding attire so that it will stay fresh and wrinkle free for years to
come.
Wedding gown. Have an attendant or relative hang up your gown as soon as you take it off and get it to a
professional cleaner who specializes in wedding gowns as soon as possible, particularly in the event of
spots or champagne spills. The cleaners will then clean and store the gown in a sealed box or container.
Store the box or container on a high shelf in a closet or in the attic.
Headdress. Any headdress not attached to a veil should be cleaned professionally and placed in a hatbox.
Trains and veils. Have each cleaned professionally with the wedding gown and stored in the same
manner.
Gloves. Cotton gloves: Launder. Wrap in tissue in a box and keep it in a drawer. Kidd or leather: Have
cleaned professionally.
Shoes. Carry to a shoe shop to have shoes cleaned professionally and stored in a box. For cloth shoes,
sponge with a cloth and mild detergent; when dry, put them away in tissue in a box. For leather shoes,
polish or store. If tough grass stains are on shoes, have them cleaned professionally, no matter what the
fabric.
Bouquet. If your freezer is large enough, store your bouquet inside until you return from your honeymoon.
When you return, have it freeze-dried by a florist or dry it yourself by hanging it upside down in a dry
place.
Alterations
Once you've chosen a gown, the salon will order it and then custom fit it to your body once it arrives. Some
full-service bridal stores have seamstresses on staff as a part of the store's services, and some hire an
independent contractor for alterations. Other stores offer no alteration services but instead refer you to one
or more resources.
Alternatively, you may select a seamstress you're familiar with to alter your gown. In spite of the cost of
alterations, few stores actually make a profit on this service, so they won't object if you choose to go
elsewhere. Alteration costs vary depending upon the extent and nature of alterations required. Even
seemingly standard needs like shortening a dress can range widely in complexity and expense. If you've
selected a gown with lace trim at the hem, for example, it may not be possible to shorten the gown from the
hemline. Instead some gowns must be shortened from the waistline, which involves more complicated
work. If your alterations will be performed by the store or salon, obtain a written estimate for all alterations
either when you purchase your gown or when you visit the store for your first fitting.
You'll likely need three fittings in all. It's best to bring the lingerie and shoes you'll wear with your
wedding dress to your fittings so that you can see how the entire ensemble looks together. (If you're not
sure what kind of undergarments your dress requires, ask your fitter for advice). It's also a good idea to
bring your mother or maid of honor to your second or final dress fitting so she can learn how to help you
get into your gown and how to bustle your train, if necessary. Even if your dress is ready well in advance,
resist the urge to pick it up until the week of your wedding. Your bridal salon is better equipped than you
are to store your dress properly, and you wouldn't want it to get wrinkled or crushed in your closet.
Money Saving Tip
Minimize alterations. Keep alteratations to a minimum; order the closest size, to your largest measurement,
from the manufacturer's size chart (each manufacturer's size chart varies).
Tip
Cut back on tailoring costs "Shop at a store that lets you try on dresses in your actual size--not a sample
size," says Ashlee Simpson's wedding planner and author or The Wedding Book, Mindy Weiss. "This
gives you a clearer picture of what you'll look like in your dress and minimizes the alterations process,
which can save a lot of money."
Many bridal shops make their money on alterations. That's why it's so important for you and each of your
bridesmaids to know how to take your own measurements so that the numbers you get match what the
bridal shop gets. You don't want to incur any unnecessary and costly alterations.
I suggest that you each get a good vinyl measuring tape (as opposed to cotton, which can stretch) and take
your measurements the morning before you go dress shopping. Measure your bust (over the nipple, not
under the breast ), waist, and hips (at the widest part), write the numbers down, and take that information
with you. Then don't be afraid to ask the bridal shop clerk what she got for each measurement. If she got a
40 for your bust and you got a 38 this morning, have her measure it again. If you know what you're doing
when you walk in there, then you'll probably be able to cut down on the number of alterations you'll need
when your dress finally arrives.
When it comes to alterations, keep the following in mind: With a floor length bridesmaid dress, make sure
the hem is about 1 1/2 inches off the ground with shoes on. That way the dresses will look as if they touch
the floor when photographs are taken, but your bridesmaids won't be tripping over the dresses throughout
the affair.
Abbreviations
Just as abbreviations are not used in the wording of the invitation, so are they not used in addressing the
envelopes. A person's middle name may or may not be used. If it is, it must be written out in full, as
should "Street" and "Avenue". The name of the state is traditionally not abbreviated, but because the post
office prefers the use of two-letter state abbreviations and no comma between the city and the state, it is
fine to do so.
Admission Cards
Admission cards are necessary only when a wedding is held in a popular cathedral or church that attracts
sightseers. To ensure privacy in these circumstances, each guest is asked to present his or her card at the
entrance. It is generally engraved or printed in the same style as the invitation and reads:
PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD
AT
ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL
SATURDAY THE TWELFTH OF JUNE
Addressing Envelopes
To a married couple: Wedding invitations are always addressed to both members of a married couple,
even though the bride may know only one or knows that only one will attend.
To an unmarried couple living together: Invitations to an unmarried couple who reside at the same
address should be addressed to "Ms. Nancy Fellow and Mr. Scott Dunn," with each name appearing on a
separate line.
Including children: Children over thirteen years of age should, if possible, receive separate invitations.
Young brothers and sisters may be sent a joint invitation addressed to "The Misses Smith" or "The
Messrs. Jones" on the outer envelope, with "Andy, Doug and Brian" written on the inner envelope to
make perfectly clearly that all are invited. If there are both boys and girls, the outer envelope may read:
The Messrs. Jones
The Misses Jones
If children are not receiving a separate invitation, their names may be written on a line below their parents'
names on the inner envelope and do not have to be listed on the outer envelope at all. However, if no
inner envelope is used, their names must be written on the outer envelope, or their parents won't know
that they are included in the invitation. When possible, be specific and list names. Still, it is often difficult
to know all the names and relationships within a family. If, for example, relationships are so complicated
or children so numerous that it seems simplier to address the envelope "Mr. and Mrs. Vito Sessa and
Family" you may do so---but only in the follow circumstances.
When it is clear that you are inviting just the people living under that roof, not the aunt and uncle next
door.
When the children are young; adult relatives who reside in the household should receive their own
invitation.
When every person living under the same roof is included in the invitation.
Return address: The U.S. Postal Service requests that all first-class mail bear a return address. This
information also lets invited guests know where to send replies and gifts if an RSVP address does not
appear on the invitation. The postal service prefers that the return address be printed or handwritten on the
upper-left hand corner of the envelope. It is non the less acceptable to clearly emboss the return address
by stamping it on the envelope's flap (although sometimes the embossing is difficult to read ).
Addressing your Invitations
Considering how busy you probably are with work and wedding planning, leaving four weeks here is
prudent. If you choose to hire a local calligrapher, most take between one and three weeks to complete a
job.
Money Saving Tips
If you have experience in calligraphy, hand-print a master copy of your invitation. Then either bring this
master copy to a discount printer to be duplicated or, if you have the time and patience, you can hand-print
in calligraphy all your invitations. It’s a classy look if you have the talent, and it’s more than a bargain.
Professional calligraphers charge substantial fees for their work, so if you must hire out the job,
comparison shop for the best talent at the right price.
Unofficially....
Wedding etiquette dictates that you never address envelopes using a typewriter, and that you not use labels.
You can however, get away with using computerized calligraphy or a computer program that will produce
a script font. Or you can address them by hand (using blue or black ink only), or hire a calligrapher to do
the addressing for you.
Art Gallery www.data-lists.com/art gallery
"It Worked for Me !"
"No one says you have to get married in a church or a banquet hall. Brad and I wanted something a bit
different, so we chose an art gallery near where we live in San Francisco---a huge loft space with white
walls and big bay windows. It was the perfect place. Surrounded by great artwork and great friends, we
said our vows,then danced the night away". Our first song? 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco.Helena, 31,
California
Altar
Will you need to provide an altar? A kneeling bench or cushions? An altar cloth? Candles? Any other
liturgical items? If the answer is "yes" to any of these questions, ask for the names of resources who
provide them. Ask whether makeshift arrangements will do, such as a table that can be used as an altar or
a table runner that doubles as an altar cloth. If the ceremony site is a frequent wedding location, you may
find that these items are already available.
A Question for Peggy
Assigned Seating www.seatingarrangements.com
Pros and Cons
Q:My fiance and I have agreed on everything but this: whether or not to assign seats. Since we're having
butlered hors d'oeuvres and food stations instead of a sit-down dinner, I like the idea of not assigning
seats (other than the bridal party table). I think it will keep the party fluid and guests mingling. My fiance
has a number of elderly relatives to whom he'd like to offer assigned seating. What do we do?
A:Here's a compromise. In addition to the bridal party table, have one other assigned-seating table reserved
specifically for your elderly relatives. It's not only a way to make them comfortable, it's a way to honor
them as well.
Q: Our wedding reception will be a large sit-down dinner. What is the best way to direct guests to their
preplanned seat?
Use place cards on the tables; they are especially pretty if written in calligraphy.
Display a beautifully lettered seating chart where your guests can see it, so they won't have to go from table
to table in search of their places.
Having seating arrangements inside envelopes displayed on a table outside the dining room. Guests should
find their name and table number, then consult the seating chart to find their place.
Wedding Wisdom
"Let your parents and his parents do the seating for their friends and relatives. You and your fiance should
just worry about seating your friends." Wendy
Wedding Wisdom
"Make sure your reception site is flexible with seating and does not restrict you to tables of various sizes
that seated eight to fourteen, which enabled us to group people together naturally. In addition, my
husband and I sat alone at what is called a sweethearts' table. It allowed our bridal party to sit with their
spouses and dates, and it gave us a few quiet minutes alone to talk and enjoy the day together." Carreen
The Art of Mehnidi
Mehnidi-the ancient art of painting beautiful designs on the hands and feet with henna-was practiced for
centuries by friends of Pakistani, Moroccan, and Indian brides; it’s still done in some villages. In these
countries friends gather before the wedding to color and paint with henna the hands, feet, and sometimes
arms and face of the bride in intricate floral patterns as good luck and protection against unfriendly spirits.
Did you Know?
The art of henna tattooing, also called mehnidi, dates back to the Egyptians.
In Indian, Middle Eastern, and North African cultures, mehnidi is still used as a ritual to celebrate
marriage. Traditionally, the bride's hands and feet are decorated before her wedding.
The dye is made by drying and crushing the leaves of the henna plant to form a powder, which is then
made into a paste.
Absentee Voting www.vote411.org
Q:I plan to be on a cruise to the Caribbean on election day, and I want to cast an absentee ballot before I
leave, but the board of elections won't let me. Do they have the right to refuse me?
A:Yes. Absentee voting is regarded as a priviledge, not a right. While most states have laws permitting
absentee voting for primaries and regular elections, they often require that the voter's absense be truly
unavoidable. Generally, you can get an absentee ballot if your work will take you out of town on election
day, but you may not be able to get one if you are on vacation, depending on the law in your state.
Appreciation Party
Instead of trying to schedule a series of luncheons and bachelor and bachelorette parties, a couple might
host one big appreciation party instead. Invited are attendants and anyone else who has given generously
of their time and ideas to help make the wedding wonderful. The appreciation party is often a casual
affair, a barbecue or picnic, especially if the rehearsal dinner is to be formal. It is usually held just before
the wedding, when everyone has gathered, and is another prime opportunity for the bride and groom to
give their attendants gifts of appreciation. An appreciation party can also be held after the couple returns
from their honeymoon, if their attendants and special friends live close enough to attend.
Activities for Out of Town Guests
If there is open time in the wedding celebrations schedule, you may want to provide your out of town
guests with a list of local activities, sports centers, museums, and other attractions, along with addresses
and phone numbers. Here's where you can get creative: your town may have a singular attraction that may
be a must-see for any person new to the area. You might even provide tickets or passes. Don't make an
activity mandatory, however---simply provide irresistible options. You might ask a friend to gather local
information for you to arrange in an attractive "welcome pack" that will await guests at the hotel.
Great Activities
Golf tournament foursomes
Tennis tournament or round-robin
Vollyball,softball, croquet, or badminton
Spa treatments
Hikes led by a naturalist
Yoga class
Guided bus tour
Visit to an art museum, botanical garden, historic estate,or other local attraction
Boat tour
Snorkeling expedition
Bingo games
Movie night with popcorn (outdoors if weather permits)
Game area set up with checkers, cards, bridge, and mah-jongg
Poker tournament
Winery tour or a tasting of local wines with the hotel's sommelier
Cooking class with local flavor (can often be arranged at the hotel)
Your (Even more) Exciting Life Starts Here
1. Uncover your erotic artistic side and draw on your husband-and have him do the same to you-with non
toxic body paints, available from 1001loincloths.com
2. Volunteer for your presidential candidate of choice or a local political campaign. Even one day of
passing out leaflets can lead to fascinating conversation and contacts. To get involved, look under
“Political Organizations” in the yellow pages.
3. Learn how to belly dance-its great exercise (and a great way to turn on your guy). For classes near you,
mood music, and costumes, shake your booty on over to www.shira.net.
4. Whoosh along thrilling white-water rapids. To find an outfitter anywhere in the world:
www.riversearch.com.
5. Enroll in an acting class at a nearby college’s theater arts program, or join a community theatre group.
Why? Receiving applause is electrifying.
6. Start saving now so you can parade down boisterous streets next February at the New Orleans’ Mardi
Gras-famous as America’s rowdiest party. www.mardigrasneworleans.com
7. Attend a comedy club and feel your spirits lift. If you dare, try open mike night and give’em your
juiciest jokes.
8. Conquer a rock-climbing wall. To find one, check a health club, community center, or high school.
9. Enroll in a Latin dance class with your guy and learn to salsa, cha-cha, tango, and rumba. Check out
studios nationwide at www.arthurmurray.com.
10. Go skinny-dipping. For a list of good East Coast hideaways, have a splash with
www.swimmingholes.org.
11.Role-play with sexual fantasy. For great costumes and props, visit www.allcostumes.com.
12.Indulge in a tandem massage-two therapists who stroke you at the same time. For therapists near you,
check out www.experienceispa.com.
13. Put a message in a bottle and send your words out to sea.
14. Have a reaffirmation ceremony in Las Vegas. (Ask for an Elvis look-alike witness.)
For info requirements and chapel sites: www.lasvegastourism.com
15. On vacation, rent a red convertible or a silver Corvette.
16. Become your social circle’s favorite hostess: Host a fiesta (con tacos and margaritas-ole!) or a tiki party
(replete with lomi lomi salad-made with marinated salmon and veggies-and mai tais). Crank up music to
match. Pass out fill in the blank trivia sheets to harness guests’ fun facts, then ask everyone to guess who’s
who and what’s what.
17. Ogle the star-and planet-filled sky at an observatory with an astronomer. Call your nearest university
planetarium, which may host celestial viewings not usually open to the public.
18. Make friends with gravity! Jump out of an airplane-with a parachute-via the skydiving operators at
www.1800skyride.com Or plunge tethered to a bungee cord (bungeezone.com).
19.See re-hot lava erupt, snorkel with sleek manta rays, and stroll a black sand beach on Hawaii’s Big
Island. To plan your trip, check out www.bigisland.gohawaii.com
20. Start a “what-if? Journal. Write in it and wonder: What if you quit your job…got a tattoo…told your
guy a secret sexual fantasy. Just asking “what if?” may jump start some action?
21. Find your inner artist. Enroll in a pottery or painting class, or have your portrait painted. Check out the
art department at a nearby college.
22. Scan the yellow pages for area restaurants serving cuisine you may never have tried-perhaps Ethiopian
or Korean. Make a reservation.
23. Run a mile-or a marathon. For training tips, gear, and events race to www.runnersworld.com.
24. Relish a bird’s eye view of the Grand Canyon. Hire a helicopter and swoop past awesome scenery via
www.papillon.com or www.looktours.com
25. For an easy way to expand your horizons, explore a never before taken route home from your job.
26. Become certified in scuba diving. For info on lessons, equipment and where to go see
www.scubadiving.com.
27. Make love in your car. Make love up against a wall. Make love on top of your kitchen table.
28. Learn a new language. Check your yellow pages under “Language Schools”, contact a local college, or
get great, easy to work with software from www.languagequest.com. Then travel to a place where you’ll
use it.
29. Drive historic Route 66-also known as “The Mother Road” and “The Main Street of America”from
Chicago to Los Angeles. Take photos of all the neat diners you eat in along the way.
30. Try new exotic fruits. Bite into succulent tropicals, such as rambutan and longan, available by mail
through hulabrothers.com.
31. Play strip poker with your husband. Deal out the steamy cards from www.gamesoftheheart.com.
32. Relish the Chinese New Year in San Francisco www.sanfranciscochinatown.com or New York
www.gonyc.about.com/od/chinesenewyear this coming February.
33. Just once (since childhood!) eat spaghetti with your fingers.
34. Take up the dashing sport of fencing. Log on to fencing.net for info on lessons, history and equipment.
35. Hit local food fests-from wildgame extravaganzas (such as West Virginia’s tongue in cheek Roadkill
Cook Off) to spicy gatherings (say Louisiana’s Cajun Hot Sauce Festival).
36. Find long lost high school chums through www.classmates.com
37. Master the martini-called the world’s most elegant cocktail. Peruse www.mymartini.com
38. Go ahead-try out a new hair color. Use a temporary dye, like L’Oreal’s Colorspa Moisture Actif or
Clairol’s Natural Instincts, which both last through 24 to 28 shampoos.
39. Get free audience tickets to a TV show taping in New York (www.nytix.com) or Los Angeles
(www.tvtickets.com).
40. Book the penthouse suite at the fanciest hotel in town. For discount rates, check out
www.travelocity.com.
41. Peer into your possible past lives-or your future-with a fortuneteller. For a free tarot reading, see
fortunetellerlive.com
42. Ride the world’s fastest, tallest, or longest roller coaster. Take your pick at
www.ultimaterollercoaster.com
43. Host a murder-mystery dinner party for adult friends. For inventive plots, visit
www.tailormademysteries.com or www.murdermysterygames.com.
44. Go for a spin on a tandem bike for two. Rent one at a local bike shop.
45. Plan a weekend camping trip, especially if you’ve never spend a night under the stars. To begin, have a
look at the advice at camping.about.com
46. Grow a rarified type of green thumb. Try bonsai trees (the American Bonsai Society:
www.absbonsai.org
47. Shed your inhibitions on a clothing optional beach. For the best U.S. spots:
www.beachesfoundation.org.
48. Kick it up a notch. Catch the hottest fitness trend-martial-arts fusion-that combines Asian practices like
karate with moves from yoga, body sculpting, and step. Ask your health club about it.
49. Enroll in a cooking class, such as Italian desserts. No course nearby? Inquire whether a restaurant chef
would pull together an evening group lesson (round up your friends). Then, throw a buffet dinner party,
showcasing your newfound talent.
50. Explore your equine side. Ask a local stable about horseback riding classes.
51. Never been out of the country? Tuck a passport in your purse-just knowing it’s there (and that you can
hop on an international flight at any time) is a thrill. For details on how to apply: www.travel.state.gov
How I conquered my greatest fear...... www.phobialist.com
"I was in Bermuda with my family and was going to snorkel. I didn't realize I was claustrophobic! When I
put the snorkel mask on and tried to put my head in the water, I panicked. I was really disappointed. I was
determined though, to overcome this and get to snorkel. When I get back home, I took my snorkel and fins
and spent a little time each day going around the pool until I became comfortable. At first I would only last
a few seconds. Gradually, though, I learned to relax and calm down before I put my head in the water.
Now I enjoy snorkeling----I even had the pleasure of snorkeling beside a sea turtle the next summer in
Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. My determination and patience paid off." Deanna Allen
African American Traditions
Consider walking down the aisle to the beat of African drummers. Their presence is significant because
during the days of slavery, it was illegal for a person of African descent to play them. (It was thought to
be a form of covert communication between slaves.) If the use of drums during the processional is too
much for you, consider using them during the recessional only.
African Americans in increasing numbers are weaving the traditions of their forebears into their ceremony
and reception plans. At some African American wedding ceremonies newlyweds “jump the broom”, a
custom that originated during the era of slavery in early nineteenth century America.
Slaves were not permitted to marry, so they developed their own ritual of crossing staff like sticks that
symbolized the strength and vitality of trees. The custom, intended to honor and bless their new life
together, drew no objection from the slave masters, who permitted a couple to stand before witnesses,
pledge their devotion to each other, then jump over a broom-a symbol of the start of the couple’s
homemaking.
Behind the Tradition
The Lavish African American Reception
According to Harriette Cole, author of Jumping the Broom, the tradition of celebrating an African
American wedding with a lavish reception feast represents the couple's entry into the community. In the
past, the entire village was often invited to break bread in celebration of the new couple, so the food
served was very important--as it is today. These rituals help keep the spirit of family and community
alive, and food takes on a sacred symbolism.
Appreciate the Presents He Gives You
Some of us are careless about wearing and carrying husband presents or we exchange them for something
we like better. You ought to keep exchanging to a minimum. “For years I took back everything Ralph gave
me”, says my friend Ellen. “Why pay fifty dollars for an ounce of Arpege at Saks,( those were the good old
days). I figured, when I could bring it home from Paris for twenty-five dollars. Well, he finally stopped
giving me anything! He’s started again, thank goodness, and I wear and use everything!
A few men believe they ought not to have to “pay”, that they should be loved for themselves alone. These
men must be taken firmly by the hand. Of course you love him for himself alone, of course he doesn’t have
to pay, but presents are a talisman of love.
Men always give presents to women they love…Such a sexy and pleasurable act you don’t want him to
miss the fun of. Make a big to do about anything he gives you-wear it to bed unless it’s a toaster. Keep
educating, encouraging.
Our 50 Funniest (True) Stories
The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given
me. "Those must be real diamonds," she said. "Yes," I said. How could you tell?" "Because she said,"no
one buys fake diamonds that small." Deborah Caudell
I Can’t Stand the Clothes Boyfriend Bought for Me
Q: My boyfriend bought me a ton of clothes for my birthday. While he is a really sweet guy, he has the
most awful sense of fashion in the world! Of course, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I pretended to
like them. And now I’m running out of excuses why I never wear them. How can I let him know I
appreciate the thought-but not his taste? Y.P. Hollywood, Florida
A: You MUST be honest. Otherwise it will be an expensive mistake he’ll make over and over. You’re just
going to have to admit the clothes don’t suit you. Explain why you pretended to like them. It shows how
much you care about him. Then tell him that you really love the pleasure of choosing your own outfits. Ask
him to either give you gift certificates from now on, or simply take you shopping. That way, he’ll be giving
you what YOU want, and you’ll be giving him the pleasure of choosing them with you. Good luck
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sure Ways to Please a Man
Be on time. Women rarely are.
Compliment him a lot. You almost can’t overdo it…his clothes, his taste, his dog, his feet, his cooking,
his charm, his family, his rock collection…they are all the greatest.
Rave about his brain. “What a brilliant idea!” “That’s a perfect solution”. “How did you think of that?”
“Well, I’m sure that got the meeting moving again!” etc., etc.
Pay attention to what he drinks and learn to mix it flawlessly…the perfect martini (with Bombay gin?), a
Manhattan (sweet or dry?), gin or scotch on the rocks (with a twist?). If he drinks beer, carry his brand. Get
Russian or Polish vodka. For a nondrinker, carry his favorites.
Learn how to light his cigar-like Gigi. It’s a precise little routine and takes practice. A man, not
necessarily this one, will show you.
Research any project he’s interested in. Helping him in his work is a nearly foolproof way to ingratiate
yourself.
More things to do in the early stages
Listen. Don’t talk too much. No matter how often he says “Tell me about you,” don’t go overboard. Who
you are will gradually come out. It is somehow wrong for a woman ever to do a complete history at one
sitting, deliver a monologue- and never announce chirpily one afternoon (presumably having soul-searched
for years), “ I think I’m getting to like myself better!”
Research his life totally…from what he says, but talking to his friends, family, coworkers. Read anything
written about him. Men love to talk about their past even if they aren’t that old, about college days, favorite
relatives, summer vacations. If a man has been in any war-World War Two, Korean, Vietnam-you usually
can’t go wrong asking him about it. (A few will demur, most like to talk.) That experience is a Big Deal.
Tell him the period fascinates you…what was it like?
Woman Needs Advice on Outfit
Dear Annie:
My husband "Sal" and I will be spending a romantic weekend away next month without the children.
Yesterday, a package arrived for me. Sal had bought me an outfit for the occasion---a short black leather
skirt, fishnet stockings, knee high black leather boots, a chain belt, and a red silky blouse. Sal is a very
visual guy, and I know he likes seeing me wear provacative clothing. But, Annie, I'm 45 years old and
retired my short skirts years ago.
I showed a close friend the outfit, and she thinks I should loosen up a little and wear it out to a club. Part of
me secretly wants to do this as I'm getting older and won't have too many more opportunities. However, I
worry I will run into someone I know, although that possibility is minimal.
Should I take a chance and wear the outfit somewhere or just put it on in the privacy of our hotel room? I'm
taking your advice, as you always seem to have an excellent approach to most issues. No State Sue
Dear No State Sue:
We are usually in favor of accommodating a spouse's fantasy, as long as no one gets hurt. If your sole
objection is the slight chance that someone might recognize you, consider wearing a wig to complete the
fantasy. (Sal would probably love it). Or take along a trench coat to cover up. However, if you would be
too inhibited to enjoy yourself, save the outfit for your hotel room. It won't be any fun if you keep hiding
behind the potted plant.
“A few months back, I went through a leather phase- that’s all I wanted to wear. One night for a blind date,
I thought it would look hot to pair a leather mini with a thigh high leather boots. My date said he’d be the
one holding a red rose. When I arrived at our designated meeting spot, I was pleasantly surprised-they guy
was a major babe.
I approached him and whispered in his ear from behind, “Are you ready for the night of your life”? He
turned around, eyeballed me from head to toe, and said, “I’m not the kind of guy who has to pay for sex”.
I was so mortified that I simply walked away. That night, he called my machine several times wondering
why I stood him up, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit what happened.” Doreen 32
Husband Wants Wife to Ditch Bra on Weekend
May 5, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
How would you profile a 33 year old man who will not let his 31 year old wife wear a bra? At night, on
weekends, and almost any other time I am not at work, my husband insists I go braless.
At 31, and being fairly well endowed, I am concerned that my breasts will sag from the lack of support. I
haven't seen any evidence of that yet, but still, the dresses my husband likes me to wear are fairly low cut. I
find myself getting disapproving glances from women at the grocery store and other kinds of glances from
teenage boys at the movies. My husband says bras are unnatural and he likes the slight bounce.
I love my husband and feel I should do this for him, but wish he didn't ask it of me. What should I do?
Not Drooping Yet in Ohio
Dear Ohio:
Whether or not to wear a bra should be up to you, not your husband. You are not obligated to do anything
that makes you uncomfortable, even for your husband, and he should not be a tyrant about it. Try to find a
reasonable compromise. For example, you might offer to go braless on weekends, but not when your
running errands. The fact that your husband gets his jollies putting you on display is no reason to be more
accommodating than you wish to be.
Accommodation Cards
Listing names of and information about the hotels where you've blocked off room for your guests.
Afternoon Tea
Hold an early afternoon wedding followed by tea in a ballroom or lounge. Seat everyone at tables and offer
a tea menu with individual pots of tea, giving guests a choice of loose leaf black teas, green teas, white
teas, and herbal teas. (You should also offer coffee to those who want it). Champagne or another sparkling
wine makes lovely tea accompaniment. Put out tiered platters of finger sandwiches, biscuits with ham,
scones, and petits fours. And, of course, you should make the wedding cake part of the tea service. You
don't need a full bar with an afternoon tea---if you're serving alcohol at all, wine and champagne should be
sufficient. A jazz or classical quartet, pianist, or harpist would provide the right musical note.
After Party
If you're having an after party or lounge, keep it basic with a deejay or an MP3 player. (Couples with skys
the limit budgets have been known to bring in big name entertainers for a late night set). The crowd will
have thinned out, so the music can be geared strictly to the couple and their contemporaries: It's all about
dance music.
And After the After Party
Your finally alone. The room is lit with candles, and someone thoughtfully scattered rose petals on the
bridal bed. It should be natural to feel amorous under these circumstances, right? After all, it's your
wedding night.
But guess what? You're both tired. Bone tired. What you probably need most is something to eat, a glass of
water (you're dehydrated after all that champagne), and a good night's sleep. Don't worry if you don't have
great sex at all---on your wedding night. After all, that's what the honeymoon is for!
One Gown or Two?
It's not uncommon for celebrities and brides with big budget weddings to opt for two dresses, one for the
ceremony and another for the reception. We can all understand the attraction what girl wouldn't love to
wear two dream dresses? But I find the two gown trend excessive. One dress is special; two dresses dilute
the effect of both. Besides, a wedding gown is an expensive proposition; instead of fragmenting the budget,
channel more money into the single dress or use it for something that will have a payoff for guests---
provide transportation from the hotel to the wedding, for instance.
There's also the question of a second dress for the after party. Brides who have planned a late night lounge
atmosphere often want a cocktail dress to change into, and that's fine, as long as it's within your budget.
Choose something you love that you can wear again, but keep it in the cocktail dress price range.
To change your look without springing for two outfits, cover your shoulders with a wonderful shrug or
jacket during the ceremony and ditch it for the reception, or opt for a detachable train.
Alcohol Free Reception
Ask Mindy
Q: How much alcohol will people drink? I'm not a drinker myself, and I'm considering having a dry
wedding. Will people resent me?
A: I've done one dry wedding, and it was my hardest. The bride and groom were both recovering
alcoholics and I understood why they wanted to do it that way. But it turns out that it really affected the
energy of the wedding. People didn't dance. It's unfortunate that we have to depend on alcohol to let loose,
but we do. It took so much time to get people out and dancing, so much energy to get everyone laughing.
People are inhibited; they don't want to be first in the buffet line or on the dance floor.
I would consider just serving wine. Or you could always try a morning wedding and a brunch, when people
won't expect a band and dancing. (Serve great coffee). If you do an evening weding, the expectation is that
alcohol will be served.
Altar Flowers
Restrictions aside, the altar or ceremony area should be your primary area of focus; not only is that where
you'll become husband and wife, it's also where all eyes will be.
Altar flowers should be to scale with the ceremony space. The bigger the wedding, the grander the
ceremony flowers will need to be to hold their own. At a hotel or estate, in a tent, or outdoors, you'll
probably need to create and define your aisle and ceremony area, which means you'll need more in the the
way of flowers and decorations.
Floral Arches and Gazebos
A floral arch or arbor provides a romantic backdrop for the ceremony. Sometimes the oppportunity
presents itself; at one wedding I did in Napa Valley, the trees grew sideways and created a roof. We placed
tables underneath and made the most of the natural canopy by adding lighting to the trees and hanging
candles from the branches.
I love to see an arch at both the beginning and end of the aisle. It's more expensive, of course, but the dual
arches define the area beautifully, particularly at an outdoor wedding.
Arches, arbors, and similar garden like structures are handled by floral designers, who will rent or build
them, install them on-site, and disassemble them after the ceremony.
If your site features a gazebo, consider draping garlands of flowers or foliage around the exterior or
hanging pomanders or flower baskets from the ceiling. If the vows will take place in the gazebo, just be
sure that the florals don't block anyone's view.
If your wedding is taking place outdoors or in an open space, consider renting columns or statues to help
define the entrance to the aisle. Then have flowers tumble over the tops of the columns for a stunning, love
among the ruins effect.
Acupressure www.acupressure.com
A traditional treatment in Chinese medicine, acupressure is based on the belief that the body has energy
pathways, or meridians; when the energy is blocked, you feel stressed and out of whack. An acupressurist
applies pressure to points throughout the body to release the flow of energy and restore balance. A session
will leave you alert and energized.
Amaranthus
When you need a flower that drips from high urns, baskets, or arbors, amaranthus fits the bill. It's most
often used at the ceremony and in tall centerpieces.
It's a very distinctive looking flower, so people tend to either love it or hate it.
Alternative (Ceremony Site) Options
Arrange to be married at a local historic mansion, famous garden, art gallery, or historical site. Some
couples wed on rented yachts, others in private rail cars. Perhaps the spot where he proposed, or a place
special to the two of you would be best. The options are as wide as your imaginations if you want
something ‘different’ for your ceremony.
Some sites have special rules and requirements. For example, some museums insist that you become a
patron or benefactor to use their space, and some landmark sites don't allow religious services. City parks
are often reserved for resident-use only; and at certain private clubs, you must be a member or have a
member act as your sponsor before you are allowed to reserve the site---sometimes before you are allowed
to reserve the site--sometimes before you are even allowed to view it. Don't let any of that scare you off,
though. You never know when slow business, a friendly manner, or a last-minute cancellation will inspire
exceptions to the rules.
Location, Location, Location
If a big deal location is not a big deal for you, check first with your house of worship; many have attached
or affiliated halls in which you can host your shindig for a lot less than say, a big hotel of fancy catering
hall. You might also look into locations where you'll only have a small fee, like a public park, museum, or
historic building. (Even though you'll then have to factor in catering costs, you'll usually have more room
to negotiate such things as food and liquor with individual vendors than you might with a catering hall,
hotel, or restaurant, which often have established per person prices ). And, if you have your heart set on a
location that commands big bucks, you can still save more money; consider planning an afternoon or
weeknight affair. In addition, there are a few months of the year, like January and February, during which
prices can often be negotiated.
18 Couples Trade Wedding Vows at Historic Mansion
June 8, 2008 The Blade
The mansion, listed in the National Register of Historic Places, houses a four bedroom bed and breakfast.
The inn also hosts about 80 parties each year, most of them weddings, said Don Spurlin, who runs the inn
along with his wife, Brenda.
American Public Gardens Association http://www.aabga.org
Historical http://www.tps.cr.nps.gov/nhl
Botanical Gardens http://www.aabga.org
San Diego Association of Yacht Clubs http://www.sdayc.org
Do your Homework!
I was married at the Motel 6, and it was much worse than this. First of all there was a murder a couple of
rooms down from mine, and there was quite a bit of police activity that interfered with our ceremony. We
then went to the pool for our reception, and there were several guests floating in the pool, dead from
apparent overdoses. In addition, the resident hookers were servicing guests in the restrooms.
And then to make matters worse, the Denny’s that we had contracted to cater our affair, decided not to
deliver because of the murder. We were forced to serve our guests stale oranges, cheese and crackers and
warm Dr. Pepper from the vending machines.
It was an unforgettable affair. Lee Ving-San Francisco, California
The Personal Touch
At-Home Ceremony Tips
If you're having an evening wedding outdoors, line your walkway with white paper bags filled with sand
and luminaria candles. Hang Japanese lanterns in the trees or on ropes from tree to tree.
Borrow or rent chairs from a church, school, social club, or rental company for seating your guests.
Hang a wedding banner on the front porch, or rent topiary or potted trees to place in the entrance.
Recruit neighborhood children to usher, take guests' coats, and even give corsages and nosegays to special
guests.
Hire off-duty police or responsible teens as parking valets.
Avoid having muddy footprints in the house---don't water the lawn the day of your ceremony!
At-Home Ceremony
What could be more personal than holding your wedding right in your own backyard? Maybe you or
someone in our family has a lush garden or cozy living room that's just as beautiful as any hotel or hall. It
is also a great way to save money: since you don't have to rent a space, you'll have more to spend on other
details, such as food, drinks, a band, your gown, your honeymoon, and so on. But don't forget that there
will be other expenses. You'll need to look into renting chairs and tables, a dance floor, lighting, heat or
air conditioning depending on the season, and if you're having it outside, possibly a tent--just in case of
rain--as well as decorating and catering costs. Plus, consider hiring help to serve and clean up afterward.
Cost: Moderate to inexpensive
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good
for red ants?" "No." says the salesperson. "It'll kill em!" Donald Clements
Do your Homework!
We paid $7,300.00 for my daughter’s wedding & people had to leave because the gnats were so bad. I have
e-mailed the owner and told her how upset I was especially when my stepdaughter had to go to the doctor
for these gnats, and everyone told me how horrible the bugs were. The wedding itself was beautiful, but the
service was horrible, bugs in our drinks and food and my daughter had no one to throw her bouquet to
because everyone left early, she was near tears.
They picked up the food 45 minutes early and the bar closed early because the staff couldn’t even stand the
bugs. The owner had 2 bug machines in the front of her place but they were not used.
I have asked her to give me a refund of $1,300 (45 minutes lost) plus the cost of the doctor’s appointment
and medication and she refused to get back to me. She has bounced all emails back to me. She knows I am
with in my rights to ask for this refund.
The Wedding Team
The Baker: Tips on the Anniversary Cake
It's a special tradition to freeze part of your wedding cake and share it with your partner on your first
anniversary.
Many couples choose to freeze only one piece of cake and save the pretty top layer to be eaten at the
reception.
Often couples don't like the idea of eating a year-old, possibly freezer burned cake, preferring to take it out
of the freezer and share it on their one-month anniversary.
If you are going the one-year in the freezer route, be sure to freeze the cake (delegate someone to be
responsible for doing this) as soon as possible after the reception. Ideally it should be taken out of the
cake box and placed in plastic wrap and then aluminum foil.
Ask the Experts
Q: We’ve heard that many couples save a piece of their wedding cake, freeze it, and eat it on their first
anniversary. Does the cake taste okay after all that time?
A:Actually, it’s not really a good idea to eat anything that’s been frozen for more than two or three months.
Many couples still follow this tradition, but the cake usually ends up freezer burned and tasteless. Instead,
enjoy the cake at your reception.
Q: If you want to save the top tier of your wedding cake so you can eat it on your first anniversary, how do
you make sure the cake is still delicious a year later?
A: First of all, the cake should be stored in the freezer. It would never last a year in the refrigerator. Also,
make sure the package you put the cake in is airtight. If it means putting it in a Tupperware container and
then in a Ziploc bag, do it. Otherwise, the cake will end up not tasting like the delicious wedding cake you
shared on your big day but like a mixture of the cardboard cake container and the freezer.
Both of my parents work and lead hectic lives. So my father was bound to forget their wedding
anniversary.
Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationery store, flew through the door, and breathlessly
asked the salesclerk, " Where are the anniversary cards?" To his surprise, he heard my mother call out,
"Over here, Bill." Elizabeth Random
Keeping the Tradition
The year was 1972. Noel and I had just gotten married in southern California and were traveling by car to
our new life together in Pennsylvania. My in-laws offered to pack the top layer of our wedding cake in dry
ice and mail it after we got settled in our attic apartment.
Sure enough, a few weeks later the package arrived. We eagerly unpacked it and placed it in our "freezer"
a small metal box mounted inside the back of the refrigerator. The cake filled the entire compartment. Now
we had a serious choice to make.
After some thought, a little deliberation, and a lot of conversation, we decided to forfeit ice cube trays and
ice cream for the next twelve months---in honor of tradition. It was a big price to pay, but eating the cake
top on our first anniversary would make it worthwhile.
One year later our anniversary arrived. I gently removed the package from the freezer and was relieved to
see that our perfectly preserved top layer looked as fresh as it had on our wedding day. I made a nice
dinner while it defrosted and Noel prepared for our celebration. When the meal was over, I ceremoniously
handed the cake knife to Noel and asked him to do the honors and cut the first slice.
Noel pressed down on the knife.
"Something doesn't feel right," he said, pressing harder. We heard a strange noise, a squeaky crunch.
"Something doesn't sound right." What was wrong with the cake? Noel slid the small piece onto a dessert
plate. We stared in disbelief, caught each other's eyes, and burst out laughing.
Styrofoam! Our "cake" top was iced Styrofoam!
And, to think, for an entire year we had sacrificed cold drinks and frozen desserts in anticipation of this
tradition event. After we finally quit chuckling, we raced straight to the store. Now we would really
celebrate....by stocking the freezer with ice cube trays and our favorite ice cream. Dr. Denise Enete
Arm Bouquets
Arm bouquets are crescent-shaped arrangements, curved slightly to fit on the arm. Because they are larger
than nosegays, they usually are best suited to long gowns.
At Home Cards
If the bride and groom wish to let friends know what their new address will be, they may insert an "at
home" card in with the invitation or wedding announcement. These cards traditionally read:
AT HOME (OR WILL BE AT HOME) AFTER JULY SECOND
1842 GRAND AVENUE
HOUSTON, TEXAS 77001
(898) 555-5321
The problem with the example above is that many people receiving these cards often put them away,
intending to enter them in an address book or file at some point in the future. When they come across the
card weeks, even months, later, they may find they can't recall just who will be "at home at 3842
Grand Avenue after July second." Therefore, even though you are not married at the time the invitation is
sent, it is perfectly all right to have an at home card printed with the couple's names:
Mr. and Mrs Bruce Moore
will be at home
(Etc.)
An at home card also gives the woman who plans to keep her own name the opportunity to let friends
know. In this case, the at home card would read: Peternelle Van Arsdale and Bryan Oettel will be at
home (Etc.)
Another Viewpoint
The Groom's Cousin Asks:
Can I Host a Shower for an Absentee Bride?
Q:My cousin is marrying a wonderful woman who lives a long way from here. Her work prevents her from
coming to town for a shower before the wedding. We have lots of friends and relatives who can't make
the wedding but who would love to honor the couple. Can I give the bride and groom a wedding shower
without their being present?
A:Certainly you can! Throw the bride and groom a proxy shower, the name for a shower given for a bride
who cannot attend or who lives far away. Although a proxy shower is an acceptable way of celebrating, it
can pose problems for the hostess who is responsible for sending the gifts to the bride. One solution is to
have the hostess ask guests to bring their gifts unwrapped so that everyone can see them. She then
provides a variety of wrapping paper and ribbons for the guests to wrap their gifts, so that she can pack
them into large cartons and mail them to the bride. At most proxy showers a telephone call is made to the
bride or the couple so that they can briefly join in the fun, long distance. Thank-you notes should be
written once the gifts have been received by the couple.
Do your Homework!
I have had numerous negative encounters at the ***, franchise location in the Sacramento, California area.
First, they charge about 40% more for UPS shipping than if you were to go to Office Depot or the regular
UPS counter. Second, one store advertises that they have a notary public on duty during business hours but
when I went to the store to get a document notarized last November, there was NO notary available. People
need to be aware of the price GOUGING and misrepresentations that go on with these rip off outfits like
******. The corporate office does not strictly control the pricing of services for their franchisees. As a
result, you get some greedy business franchisee’s like the one in Sacramento, that like to rip people off and
misrepresent the services that they have available!
Write a Wedding Thank-You Note
Send personalized thank-you notes to all of your gift-bearing wedding guests. This is your chance to let
them know how much you appreciate their thoughtful presents.
Consider ordering formal note cards with your married name or monogram on them. These cost about $150
and up for 50 cards, depending on the quality of paper and number of details you include. Order these
notes at the same time that you order your invitations.
You can also opt for preprinted thank-you notes from a card or stationery store. These are much less
expensive, and there are lots of styles to choose from. Expect to pay $5 to $10 for eight cards.
Be sure to purchase plenty of extra cards. You may receive more gifts than you expected.
Handwrite each note.
Mention each gift and tell the giver how you will use the item, if possible.
Refer to any special effort the person went to for you, such as traveling a long distance to attend the
wedding or giving a special toast.
Consider adding a line telling invited guests who were unable to attend the wedding how sorry you were
that they couldn’t be there with you.
Send separate notes for shower and wedding gifts. Even if you received two gifts from the same person
within a short period of time, each one deserves its own acknowledgement.
Be timely. According to etiquette guru Amy Vanderbilt, a thank-you note should be written within two to
three weeks of receiving a gift-six to eight weeks at the most.
Aisle Posts
Next, another option: Two ushers, one on either side of the aisle, pick up the folded pieces of white satin
streamers behind the front pews where the families are seated. Working at the same speed on either side of
the aisle, they pull back the ribbons, weaving them in and out of the aisle posts in a straight line, placing
the last loop of their ribbon over the last aisle post on their side of the aisle. This "seals in" the wedding
guests, so to speak, and the ribbons remain in place until the end of the ceremony, and until the wedding
party and the bride's and groom's families have left the church. (After the ceremony, the same ushers
carefully roll up the ribbons as they remove them from the aisle posts. When they have completed this job,
the wedding guests may rise, depart from the church, and head for the reception).
Aisle Runner
An aisle runner, if there is one, is discussed with the ushers. The timing and signals of placing the runner
are determined and discussed so that the officiant knows when the bride's mother has been seated, that the
bride has arrived, and when the service should begin.
Once the mothers are seated, it is time to place the aisle runner, if one is being used. Two ushers or the
junior ushers pick up the runner, place it at the foot of the chancel steps, and carefully draw it back down
the length of the aisle. A broad white ribbon may be put in place on either side of the aisle. The ribbons
should be folded at the ends of the last reserved pews. The ushers walk with the ribbons to the back of the
church, laying them over the end of each row. The ribbons should not be removed until the guests in the
reserved pews leave. After they are escorted out, the ushers will indicate that the remaining guests should
exit, starting at the front.
Aisle Carpet
Some couples like to have a white carpet rolled up the aisle before the bridal attendants and bride come
down the aisle. Some houses of worship have them available as a service or for a small fee. If not, most
florists or limousine services can provide them. The "white carpet" is actually just a pressed fiber strip,
although sometimes canvas runners are still used. (Ask your officiant's advice. Some feel that aisle carpets
are a terrible trip hazard). Confirm when and how it is rolled out and how many ushers are required to
place it successfully. It is a good idea, if possible, for the ushers to rehearse this maneuver. The head
usher designates which ushers will be responsible for rolling out the aisle carpet and which ones will
place and later remove any ribbons along the ends of the pews.
Q: During the wedding, do I walk down the aisle on my father's right arm or his left?
A:You will take your father's left arm as you walk down the aisle. This way your father will be on your
right when your groom joins you from the right at the altar.
A Question for Peggy
Too Many Fathers
Q: I have a problem deciding who should walk me down the aisle. Naturally my father would be the
logical choice, but my stepfather helped raise me and is an important part of my life. What do I do?
A: One of the greatest difficulties for brides today is choosing between a father and a stepfather as the
person to "give her away". It is no easy choice, especially when she is close to both. The most diplomatic
decision may be to fall back on tradition and ask her biological father to escort her up the aisle. However, it
is acceptable for her to choose her stepfather if she feels she is closer to him. The decision may become
cloudy again in the event that her father has stepped forward to pay for the wedding. Some brides take a
different route and have their mothers escort them. Others choose to walk alone or to have a brother or
uncle do the honors.
It is rare that both fathers escort their daughter, but it's not unheard of---as long as they are friendly and
share affection for the bride. Under no circumstances, however, would a bride have her divorced mother
and father escort her up the aisle if either has remarried. This would be inappropriate and confusing, not to
mention potentially painful an threatening to the new spouses. If they are divorced but have not remarried,
it would still be better for the bride to walk with her father and let her mother be seated before the
ceremony.
Dear Miss Manners:
What is the proper role of the father of the bride when the bride chooses her stepfather to walk her down
the aisle? There is no estrangement between father and daughter and he has provided financial and
emotional support from infancy through college. The bride simply feels closer to her stepfather, having
lived with him and her mother almost all her life. Surely the father’s role does not just become that of a
guest. But I have heard no alternative offered that would give an honored role to the father at the wedding
and/or reception.
Gentle Reader:
The proper role of the father in these circumstances is to beam. He must project this beam so that no one
has any excuse for believing that his daughter or her stepfather has slighted him, or that he is miffed at
either of them.
He may certainly be in the receiving line, if the stepfather and the father of the bridegroom are; if they
choose to circulate as hosts instead, he may do the same. This consists of welcoming guests, seeing to it
that no one is stranded, and confessing to them that he can hardly imagine his little girl is old enough to be
married.
Presuming there is no animosity among different parts of the family, he should be seated with the other
parents at the wedding breakfast. He may so assume-not necessarily exclusively-such fatherly privileges as
offering a toast to the couple, enjoying an early dance with the bride, and enjoining the bridegroom to take
good care of her.
Woman Questions Future with Dad
Dear Annie:
I am a 22 year old college educated woman preparing to marry my high school sweetheart. My parents
divorced when I was 11 years old. My father had been emotionally and physically abusive toward my
mother. My younger sister and I stayed with Dad in order to continue going to our local school, but we
witnessed many nasty arguments about custody arrangements and support money.
My father became physically and emotionally abusive toward my sister and me, and we had to get the
police involved. We decided to move to our mother's house and things were dramatically better. I haven't
spoken to or visited my father in two years after a phone call that ended with me crying uncontrollably. In
an attempt to make my sister and me feel guilty for his failures, he sent a letter blaming us for not having a
relationship with him.
Despite the emotional and hurtful phone calls, the guilt, and the depression, I'm ready to forgive him. I'm
afraid I would regret not inviting my father to my wedding, and all the years without a father in my life
have hurt me deeply. However, knowing he hasn't changed, do you think it would be worthwhile to salvage
some sort of relationship? Needing a Father in the Midwest
Dear Midwest:
If a relationship is important to you, then yes, but only if you can protect yourself against your father's
manipulations and abuse. Send him a wedding invitation if you wish, but be careful if he starts making
demands to walk you down the aisle. Don't expect too much. Keep phone calls short. Don't ever visit him
alone. If he becomes abusive, hang up or leave immediately.
Dear Annie:
I'm getting married, and my father promised to give me away. Now that the wedding is actually coming
up, however, he's backing out.
Dad has some kind of phobia. He doesn't like to be around a lot of people, and he hates traveling because
he doesn't like to stay in motels. Our family only recently learned about this when Dad didn't go to my
graduation.
I am completely crushed that my father won't walk me down the aisle, and I can't stop crying. This is
supposed to be a really happy time in my life, and now, I'm so sad. I really want him to be a part of my day.
Soon to Be Mrs
Dear Soon:
Keep in mind that your father is equally crushed. It sounds as if he may have agoraphobia and fears a full
blown panic attack. Ask your father, for your sake as well as his, to seek medical help.
We can't promise that he will get his phobia under control in time for the wedding, but the celebration
provides a great incentive. He should ask his doctor for a referral to a therapist who also can prescibe
medication, if needed. And if Dad doesn't make it down the aisle, bring the bridegroom to the house after
the reception and have photos taken.
Bride Won't Let Dad Walk her Down the Aisle
Dear Carolyn:
My friend has been looking forward to walking his daughter, 26, down the aisle at her May wedding. He's
always been very involved in her life, and believed they were close. He and her mother divorced four
years ago and went through bitter legal wrangling that put him deeply in debt. He is unable to help
financially with the wedding, which the couple is paying for. She just informed Dad that he brother (her
only sibling, 23) will give her away, because her brother is her "best friend".
Dad is deeply hurt. He is an upbeat guy who always sees the silver lining, but he can't get over his
disappointment. He feels that, because the bride's father typically plays such a visible and symbolic role,
she is sending a message about how little she cares for and respects him.
He tried to tell her how hurt he is. She basically said "It's my wedding and I can do whatever I want."
Which is true, of course, but certainly doesn't reflect empathy for her dad's feelings. (She rejected options
he suggested, such as mother and father walking her down the aisle).
How does Dad put his hurt feelings aside and enjoy the wedding? Not only is he feeling like he doesn't
want to attend, he is perplexed that his son agreed to this. Friend of Dad
Did you two discuss this by passing notes in class? Mr. Upbeat needs to grow up. I don't know who
started what in their divorce, but when custody is no longer an issue, "bitterly" takes two. Both parents
squandered their right to act surprised at reduced roles in future milestone occasions. Where's Daddy's
empathy for his daughter, who watched her parents tear into each other?
Clearly I may be wrong about her motives. Certainly, too, almost anyone in his place would be hurt. But
someone who resolves to be the bigger person sounds like a mensch.
Someone who, ahem, "basically says" he doesn't want to go to the wedding? Sounds like a narcissist.
In other words, where's your skepticism of an adult who pouts? Self-pity is a lousy cause; please don't
advance it.
Acceptance Ceremony
If you're a bride who is looking for an alternative to being "given away", the Acceptance Ceremony may be
the perfect substitute for this portion of the wedding ceremony. Many brides who are older, or who are
marrying for a second time, feel being "given away" isn't appropriate in their situations. Other brides who
do not have a father in attendance find this a nice alternative to selecting an honorary person to give them
away.
In the "Acceptance Ceremony," the officiant asks if there are family members from both the bride's and
groom's families who wish to stand and express a few words accepting the new spouse into their family.
The officiant may start with either the bride's or groom's family first. Ahead of time, select one or two
relatives from each side to speak, so they will have something prepared. Others may choose to join in after
the originally-chosen members have spoken. If either the bride or groom has children from a previous
marriage, those children should be included in the ceremony and should be accepted into the new family
along with the parent. Be sure they are mentioned by name in the speech.
Time Availability
The lag time between the ceremony and the reception is often dependent on several factors--including
whether formal photographs of the wedding party will be taken after the ceremony, and if so, the time it
will take to do so; the distance from the ceremony site to the reception site; whether a receiving line will
be held at the ceremony site or not; and the time availability of both spaces. The ideal lag time is just
thirty minutes. While that may not be possible, you should avoid keeping reception guests waiting and
aim for as short a lag time as possible.
Q:We’re planning our wedding, and there’s a three hour gap between our ceremony and the reception. I
don’t think it’s a big deal, but my fiancé says it’s rude to our guests. Why?
A:No doubt you and your groom will find something to keep you occupied for three hours-taking photos,
for instance. It would be a drag for your guests, though, if they had to return home or to a hotel room for
several hours. So that you don’t break the momentum of your special day, it’s best to schedule your
wedding-day events closer together.
Wedding Album
It is a very nice gesture if a family member purchases three attractive photo albums to hold the various
wedding photographs and presents one to the bride and groom; one to the parents of the bride; and one to
the parents of the groom. Each album should be lettered with the couple's name or initials and the date of
their wedding. It becomes a treasured keepsake to be handed down to future generations.
Ask about Acoustics. Your music choices may not be the best for the acoustics of your ceremony site. Ask
the officiant or music director what type of music and instruments sound best in the space.
Audio (Microphones)
International Association of Audio Visual Communicators http://www.cindys.com
International Society of Certified Electronics Technicians http://www.iscet.org 1-800-946-0201
Boom Microphones.The boom microphone is the one you've often seen, which sticks up in the air and
picks up every sound in the room. Besides being the least effective, it is also cumbersome, and not
commonly used anymore.
Wired Microphones. This method of obtaining sound is done through the use of a small microphone
which has a wire that is connected to the camera. The microphone is usually clipped onto the groom,
officiant or podium. The biggest problem with this type of microphone is that it limits your movement.
Wireless Microphones. The small wireless microphone is probably the most popular means of picking up
the audio on wedding videos today. The sound picked up by this small microphone is transmitted to the
camera by a radio transmitter, usually worn around the groom's waist. To avoid picking up any outside
interference and to get good clear sound, be sure the videographer uses a high band wireless microphone.
Sound Check
You want to make sure that guests can hear not only the music but also the ceremony itself, so ask
questions about the sound system at the ceremony site---only small weddings can get away with not using
amplification. If the sound system isn't adequate, find out what you're permitted to have in the space; you
may need to rent speakers, an audio board, a microphone, or lavaliers (wireless clip-on microphones). If
your budget allows and you're having a large wedding, it's a good idea to put speakers at both the front and
back of the ceremony space.
Bright Idea
If you choose not to (or aren't allowed to) videotape your ceremony, any audio tape is a good idea,
especially if your ceremony involves special readings, musical performances, and personally written vows.
Audiologist www.asha.org
Dear Annie:
Dr. Kochkin is correct in his description of signs of hearing loss and the advances in hearing aids.
Unfortunately, one crucial thing was left out: Hearing aids are rarely covered by health insurance.
My insurance was happy to pay for an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist) and an audiologist to diagnose
my hearing loss but did not pay one cent toward the hearing aids at $1,500 a piece. I was in the process of
saving for them when my daughter became critically ill, and now I have to start over.
Meanwhile, I try to sit up front in church, at the theater, and at movies. I also look directly at people's faces
when I speak to them so I can lip-read. I don't understand this gap. Glasses, prosthetics, corrective surgery
are at least partially covered. Why not cover something critical to communication and safety? Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated:
We agree. As the baby boomers enter their later years, the need for affordable hearing aids will become
overwhelming.
Hearing Loss-Etiquette Tips
Here are some rules that should be observed for conversation with those who suffer from some
degree of hearing loss:
Don't raise your voice or shout--hearing aids are usually adjusted to the normal tone of voice.
Call the person by name to attract his or her attention.
As with the more severely handicapped, be patient--willing to repeat if necessary. And if you must repeat,
don't shout or appear annoyed. This will only embarrass him or her and make understanding harder.
Don't exclude the hard of hearing person from conversation, but make sure that he or she can see you or the
group.
I didn't enlist in the Army--I was drafted. So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my
physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?" "What letters?" I answered
slyly. "Good," said the doctor" You passed the hearing test". Robert Duprey
Dear Miss Manners:
I have lost my hearing but (so far) can cope pretty good and have paper and pen ready if needed.
I sometimes find myself with a group of hearing friends and enjoy being with them and seeing them having
a good visit. They chat, and when someone makes a funny remark and everyone laughs, I never know what
my reaction should be.
Should I just smile or pretend my shoe has become untied? Once I sort of gave a chuckle and someone
gave me the look of "Are you nuts?" It was hurtful, and I try to avoid that person.
The other thing: I have been on a couple of short trips that involve a guided tour. Of course, I don't hear the
guide, but they are doing their job of explaining things and displays. I would rather go by myself and look
at the displays and read the written information on each one. You are whisked so fast to them you never
have a chance to actually see them. If you stand with the guide and "listen". Would it be rude to sneak off?
That's what I would like to do.
I know it's not their fault, but still, it doesn't seem right to not pay attention, andit would not be good to
interrupt and explain my reason for leaving the group.
I don't want to become a complete hermit, though that seems to be the best choice sometimes.
Gentle Reader:
It is a dreadful choice. And so is faking having a good time when you are not. What Miss Manners fails to
understand is why you feel you have no alternatives. You should be asking someone to jot down the joke
you missed, and explaining ahead of time to the tour guide why you prefer to examine things on your own.
The minor inconvenience you may cause is not half as annoying as the unnerving act of pretending to hear
when you do not.
After the Honeymoon
It's easy for couples who are swept up in countless wedding details and duties to become somewhat myopic
about preparing for life after the wedding. Many newlyweds returning from their honeymoon will be living
together for the first time. Make sure to set aside time during your wedding planning to discuss how to
make the transition a smooth one for both of you.
Start with the practical details. It's a good idea to have made any financial and name-change arrangements
before your wedding day, particularly if you will be sharing a bank account. Discuss the division of
household duties: who will be responsible for keeping the household budget, for example or buying
groceries or cleaning the house? Even though you may plan to share household duties, you may quickly
discover that one of you naturally falls into the role of cook or cleaner or that you each have a distinct
preference in household chores. Whatever you do, try to keep the balance of duties equal. There are also
adjustments to be made for differing styles: he wants all the counters clear, for example, and you don't
mind a little clutter. The key words, here, are flexibility and communication
The Post Wedding Blues www.dearsugar.com
Once the wedding and honeymoon are over, you can finally start settling into married life. But what are
those less than blissful feelings? Post wedding blues are more common than you might think. Not everyone
lets on that they're feeling down because they fear it reflects badly on their marriage, but it perfectly natural
to hit a slump after all the excitement leading up to your wedding day.
Brides, in particular, have a hard time accepting that their big day is over and, with it, their moment in the
spotlight and for many their sense of purpose. A whole chapter of your life has ended, so it's also normal to
go through a bit of a mourning period for your single days.
Don't deny or downplay your post nuptial let down; the more you let yourself experience the feelings, the
faster you'll process them. Try yoga, meditation, or other mind body exercises to help you stay centered
and relaxed while you're going through this adjustment---and try not to get too freaked out by it.
Other little sticking points you and your partner should discuss include the following:
Which side of the bed to sleep on.
Closet and drawer space.
Making sure each of you has a sacred private place.
How much and what to watch on television, and clicker control.
Music volume
Privacy boundaries, such as always knocking before entering an occupied bathroom.
Drop-ins, such as in-laws popping in without calling first.
Pros and cons of pets. It would be a big disappointment to count on sharing a pet with your loved one only
to find out after the fact that he or she is simply not interested in having the responsibility.
Finally, make sure you are both committed to open communication. If something is making either of you
increasingly unhappy or irritated, you'll want to feel free to express that unhappiness in an open forum--and
the sooner you deal with a problem, the less time it has to fester into resentment. Do so sensitively,
however, without playing the "blame game". At the same time, you should both promise to openly and
willingly listen to any complaints the other may have. It helps enormously to commit from the start to a
certain flexibility and willingness to compromise---and stick to it. It's a lifelong pledge.
Quirky Advice and Springtime Tips From Stars
"A crispy made bed makes the whole room seem more orderly, which makes it less likely that you'll let
clothes and papers pile up around it. Tidiness begets tidiness." Martha Stewart, Domestic Doyenne
Dear Ann Landers:
How do you know what my wife is worth as a housekeeper? Have you ever been inside our home?
I'd invite you over for a look, but I don't think you could get through the front door. Junk is piled to the
ceiling---unopened barrels and crates she hasn't gotten to yet. (We moved into this place in November).
The Christmas tree is still up. She says she'll take it down when she has a free afternoon.
I can't say much about my wife's cooking because she hasn't cooked a meal in so long I can't remember it.
The last time she did the laundry was in 1956 when she washed my wallet, which was in the pocket of my
work pants. The wallet contained my paycheck and every important card and piece of paper I owned.
You may know a lot, Ann Landers, but you don't know what goes on in our house. So, please don't try to
tell a man what his wife is worth unless you have met her. Up to Here
Dear Annie:
I read the letter from "Exasperated Husband" who was married to a hoarder. My neighbor recently had the
same problem. Her husband had accumulated so much stuff that, after 25 years of marriage, three kids, and
many pleas to clean it up, she was ready to walk out. Living with the mess was ruining her health. He never
took her seriously until she delivered the ultimatum.
With the help of friends and neighbors, her husband managed to clean up his mess. We hauled off tons of
junk. Luckily, he is not an obsessive-compulsive person, just clueless. With his eyes opened, he is a
changed man who picks up after himself, puts things away and has quit accumulating things. Spouses of
hoarders can't always just live with it. California
Dear California:
Since the husband was an ordinary packrat and not a classic obsessive compulsive hoarder, this was a fine
solution. For others, unfortunately, it isn't so simple. Changing can require therapy and sometimes
medication, which the hoarder often refuses. We hope your friend appreciates how fortunate she is.
Dear Annie:
My wife of 30 years is a clutterbug and I'm a neat freak.This has been a source of stress for both of us. To
preserve my sanity, I've carved out areas of our house I can keep clean and uncluttered, such as my desk,
and I do the dishes so the kitchen sink is empty. Otherwise, our common areas are a mess of old
magazines, and boxes with scraps of paper and envelopes I don't dare throw away.
I find empty jars stored in the pantry and our file cabinet is filled with her check stubs from the 1980's .
Her car is a dumping ground for soda straws and napkins. We argue whenever I want to get rid of
anything. Her mother died a year ago, and my wife and her sisters divided up Mom's belongings. Now the
garage floor has a half-dozen boxes of stuff.
I'm embarrassed for people to see our cluttered house.When I tell my wife how I feel, she gets upset and
depressed, but nothing changes. Are these personality traits carved in stone? We once went to marital
counseling and the therapist thought it was funny. Don't say get over it. I've tried. Arizona
Dear Arizona:
Your wife sounds like a compulsive hoarder and she will need therapy and possibly medication to
overcome this behavior. We hope she is willing to work on this for her sake as well as yours, but either
way, you can find support, information and referrals through the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
ocfoundation.org
From the "Duh!" Files
Wives have greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who do housework, according to
research recently presented by psycologist Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.
"What's the craziest thing you've done for love?"
These stars reveal their tales of love over reason.
One night I flew from Los Angeles to Switzerland to surprise my husband, Tony. We had dinner, and then
I flew back home the next day. I actually love the red eye flights---I can sleep!"
Eva Longoria Parker
"I commuted 3,000 miles every week for six months. That's pretty crazy!" Ricki Lake
"My super-organized husband is always giving me to do lists and asking me over and over if I've taken
care of things. I'm a procrastinator, so the answer is always no. One day I did everything on my list!"
Patricia Heaton
"When I was in college, I hid from my parents the fact that I was living with my boyfriend.I made up a
female roommate, Debbie, and when my parents came to visit, I borrowed all the necessary props---
clothes, photos, posters, to fake that I actually had a girl living with me." Jane Kaczmarek
"I endured the ice cold water at Bridalveil Fall at Yosemite National Park. I swear that water snapped my
capillaries and took years off my life, but my husband (Josh Brolin) was waiting in there for me, and I
didn't want to chicken out, so I hopped in." Diane Lane
"I almost went bankrupt over love! My previous husband took all the money I had made and 'misused' it."
Jane Seymour
Answering Machines
A great convenience is an answering machine-it enables the caller to leave a brief message and lets the
owner of the machine know who is trying to reach him. The one with the machine should make every
effort to make this message brief. It is extremely annoying to call someone and have to listen to the theme
song from their favorite show or a long and rambling "cute" message before the beep indicates they may
leave their message. It can be costly to someone calling long distance, and is certainly an aggravation to
everyone.
Simply record words to the effect of: "You have reached the Browns" (or, if you prefer not to give your
name, then state your telephone number "You have reached 818-555-3487). "Please leave your name,
number and message at the sound of the tone, and we will get back to you as soon as we can. Thank you"
There is no need to say " we aren't home right now " or " we can't come to the phone right now " This is
obvious.
The one obligation attached to using an answering machine is that you indeed return calls when messages
are left.
The person calling should be equally brief even on machines that have limitless time for messages to be
left, as the recipient does not want to hear an unlimited message. State your name, the day and time you
called, and your message and leave your telephone number if you need to be called back.
Many people become inhibited when confronted with a machine. No need to be. If you simply say, "Hi,
Mary, this is Joan. It's 10am on Tuesday. Tonight's meeting has been postponed to next Tuesday, 8pm at
the community center. Call me if you can't make it-555-3946.Thanks" "Joe, it's Harry. Nothing urgent-give
me a call when you have a few minutes to talk. Thanks!" It is not necessary to say "Good-bye" or sign off.
"Thanks" is sufficient.
When you are calling someone you don't know, state your message clearly and succinctly. " Mrs. Brown,
this is Jeremy Hawthorne. I'm a friend of Betty Johnston's. Betty recommended that I call in reference to
the recycling committee you are forming. I'd be delighted to join. My telephone number is 555-4978. The
best time to reach me is after 6pm. I look forward to speaking to you."
When I phoned a friend recently, I heard the following message on her answering machine: "Hi! I'm
probably home--I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you."
Answering your Telephone
The best way to answer the telephone at home is still "Hello" "Yes" is abrupt and sounds a bit rude, but
"This is Mrs. Jone's house" leaves the door standing open wide, and "Mrs Jones speaking" leaves you
without a chance to retreat.
This is not nonsense. It is really an important aspect of modern telephone etiquette. In all big cities
telephones are rung so persistently by every type of stranger who wants to sell something to Mrs.
Householder, to ask a favor of Mrs. Prominent, or to get in touch with Mr. Official (having failed to reach
him at his office) that many prominent people are obliged to keep their personal telephone numbers
unlisted.
Answering Service www.onebox.com
Each operator who takes a shift on your service should receive a minimum of $10 at Christmas.
Answering Systems
More and more businesses today are cutting back staff positions and installing computerized systems that
answer calls electronically. The voice you hear has been recorded and will not answer your questions. It
will run through a list of instructions, giving you various numbers to push to reach different departments or
people. Eventually, it will instruct you to push "0" for the operator if you need assistance or it will connect
you with a machine which will record your message. There is little that can be done about the frustration of
these systems except to listen carefully.
One of the most annoying aspects is when, after spending at least two minutes pushing numbers to try to
reach the person you are calling, you receive a busy signal. The best advice I can offer is to make notes
when you initially place the call so that if this happens you can directly bypass the system and push the
numbers for the person you are calling when you place the call again. Taking out your annoyance on the
person you are calling is fairly worthless, since it is likely he or she had nothing to do with installation of
the system in the first place and all you achieve is to begin your call on a hostile note.
Human Contact
To reach a live person, try these tips:
Push zero repeatedly, say "operator" or "agent", or simply stay on the line until the end of the options.
Gethuman.com lists hundreds of companies and the phone shortcuts to quickly reach someone.
Try the back door. Call sales, investor relations, or the main corporate headquarters line.
Select the Spanish-only option. You'll likely get a bilingual opertor faster than an English only agent.
Call from a friend's phone instead of the one registered to your account. In some companies, potential new
customer's leapfrog to the top of the queue.
Call the company's international customer service number collect. It's incentive for keeping you on hold
will drop dramatically.
Acne
Fight Acne with the Right Diet www.acne.org
Since our skin's appearance often reflects upon how well we take care of ourselves, it makes sense to get
plenty of exercise and eat a healthy diet full of supportive nutrients. Below are some dietary tips to keep
your skin glowing:
Avoid junk food, tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, sugar and processed foods.
Drink plenty of quality water daily.
Eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and consume raw olive oil regularly.
Use evening primrose oil, a great source of gamma linolenic acid (GLA) to balance hormones
( for both men and women).
Audioletters
Particularly for grandparents and other friends and relatives who live far away, an audio tape or video
cassette is a wonderful form of correspondence. It shares the voice or the image of loved ones in a personal
way that even a letter cannot reproduce. Naturally, it is important to ascertain first that the recipient has
compatible equipment for listening or viewing.
Cassettes used for business purposes can save time and offer clear descriptions or demonstrations of the
information being communicated. They should not be accompanied by personal asides or background
music, however, which only serve to annoy and detract from the intended message. If you are
recommmending a lighted sign for outside your building and board members cannot travel to a location
where a similar sign is in place, for example, a videotape of the sign from all angles is a convenient
accompaniment to your presentation. You may talk, describing your angle or location, but you should
never tell small jokes or be shooting from a car window with your car radio blaring in the background.
Ancillary Tables
You might find the need for a host of smaller tables other than dining tables to fulfill special
purposes. Take a look at this list and see whether you've overlooked any. Most of these aren't
mandatory; it all depends on what type of wedding you're having.
For the Ceremony
Guest book table
Table to hold programs and yarmulkes
Table at the altar (to hold a unity candle, prayer book, chalices or under the chuppah (to hold the prayer
book, kiddush cup, bottle of wine, glass/lightbulb for breaking)
For Cocktail Hour
Guest book table
Gift table
High Tops
Tables for buffets, stations
For the Bar Area or Late Night Lounge
High Tops
Coffee Tables
Alleviate Puffy Eyes
Late nights, allergies, high salt intake or general stress can cause the unsightly phenomenon of puffy eyes.
Try any or all of these remedies.
Splash your entire face with the coldest water you can stand immediately after you wake up. Use either
cold tap water or a mixture of cold water and ice cubes in a large bowl or tub. Splash your face up to 5
minutes, if possible.
Prepare two tea bags by soaking them in water, wringing them out and chilling them in the refrigerator or
freezer. Once they are chilled, lie down and place the bags on closed eyelids for 5 to 10 minutes.
Cut two slices off a cold cucumber, each approximately ½ inch thick. Place a slice on each eyelid for 5
minutes.
Drink lots of water. Puffy eyes often indicate water retention, which you can alleviate by drinking plenty of
liquids; this flushes excess salt from your system.
Use an aloe-based eye soothing gel or cream.
Tip
Remove contact lenses each night before bed to avoid puffiness caused by lens irritation and drying.
Warnings
Don’t use a hemorrhoid cream near the eye area-it’s unsafe and won’t diminish puffiness.
If the problem persists, see your doctor. You may be reacting to dust, pets, medication or other irritants, or
you may have an underlying medical condition.
Fight Allergies www.allergies.about.com
The best way to fight allergies and their symptoms, including stuffy nose, watery eyes, sinus pressure or
rashes, is to figure out the cause and avoid it as best you can.
Get tested for allergies by your doctor, or use the process of elimination to pinpoint your triggers. The most
common allergens are pollen, mold, dust mites, animals, medications and certain foods.
Identify the allergen(s) as specifically as possible.
Keep your windows closed and stay indoors as much as you can if season pollen is a problem. Consider a
ventilation or filtration system for your home.
Seal your mattress, pillows and comforters in allergen-proof covers. Dust mites, a common allergen, live in
bedding.
Sleep on a latex mattress (as long as you're not allergic to latex). Dust mites can't survive in latex
mattresses.
Install a dehumidifier in your home if you live in a humid climate. Dust mites, mold and mildew all thrive
in humid environments.
Use an exhaust fan in the bathroom or keep the window open.
Buy a vacuum cleaner with a HEPA filter and use it often.
Avoid wall-to-wall carpeting. It is virtually impossible to remove dust mites from carpeting.
Eliminate certain foods from your diet if you suspect they are causing allergy symptoms. Learn alternative
cooking techniques if you are allergic to common foods such as wheat, corn or milk.
Tip
Saline-solution nose spray can help loosen secretions. It is not a drug and can be used as often as needed.
You can make your own by adding 1/4 tsp. salt to 8 oz. warm water.
Warning
Read over the counter antihistomine labels carefully. Many make you drowsy. Avoid alcohol when taking
them.
Allergic Reaction
Bee stings, food allergies, and medications can be deadly, even if you think you don't have allergies.
Symptoms include itching in one spot or all over your body, sometimes accompanied by a rash, swelling,
and, in the extreme, swelling of the airways, which hampers your ability to breathe.
If you know you have a life-threatening allergy, form an action plan with your doctor, who will probably
prescribe an EpiPen, which comes in child and adult doses. It delivers the drug epinephrine, which keeps
the heart pumping, improves breathing, and gives you about 20 minutes to get to the hospital.
Even if you don't have severe allergies, you can still be prepared for a spontaneous reaction. Slip a few
maximum-strength anti-histamines, like Benadryl Allergy capsules, into your wallet. The fast-acting tablets
will begin to fight an allergic reaction while you wait for help to arrive. But since antihistamines can make
you drowsy, don't drive yourself to the ER.
Worst Case Scenario-How to Avoid an Allergic Reaction to Flowers
Be alert to the smell of flowers.
Send an usher or bridesmaid to examine the buds and clip anthers.
Avoid sap.
Reality Check-Allergic Reaction
Because some people are allergic to the adhesive used on false eyelashes, many manufacturers recommend
that you do an allergy test before you apply the lashes. Follow the directions on the package.
Healthy Living
Playing Doctor
You Suspect: Allergies
The Test: MyAllergyTest, $50, immunetech.com
Experts Say: Save your money.
This test, which requires that you prick your finger and send your blood sample in a small vial to the
company's lab, doesn't screen for enough allergens to be worthwhile, explains Russell Leftwich M.D., an
allergist in Nashville, Tenn. The 10 substances the kit tests for some of the most common offenders
( pollen, ragweed, pet dander ), "but they're not the only ones---allergy causes vary depending on where
you live," he notes. During an "official" allergy screening, doctors test for about 70 substances.
Allergies
The Weather Channel Interactive Inc. (TWCI) includes an enhanced allergies and pollen section on
Weather.com. It features local and travel pollen forecasts, an allergy help center, tips and advice on
common triggers and relief techniques as well as a pollen almanac. It has a library of articles and timely
seasonal health news on kids and allergies, allergy treatment, natural allergy relief, and asthma care and
prevention. For more information go to http://www.weather.com/allergies
Addictions www.well.com
Q: Can an employee be fired for drug or alcohol abuse?
A:Yes. It is generally recognized that employees have an obligation to report for work sober and free from
the influence of drugs. However, an employee fired for this reason could challenge the dismissal if he can
prove that the company did not follow established procedures (such as giving him a warning) or that he
was unaware of company rules or that the company does not routinely dismiss all employees who drink or
use illegal drugs on the job.
When the Answer is No
If you have a serious moral objection to the other person, you owe it to him to come out with it. For
example, if the other person is a drug abuser, you should say that you're sorry but you could never marry a
person who uses drugs, even occasionally. If he promises to get off drugs or alcohol, be ready to question
that fine resolution. Say, " I'd have to wait too long to see if your really do get and stay off. You haven't
conquered it during the years we've been seeing each other, and you knew how I felt about it. You and I
aren't going to make it." Your frankness may result in the other person's finally seeking the help needed to
conquer his problem.
Exercise May Affect Addictive Behaviors
Activity could alter how brain works
June 10, 2008 The Blade
Sure, exercise is good for your waistline, your heart, your bones--but might it also help prevent addiction
to drugs or alcohol?
There are some tantalizing clues that physical activity might spur changes in the brain to do just that. Now
the government is beginning a push for hard research to prove it.
This is not about getting average people to achieve the so-called runner's high.
Instead, the question is just how regular physical activity of varying intensity---dancing, bicycling,
swimming, tae kwan do---might affect mood, academic performance, even the reward systems in the brain
that can get hijacked by substance abuse.
What Do You, a Recovering Alcoholic, Do at Toasting Time?
First of all, you can raise a glass to your lips and pretend to join in the toast even if you're not even sipping
the wine.
Second, it's an old wives' tale that one must make a toast in alcohol, never in water. A recovering alcoholic,
or anyone else, for that matter, should not be embarrassed to hoist aloft a glass of water, ginger ale, or fruit
juice while joining in a toast. There will be people on diets joining you, too.
If you don't have a wineglass before you, you can make a symbolic toast by raising an empty hand aloft, as
if holding a glass in salute to the person being toasted.
Dear Annie:
I will celebrate my ninth year of sobriety next month. Miraculously, I do not have the urge to drink, nor am
I uncomfortable around people who do. When placed in the position of having to refuse a glass, I do so by
firmly stating that I do not drink. I don't feel the need to elaborate.
The problem is my friend "Sarah" She feels it is her responsibility to "protect" me from acquaintances who
don't know my history by going behind my back to ask them not to offer me alcohol because I'm an
alcoholic. This feels like an extreme invasion of my privacy. It also undermines my authority over the
problem and establishes a negative first impression that is completely unwarranted. Sarah disagrees, saying
she is simply trying to help me avoid unpleasantness. I say there is a reason why it is called Alcoholics
"Anonymous" Your thoughts? Proudly Sober
Dear Proudly Sober:
Sarah is displaying passive--aggressive behavior. Under the guise of "friendship" she is actually trying to
embarrass you. She enjoys the fact that you don't like it. Tell her to stop immediately.
AIDS Testing www.advancetestingcenter.com
Dear Ann Landers:
I am a successful executive woman. A year ago, I applied for life insurance. I was required to take an HIV
antibody test ( so-called AIDS test ).
To my complete shock, it came back positive.
I am not a prostitute. I am not promiscuous. I am not and have never been an intravenous drug user. I am
not a member of a minority group. I am not indigent nor am I homeless. I have not slept with a bisexual.
I am a suburban, non smoking, no-drug using, successful American woman. I don’t fit any of the
stereotypes that ignorant people have designated for those infected with the HIV virus. I got HIV from a
man I am in love with and have been seeing for five years. He is not homosexual or bisexual. He has never
used intravenous drugs. He had no idea he was carrying the virus. He believes he may have been infected
about six years ago by a woman with whom he had a brief, meaningless relationship.
We are both in excellent physical condition, and we look terrific. In my ignorance, I thought people who
carried the AIDS virus looked emaciated. I now know it can take years for HIV infection to progress to
AIDS. Researchers are learning more about this disease every day. There are many reasons to have hope.
Luckily, after seeing several doctors who knew nothing about AIDS, I found a brilliant, informed
physician. He has given me hope and the will to live. I am also seeing a caring, supportive psychologist
who has helped me tremendously. Until I found these educated professionals, I contemplated suicide daily
for several months.
AIDS has become a party joke. People who would never kid about cancer, cerebral palsy, mental illness or
tuberculosis think AIDS is fair game. They don’t realize I could be their sister, friend, co-worker, niece,
daughter, or cousin. They treat AIDS differently because it is sexually transmitted.
Please, Ann print this letter to sensitize people to the hurt they cause when they make thoughtless
comments. Many of us look like everyone else. Looking for Two Miracles in New England
Q:Can a person with AIDS be prosecuted for knowingly infecting another person with the disease?
A: Yes. Although the law in this area is not well established, there have been cases where criminal charges
have been brought against a person who knew he had AIDS and didn't reveal this fact to his sexual partner.
Dear Gwendolyn:
Five years ago I decided to look for a wife. I came up with the perfect idea. I decided to marry a woman of
the night.
So, I took to the streets in my search. Every other night I met a different woman. Then like magic, I fell in
love at first sight. Sure, she was working the streets, but that's what I wanted. I had heard other men say "a
street woman makes a good wife."
We married six months later and everything was great. I didn't want her to work so I took an extra job to
pay the bills. I even taught her to drive and bought her a new car.
She left me immediately after getting the new car. It has now been four years of separation. She recently
called me asking to come back, but I don't want her back. Where did I go wrong? Jim
Dear Jim:
You got what you wanted--and more. You thought you could find a good woman who walked the streets.
Let me tell you this: Good women are at home--many wishing they could find a good man.
You wanted the best of both worlds--a street-wise woman for excitement and a quiet plain woman as a
loving homebound. You discovered she was going to be one way or the other, but not interchangeable.
If you are not going to take her back, then consider a divorce. She deserves that. Why hold her captive
when she just might meet a man who accepts her for what she is?
Jim, the next time you look for a wife, remember that you cannot transform an alley cat--into a house cat.
Anorexia
Anorexia is an eating disorder. Sufferers eat little or nothing because they think (erroneously) that they're
fat even though they're often severly underweight.
Anorexics literally starve themselves, eating and drinking little, even though they suffer terrible hunger
pains. Although they might be bone-thin and very much underweight, they think they're overweight. They
have a terror of gaining even the smallest amount of weight. Even within a short period of time, anorexia
can damage vital organs such as the heart and brain. In addition, menstrual periods may cease, nails and
hair may become brittle, the skin may dry out and turn yellow, and the body may become covered with soft
hair. Ultimately, it could kill you.
I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 16 and then bulima when I was 18. My boyfriend has been
with me throughout it all and tries every day to support me through my battle, which has become his
battle as well. Catherine Coccagna, Philadelphia
Dear Ann Landers:
I am a nurse who saw a 37 year old woman die today. She left three young children. That woman didn't
have to die. She starved herself to death. They call it anorexia nervosa.
The poor dear weighed 60 pounds. Her body was just a skelton, but she had the most beautiful eyes I have
ever seen. I saw pictures of her when she was 25 and she was truly gorgeous.
I first heard of anorexia in your column. Please continue to tell your readers how dangerous it is to starve,
just to be thin. Keep telling them that this insidious practice can turn into a compulsion---a mental illness--
and the result can be death. Sad in Sandusky
Dear Sad:
I've been harping on this subject for ages, urging everyone who suspects she is a candidate to get
professional help at once. The same for bulimia---binging and vomiting. Both illnesses can be lifethreatening.
2 FDA Officials: 4 Drugs for Asthma Can Be Fatal
Advair, Symbicort, Serevent, Foradil in question
December 7, 2008 The Blade
Asthma www.noattacks.org
Although there's no cure for asthma, there are many things you can do to manage your asthma and keep
symptoms to a minimum. Avoiding triggers and modifying your lifestyle will help.
Follow your doctor's medical advice, and don't discontinue your medications on your own. Undergo
allergy tests as recommended by your doctor and comply with the follow-up treatment.
Keep a notebook and write down what you were doing right before you developed asthma symptoms, no
matter how mild they were, each time they occur. Look for a pattern.
Stay away from any external trigger or allergy that your observations uncover or that tests reveal, whether
that means dust that gets stirred up from cleaning, animal dander you're exposed to when riding a horse, or
even your bedding if you find you can't breathe upon waking.
Avoid cigarette smoke, gasoline and paint fumes, perfume, aftershave, cold air, and pollution, including
smoke from a wood stove or campfire. These are all irritants to someone with asthma.
Do your best to prevent colds. Stay away from anyone with an upper respiratory infection. Many patients
say their symptoms started after a cold.
Control stress. Muscle tension and shallow breathing encourage asthma attacks. Practice relaxation
techniques. Take yoga classes. Participate in activities that help you relax.
Drink a moderate amount of caffeinated coffee, tea or cola, unless otherwise ordered by your doctor.
Caffeine, related to the ophylline, is mildly therapeutic for asthma. However, too much caffeine can
aggravate it.
Take prescibed asthma medication, both oral and inhalant, as recommended by your doctor.
Bronchodilators and other drugs prescribed by your doctor relax smooth bronchial muscle tissue, decrease
inflammation and help keep airways open.
Exercise regularly per your doctor's recommendation. Proper use of prescription medication can decrease
or eliminate asthma that is induced by exercise.
Learn how to breathe from your diaphragm and purse-lip breathe whenever your breathing feels labored,
tight or fast, or when you feel stressed.
To breathe from your diaphragm, lie down or sit in front of a mirror. Put one hand on your stomach, the
other on your chest. Take a deep breath through your nose. Your stomach should rise under your hand each
time you breath; your chest should not rise.
To purse-lip breathe, close your mouth and inhale through your nose. Purse your lips as if you're going to
blow out a candle. Exhale slowly with as little force as possible. Your exhale should last twice as long as
your inhale. Don't hold your breath between inhalation and exhalation.
Roizen's Rules
Eat to Beat Asthma
The healing power of food extends to your lungs. What you eat--and avoid--may help keep you from
developing asthma.
Best Choices
Have fruit every day, especially apples, oranges, grapes and tomatoes. Eat more healthy fats (like olive oil)
and DHA omega-3s (fish and walnuts), which seem to prevent damage to lung tissue and reduce
inflammation.
Worst Choices
Saturated fats, trans fats and cured meats with nitrates, like many cold cuts and ball park staples. These
foods worsen inflammation caused by air pollution and inhibit dilation of the airways, among other things.
Michael F. Roizen, M.D.
Athlete's Feet www.drroths.com
Several over the counter remedies can help cure athlete's foot, which is fungal infection. Once you have
successfully treated it, be diligent in preventing its return.
·
Apply a topical anti-fungal ointment two or three times a day. Reapply after showering and before going to
bed. Continue for three to four weeks to avoid recurrence.
Dry carefully between each toe whenever your feet get wet. Consider using a hair dryer set on low to
thoroughly dry your feet.
Place cotton balls between your toes at night if your feet perspire excessively when you sleep.
Avoid harsh soaps, especially deordant soaps.
Sprinkle an anti-fungal powder into your socks and shoes whenever you plan to wear your shoes for
several hours.
Pour a small amount of astringent onto a piece of gauze and wipe the crusty areas on your feet and between
your toes. Then let the gauze sit on the crusty spots for a few minutes. The astringent will draw more
moisture from your foot.
Wear open sandals or go barefoot as much as possible during the acute phase of athlete's foot.
Ask your doctor to help with athlete's foot that spreads or will not go away. Your doctor can prescribe
topical or oral anti-fungal medication.
Tip
You should begin to see improvement within 7 to 10 days of using over the counter anti-fungal creams.
If not, see your doctor.
Attorney
Professional Association: American Bar Association www.abanet.org
Situations Requiring Legal Advice
No matter how lucky or careful you may be, chances are that eventually you will find yourself with a legal
problem. Deciding whether the situation requires a lawyer, however, may not be easy. Many problems fall
somewhere between a minor dispute that can be settled in small claims court and a criminal charge that
calls for a skillful trial lawyer. If you are in doubt, consult a lawyer, especially if the problem is complex or
the consequences far-reaching. Generally, you will need a lawyer if:
You are about to sign a contract you do not understand or agree with.
You are served with a summons or other legal document.
You and your fiancée are considering a prenuptial agreement.
You want to adopt a child.
Your child gets into trouble with the law.
You or your spouse is seeking a separation, divorce or annulment.
Your ex-spouse wants to modify or terminate child support or maintenance payments, or alter your custody
arrangements.
You buy or sell your home or any other real estate.
You are starting your own business or buying a franchise.
You are threatened with eviction or foreclosure.
Your personal property is in danger of being repossessed by creditors.
You have been notified that a creditor plans to garnishee your wages.
You suffer property damage because of someone’s negligence.
You are injured in an accident.
You are asked to make an out of court settlement.
You want to draw up a power of attorney.
You are writing, changing, or contesting a will.
You want to create a guardianship or conservatorship for a loved one.
You are charged with any crime, even a misdemeanor.
How to Save on Legal Costs
Once you've decided to hire a particular lawyer, have him put the details of your agreement in writing,
including his fee, his estimate of any additional costs and expenses, and a statement that he will not exceed
a specific dollar amount without first getting your permission. Be sure to ask your lawyer what you can do
to help save him time, and therefore save you money. Here are some suggestions:
Organize and write down the facts of your situation and any questions you have before talking to your
lawyer.
Bring all relevant papers and information (such as names and addresses of people involved in the matter) to
your lawyer's office. Have it organized so you can find what you need quickly.
Do not deluge the lawyer with information; this will take up more time and cost you more money.
Be as truthful and accurate as possible, even if the facts are unpleasant. Omissions that come to light later
may result in extra costs.
Listen attentively to what your lawyer tells you. Be sure you understand what he wants you to do.
Be punctual for your appointments and court appearances.
Telephone your lawyer only if you have something definite to ask or tell him about.
Offer to obtain necessary documents, such as police and medical reports, to save him the work on doing so
himself.
Offer to help locate witnesses.
If the case involves property damage, get a professional estimate of the dollar amount of the damage.
Don't change your mind about what you want your lawyer to do, or ask him to do anything extra unless
you are prepared to pay for it.
Etiquette Excerpt
Sad but true, it’s well known that money is the major cause of the breakup of a second marriage (the other
is children). Therefore, anything having to do with monetary matters should be openly discussed with the
man you plan to marry, preferably before you make a commitment to each other.
Attorney
Etiquette Tips
Discuss what you’d each like the agreement to cover before you head to your respective lawyer’s offices.
Do not involve family members or friends, unless, of course, the agreement directly pertains to them.
Focus on the big issues-such as inheritances and real estate-and do not sweat the small stuff like the
portable stereo unit.
Be positive-prenuptial agreements are not precursors to divorce-plenty of couples who have one go on to
enjoy long, happy marriages.
Put the agreement in perspective: having one may be smart, not selfish.
Adopting a Child Through an Agency www.americanadoption.com
If you want to adopt a child through an agency, don't be deterred by the long conferences with
caseworkers,the blizzard of paperwork, and a seemingly endless wait between application and final
adoption. The process helps to protect the adopted child's well-being.
The first step in adopting a child is find the right agency. Every state has both public and private adoption
agencies. Contact your local department of social services for information about public agencies. You can
find private agencies by looking in the telephone directory, asking families who have adopted, or checking
with church and adoptive-parent groups. Write or call the agencies you find, and ask about the availability
of children, age and medical requirements for prospective parents, restrictions about religion or family size,
residence requirements, fees, income requirements, and post-placement services or support groups.
Once you have selected an agency, you will be asked to fill out an application. You may also have to
produce numerous documents, including your marriage certificate, birth certificate, financial records,
photographs, verification of your employment, and divorce decrees, if any. When your application is
approved, a home study period of several weeks or months will begin. During this time caseworkers will
visit your home to get a clear picture of your lifestyle. The questions will be penetrating, and your answers
should be frank. Caseworkers also investigate the background and special needs of the child to be adopted
to help make a successful match. If you decide to adopt the child the agency offers, you will generally sign
a placement agreement stating your willingness to accept financial responsibility for the child and your
intent to adopt. The agency continues to be the child's legal guardian until the adoption is final.
To begin formal adoption you must file a petition with the court. A hearing will then be held in the judge's
chambers or in a closed court. In some states the court may issue a temporary decree of adoption at this
point. In any case, a probationary period of 6 to 18 months (depending on state law) will follow. During
that time your caseworker will continue to visit your home to see how you and the child are adjusting to
each other and to help smooth the transition. After the probation, a second court hearing will be held and a
final decree issued. In some states there is only one hearing, and it is preceded by the probationary period.
When the judges issues a final decree of adoption, an ameneded birth certificate is generally prepared,
showing you as the child's parent. Adoption records are then placed in the court's files, and in many states,
they are sealed and can be opened only by a court order.
Mother Regains Her Stolen Daughter
August 1, 2008 The Blade
Authorities have long believed that some of the nearly 5,000 Guatemalan babies adopted by U.S. couples
each year were stolen and sold to baby brokers, who worked with doctors and lawyers to create false
identities for the children.
Authorities have said adoptive U.S. families--many of whom spend $30,000 or more for what they were
told are legitimately surrendered babies ---are also victims of the corrupt, old system, which is now being
replaced.
At least two other stolen children have been found in nurseries that handled international adoptions---one
with a fake identity---although neither had officially been put up for adoption yet, Mr. Tecu said.
Adoptive Parents Have Love to Give
June 23, 2008 The Blade
I was astonished to read the story headlined "Mother guilty in discipline of her son, 3" in The Blade.
The story told how this woman, who has five children and is pregnant with the sixth, punished her 3 year
old son. She did a pretzel hold and held his legs over his head, which led to some paralysis. She also struck
the boy with a belt so hard it left a mark on his body.
As an adoptive mother to a 3 year old boy, this just made me sick. There are so many people in the world
who cannot have children who want them and would care for and love them so much. Adoptive parents
have to have background checks, credit checks, health checks, take parenting classes, complete a
homestudy during which it is ascertained whether your house and environment are safe for a child, and
usually there is a long wait before getting a child.
I think this should hold for all parents. Anyone who is pregnant should have to do all the things adoptive
parents do to get a child. What a better and safer world this would be for all children.
Allyson Liederbach Perrysburg
Gay Couples can be Adoptive Parents
So many spiteful letters have been written to The Blade against gay marriage and adoption. I don't
understand where all this hate is coming from.
Based on federal estimates,there are approximately 520,000 children in foster care in the United States. Of
these, 117,000 are eligible for adoption. The federal government pays $4,485 billion per year supporting
these children.
Gay families are the solution to the adoption problem, and time-tested statistics have shown that children
raised in gay/lesbian households have no higher chance of becoming gay or lesbian in adulthood.
Gay marriage is also an important issue for financial reasons. If a committed gay couple is together and one
dies, the other is not responsible for funeral costs, hospital bills, etc. That becomes a burden of the state.
The federal government also makes more money from married couples than from single filers.
The longer people use "family values" as an excuse against gay adoption and gay marriage, the more they
hold America back. I'm positive children coming from the foster care system could stand to learn more
"family values" from a committed gay couple than from the system. Ask them, they would agree.
Nicole Gschwind
Dear Annie:
I read the letter from "Happy Father to Be in Sunny Florida." Being the wife of a Jr., I beg the parents not
to name the child after the father. It causes too many headaches. Our credit, insurance, and many other
things have been tangled up due to the fact that my husband has the identical legal name as his father.
Worse, he goes by a nickname the family saddled him with as a child, which adds another layer of
headaches. It's much better to give a child his own unique name. Wife of Junior
Dear Wife:
Many readers pointed out that having the same legal name as a living relative can cause all kinds of
problems for an adult child, and these things should be taken into consideration when naming a baby.
Family Affair
Our family can relate to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that the Solomon family experienced after
adopting Daniel from Romania ("Learning to Love"). My husband and I adopted four Romanian boys with
reactive attachment disorder and know the excitement, chaos, hope, destruction, steps forward, and steps
backward of having kids who spent much of their childhood in orphanages.
Like Daniel, two of our boys thought that we were their real parents and that we had abandoned them. I
pray that the Solomons' story helps other adoptive families cope with the turmoil in their homes. Janet
Miller
Adopted Son Who Tried to Kill Parents Could Get Their Estatte
November 25, 2008 The Blade
When they wrote their wills 24 years ago, Walter and Mildred Sowell set aside just $50 for their only
child, Martin.
Family members thought even that pittance was generous, considering Martin had tried to kill his adoptive
parents two years earlier, in 1982.
But now, because of a defect in the couple's will, Martin Von Sowell stands to collect more tha $500,000
from the estate of his late parents.
And other members of the Sowell clan are furious.
"It seems horribly unfair that the criminals of this world get more than his family members," said Bruce
Sowell, a cousin of Martin's.
But this story is about more than just a family tug of war over riches.
Martin was a year old when his natural mother, an unwed teen, gave him for adoption to his childless aunt
and uncle.
Walter Sowell worked most of his life as an electrician. His wife, Mildred worked for the Postal Service.
They lived on nine acres in Olmsted Township, where they had an orchard and garden. Martin was one of
only a handful of black students at Olmsted Falls High School.
But Martin said he was not a happy child.
He accused his father of being overly strict and domineering, banning him from playing sports or from
going to parties, movies, or teen hangouts.
Martin said he felt like a prisoner in his own home. To escape, he tried to persuade his mother to move
with him to her family's home in North Carolina. But instead of keeping the secret, she told her husband,
who was furious and threatened to beat him, Martin said.
The 17 year old boy struck first.
Court records say he laced his parents' tea with cyanide, then opened fire with a 38 caliber pistol after his
father spit out the foul-tasting brew. His mother took three bullets in her back. He chased his father into a
bathroom and fired three more shots, but missed.
Martin spent a year in a juvenile detention home, then enlisted in the Navy.
Now 43, he is married, has three sons and four grandchildren, and runs a commercial cleaning business.
He doesn't blame his cousins or uncle for ostracizing him or trying to obtain a share of his parents estate,
and he vows to compensate them for all of the time and money spend caring for his elderly parents.
"There's been times when I've cried, when I've hashed out everything in my head over and over again,
Martin said last week. "But I've done my penance."
He said he tried for years to reconcile with his parents. His mother died in 2007. After Walter Sowell's
death in July, his brother, William, opposed Martin's claim to the estate. He said his primary purposed was
to carry out the original intentions of his brother and sister in law.
But William and his children have no legal claim to the Sowells' estate, Charles Brown a magistrate in
Cuyahoga County Probate Court, ruled last month.
Both the Sowells named each other as their sole heir, with no mention of secondary heirs after they both
died.
"It's a mess, a classic example of what happens when you don't update your will," said John Polito,
chief magistrate and administrator in Probate Court.
"The way it was written, it was as if they had no wills."
Grounds for Annulment www.firstwivesworld.com
An annulment is a judgement by the court that a marriage was not legal to begin with. Grounds for
annulment vary from state to state; the most common grounds are:
Duress--A threat of serious consequences, such as revealing a drug addiction, unless the couple marries.
Fraud--An intentional deception affecting the foundation of the marriage in order to lure a person into
marrying. Some examples:
Concealing homosexuality
Concealing impotence, venereal disease, serious health problems
Concealing a previous marriage, divorce or children
False claims of pregnancy
Hiding or lying about a pregnancy by another man
False claims of wanting to having children
Mental incapacity--Inability to understand the marriage contract at the time of the wedding ceremony.
Underage--Failure to either spouse to have reached the age of consent required by the state, usually from
15 to 21 years of age.
Last Minute Wedding Disasters
At the end of the wedding ceremony, the bride was left at the church by the excited groom as he took off
for the reception with other members of his family filling the limo. The bride's absence was noticed about
half an hour later. Someone went back to the church to fetch her and found her sitting alone in a pew,
wondering if she had made a terrible mistake in her choice of husband. Later, relaxed and forgiving, she
made a wedding toast to her groom, claiming that although she had perfect grounds for annulment of the
marriage, she would give him one more chance.
What Is an Annuity? www.johnhancock.com
An annuity is a contract, purchased with either one lump sum or periodic payments,that assures an
individual a certain amount of money, usually paid out at fixed periods for a specified length of time or for
life. Annuities that are set up to make payments at some future date, such as when you retire, are called
deferred annuities. They are typically offered by life insurance companies, because their premium rates and
benefit amounts, like those for life insurance policies, are based on actual data.
Many people choose to purchase an annuity contract with the benefits that have accumulated in their
pension or retirement plans, thereby guaranteeing them a regular, predictable income. Annuities that
provide income for the life of the worker and the worker's spouse are called joint and survivor contracts.
A deferred annuity is a type of savings program in which your original investment grows by accumulating
interest and, if you choose, by your additional contributions. At the end of this accumulation period, the
money is paid out according to the terms of the contract you signed. The major advantage of a deferred
annuity is that while the money is accumulating, there is no tax on the earnings. Some deferred annuities
earn interest at a set rate--these are called fixed deferred annuities. Others, called variable deferred
annuities, allow the owner to change the investments in his annuity account---thus the earnings and total
value of the account depend on the success of this investment decisions. The term self-directed is also
used to describe an annuity for which the owner may choose the investments.
Advance Planning
Husband Could Halt Life Support for Ill Wife
Action might occur as early as today
Unless a court grants her parents another delay, Michael Schiavo plans to remove the feeding tube keeping
his wife alive early this afternoon, allowing the severely brain damaged woman to die.
Police Kill Man after He Shoots Wife in Hospital
The Toledo Blade April 22, 2005
Police believe that Mr. Brown shot his wife in a mercy killing because of her health problems, and that he
wanted police to kill him.
Mrs. Brown had Alzheimer’s disease and was to be placed in a nursing home.
Man Kills Wife, 84, to End 'her misery'
November 14, 2008 The Blade
During the 911 call, Shaw told police he had suffocated his wife identified in public recods as Virginia
Shaw 84 because he wanted to put her out of her misery.
The man went on to explain, in a calm but weary voice, that the woman had been in and out of the hospital
dealing with illness.
Woman Fed by Tube at Center of Legal Fight
Husband seeks to end treatment
August 28, 2008 The Blade
A judge yesterday granted temporary guardianship to the husband of a woman on a feeding tube in a case
similar to the lengthy legal dispute over whether Terri Schiavo should be kept alive.
He says she is in a vegetative state and would not want to live this way.
Q:Charlie was disabled because of an accident. His wife, Mabel has never worked. Must Mabel go out and
get a job now that Charlie can’t earn a living?
A:Yes. States do not want families to become dependent on public support when one spouse has the ability
to work. Since Charlie is unable to support himself or his family, Mabel must take over that responsibility.
If Charlie is disabled to the point that he requires Mabel’s constant attention, or if there are other family
circumstances that prohibit her from working outside the home, the state would be more willing to consider
providing some form of assistance to them.
Kin Settles Battle Over Woman in Coma
Husband gets guardianship, with condition
November 27, 2008 The Blade
Robert Lavers has been named guardian for his wife, Heather,38, who has been in a vegetative state. He
wants her to stay on life support.
Ask Laskas
Q: I'm the youngest of three and have always taken care of my parents. Mom is now a widow. I live nearby
and am saddled with daily calls, bills, doctors' appointments, everything. Did I mention I have a husband
and three kids, go to school and work part-time? My brother retired to Florida. My sister doesn't work but
says if my brother won't help, she won't either. How can I get my siblings to pitch in?
A: Dear Tired:Sounds like you're stuck being the good child,the one who knows how to love responsibily
and give back. You might have to put direct help from your sibs out of your mind, but don't be afraid to
ask for their help with the bills or paperwork. In the meantime, enlist the help of friends, church groups and
social services to relieve your day to day burden.
Dear Annie:
A friend of mine, age 40, has experienced a horrible double tragedy. Her boyfriend age 45, with whom she
lived for almost five years, was killed by a drunk driver in a head-on accident.
Since they were not married, the oceanfront home they shared in California, which was in his name only,
will be inherited by his mother and brothers.
My friend will receive nothing. She not only lost her love, but will soon lose her beautiful home. They
never planned for such a terrible situation.
Please alert your readers that if they are living with their significant other and choose not to marry, they
need to make plans in case of an unforeseen death. This situation has devastated my friend.
Be Prepared for the Unexpected.
Dear Be Prepared:
The legal institution of marriage, like it or not, can protect partners from just such financial tragedies. This
is one of the reasons why gay couples lobby so hard for civil unions.
In some states, couples living together for a specified number of years are recognized as common law
partners and given legal protections (and responsibilities).
At the very least, property should be put in both names so that the surviving partner inherits. Thank
you for taking the time to remind our readers that life does not come with guarantees.
Dear Annie:
I am a 45 year old woman with five wonderful children, and I have cancer. My husband has a great job,
and we always had lived a very comfortable lifestyle. Now, we struggle paycheck to paycheck. We have
not received financial help from my family.
It is disheartening, but I ask “Determined” to let go of the bitterness you feel toward your wife’s family.
Don’t give them that kind of power over your lives. It takes a lot of energy to carry that type of burden, and
you and your family need that energy to fight this disease. I encourage you to live one day at a time, and
enjoy each and every moment you’re given. May God bless you. Jeanie
Dear Annie:
We can relate to “Determined” in the Midwest,” who wrote about the financial struggle his family has
faced since his wife’s battle with cancer.
Last year, our child was in the hospital for two months. It was a major emotional and financial burden. We
are still struggling to make ends meet with each paycheck. One side of the family chose to give us
assistance, and, most importantly, was there emotionally as well. The other side took a totally different
approach.
When friends held a fundraiser to help us with medical and personal needs, the family members on that
side called us “spoiled brats”.
Through it all, we found the people who truly love and care for us and ask nothing in return. “Determined”
should hold on to those who are supportive. May he find strength to get through the days ahead.
Also Determined
Advanced Planning
Twelve Steps to Wealth
Being responsible to others
A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from worry about the what if's of life.
Please take the following simple actions for your own peace of mind and for the security of your loved
ones.
1.Create a will. Without one, a state court will decide who gets which part of your individual assets, and
your loved ones may not get what you want them to have. For a few hundred dollars or less, an attorney
will draw up your will; or you can buy a form will at a stationery store or order a will writing kit.
2.Create a revocable living trust. In addition to a will, many of you need this statement of who will
control your assets while you’re alive (typically, you) and who will receive them once you die. It will help
your heirs avoid the expensive probate court procedure necessary with a will alone. An attorney can draw
up a living trust and fund it with your assets for about $1,000 to $3,000 or you can get a computer program
and do it yourself.
3.Draw up an advance directive and durable power of attorney for healthcare. These documents
sound complicated, but they’re not. The advance directive states what medical intervention you want-and
don’t want-in case you’re incapacitated, and a durable power of attorney for healthcare appoints someone
to make medical decisions for you in case you can’t. You can find ready-made forms in stationery stores,
or, again, get a computer program.
4.Create a durable power of attorney for finances. This appoints someone to act on your behalf in
financial matters-writing checks, paying bills-should you become unable to act for yourself.
Consult an attorney about this document; since the language needs to be carefully crafted to avoid any
possibility of abuse should it become active.
If you have at least these documents in place, you’ll have taken some very important steps to make
your loved ones safe.
Laugh!
Lying on his deathbed,the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my
money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker
closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny into my
account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Q:Ken and Rita are young newlyweds, who rent a furnished apartment and own almost nothing other than
their clothes. a car, and a few household items. Do they need wills?
A: Yes. Suppose, for example, Ken and Rita were killed in an automobile accident. Their heirs might be
able to sue the driver for a large amount of money. If Ken and Rita didn't have wills, the laws of their state
would determine who would get the money. A relative they dislike could get rich because of the tragedy. If
they had wills, however, the money would go to the person or persons of their choice.
Q: I saw a book that has a form in it for drafting your own will. Would this kind of do it yourself will be
acceptable in court?
A: Do it yourself will can work if the form complies with the latest laws in your state. However, if you fail
to follow the exact legal procedures or if the language you use to fill in the blank spaces is not precise
enough, the will could be declared invalid after your death, and your property would be divided according
to state law instead of the way you wished.
Q: Can someone gain access to my safe-deposit box if I give them a written note?
A: Probably not. The possibilities of fraud, forgery, or duress in getting you to sign such a note present too
great a risk for your bank. However, a notarized statement authorizing access to your safe-deposit box
might be sufficient for some banks. Check with your bank.
Discuss Mortality with Relatives Now
December 4, 2008 The Blade
My heartfelt condolences to the entire Lavers family which is struggling with emotionall charged issues.
Their beloved daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend has experienced a grave injury, for which I am
sorry.
In the midst of this personal family tragedy, I want to thank The Blade for the thoughtful chronicle of
Heather Lavers' situation, particularly the information highlighting living wills.
Most of us do not want to think about the "what if" of tragedy striking our own families. However, not
doing so leaves many people in situations where family members have different perspectives about what
their loved one would want.
My life as a pediatrician, mother, daughter, and spouse has led me to initiate discussions about what
constitutes a meaningful life.
During the course of my career, I have had the honor of listening to parents of infants, school-aged
children, and young adults, as well as the young ones themselves, talk about what matters most and how
much is too much. My own family circumstances have called for these same conversations.
Terry Schiavo and now Heather Lavers remind us what we do need to face the inevitable: our own and our
loved ones' mortality. Unexpected life threatening illness and death are part of our human experience.
Having these conversations now allows us to express to ourselves and others what matters to us most in
health and in sickness that can transistion to death.
I invite everyone to have these conversations with family and your physicians, who advise us about our
health. As I reflect on what matters most to me and listen to my husband, sons, and mothers do the same,
we relax knowing that we have been heard and respected and our desires will be remembered and
followed.
Pam Oatis,MD Ethics and Palliative Care St. Vincent Mercy Children's Hospital
Assisted Living www.assistedlivinginfo.com
Dear Annie:
You've printed several letters about the stress of living with an elder parent. After five years, my husband
and I had to ask my mother in law to leave our home.
My mother in law is a wonderful person and we always got along well, so it surprised me that the
arrangement didn't work out. One of the greatest stressors was the lack of privacy. And no matter how
kind, elder parents often treat the adult son or daughter as a child, offering unwelcome criticisms. The elder
parent sees these as helpful, loving gestures, but it builds resentment. And without meaning to, an elder
parent can become very demanding---wanting to be driven to the mall to shop, etc. For a busy mom and
dad who work, drive carpools, and run errands all day, it is simply another task on our long list.
My husband's siblings, who were not involved in Mom's care, didn't understand the stress. They also
assumed we were after Mom's money, since she provided financial assistance with the living situation.
It has been almost three years since my mother in law left. She is living on her own and doing well. My
husband and I had to be treated for depression and are now estranged from the extended family. My advice
to anyone thinking about having an elder parent move in is to consider other options first. Meant Well
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The Best Man Joke Book
Best Man Bob's Best Man Speech Guide
Classic Best Man Speeches Wedding Toasts Jokes & More
Maid of Honor Duties and Speeches
Classical Sheet Music Albums 4 Weddings
Wedding Music
Best Bridal Shower Games and More
Wedding Video Secrets
Budding Professional Wedding Photographers
How to Photograph a Wedding
Wedding Photography Tutorial Ebook
Beginner Tips for Photographing a Wedding
Wedding Cupcakes Video
Dream Cakes Made Easy
First Dance Fabulous
Honeymoon & Destination Wedding Ebook
Wedding Weight Loss Diet
Fitness for Wedding
The Ultimate Wedding Vow Toolkit
Marriage Vows and Wedding Vows
Digital Products
http://cbtopsites.com/r/vscene1
Abusive Relationships
Acne
Adoption
Adultery
Allergies
Anger
Annuity
Anorexia
Anti Insomnia
Aromatherapy
Asthma-Allergy Cure
Athletes Feet
Attorney
Automobile
Abusive Relationship
Women who Love Psychopaths
Meditation Guide for Incest Survivors
Acne
Acne Treatments 101
Acne Free in 3 days
Acne No More
Mr X Acne Says
Acne Free in 1 Night
Eat Away Your Acne
The Ultimate Acne Solution
Clear for Life
Adoption
The Essential Beginners Guide to Adopting a Child
Adultery
How to Win When your Spouse Cheats
Affair Detector
The Anatomy of an Affair
How to Catch a Cheating Spouse
How to Catch your Cheating Spouse
Cheat Sweeper
Beating Cheating
Why Men Cheat
Adultery Cheating Spouse Help
Allergies
Allergy Free for Life
How to Cure Sinus Troubles
What Mite you be Sleeping With
Allergy Treatment Secrets
Information about Allergies
Anger
Heal the Pain from any Relationship
The Magic of Making Up
Should you Stay or Should you Go?
Why Men Leave
Better Life Training
Anger Management for the Twenty First Century
Stop the Insanity
Annuity
Annuities: The Shocking Secrets
Anorexia
Anorexia-Bulimia a step by step program
Anti Insomnia
Underground Sleep Secrets
Aromatherapy
Learn the Power of Aromatherapy
Natural Health Remedy
Earth Changes
The Green Book of Health
Asthma & Allergy Cure
Cure your Asthma in Just One Week
Athlete's Feet
Cure in 7 Days
Attorney
Child Custody Modify your Custody-Visitation
Modifying a Court Ordered Custody Plan
Child Custody Considerations in Making Custody Decision
Legal Forms & Contracts
Prenuptial
The Defendant's Handbook
Automobile
Convert Any Car to Electric
CDL Test Answers
Affordable Automobiles Hot Nich Market!
Sheriff Auctions
AmericanSeizedCars.com
Inspect Before you Buy
Get Half Price-Save Thousands at the Pump
Before you Buy a Car
Bill of Sale
References-Wedding Vendor Guide (A)
Wake Up and Smell the Coffee Ann Landers
Legal Questions & Answers Book (Reader's Digest)
Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette Peggy Post
The Blade
Reader's Digest
Cosmopolitan
Bridal Guide Magazines
Good Housekeeping
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editor
Bridal Bargains Denise & Alan Fields
Complete Guide to the Perfect Wedding Teddy Lenderman
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Hispodo
Planning a Wedding to Remember Beverly Clark
Having it All Helen Gurley Brown
Miss Manners and Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
O Magazine
Redbook
Tell Me All About It Jeffrey Zaslow